When Deck13 Interactive set out to make a game to rival Dark Souls, the naysayers said
it couldn't be done.
But Deck13 damn well knuckled down and made Lords of the Fallen, thus proving the naysayers
right.
Because Lords of the Fallen was, while superficially Dark Souls-esque, short, boring and reminiscent
of a D&D campaign run by a bloke who collects knives.
But nonetheless emboldened having gotten the straight ripoff out of the way with a dark
fantasy game Deck13 now moves to bring superhard exploration RPGs to the world of science fiction
with their new game, The Surge.
Thus breathing new life into the word 'surge' which was previously of use only to electricians
and erotic fiction writers.
Seriously, try it: describe any human body part as 'surging' and voila, you're writing
erotic fiction.
"Tenderly he caressed her surging kneecaps".
Sadly there's very little erotic about The Surge, which continues many of the trends
started by Lords of the Fallen, in that the combat's a bit clunky and most of the characters
look like they covered themselves in glue and rolled around in a dumpster full of old
dishwasher parts.
I don't know if The Surge is as short as Lords of the Fallen, I've heard it is, but I couldn't
say because I stopped playing at the third boss.
In fact, let's not mince words, I think I might hate The Surge.
I feel like I've been easier going lately, it's probably because I have a small dog now,
but I forgot how much I enjoy really hating things.
It's like putting on a favourite old sweater and smacking yourself in the balls with your
childhood teddy.
And The Surge got off to such a promising start, too.
We open on a futuristic train with our slightly generic main character, Warren, so called
because he likes sticking rabbits up his bum, making his way to his first day at work with
some kind of tech company, and when we're given control, we move him away from his seat
and see for the first time that he's wheelchair bound.
That's actually pretty neat, storytelling wise.
Just a smidgeon ripped off from James Cameron's Avatar but hey, without cutscenes or dialogue
we've established our protagonist as vulnerable and hoping for the better life that this tech
company's industrial robot suits can offer.
So he probably felt a bit gypped when it turned out all they were going to do was nail bits
of scrap metal to his legs.
You see, what follows the prologue is a cinematic in which Warren gets all his fancy new cyber
bits drilled into his flesh, except they forget the anaesthetic and he's awake and screaming
the whole way through as the camera zooms gratuitously in on the blood squirting out
of his new shoulder-mounted shelf brackets.
It's quite harrowing, and I'm not even sure what the point of it is.
"I'm sorry, The Surge, perhaps there's been a misunderstanding.
I came here for some exciting sci-fi action but you seem to be showing me cripple torture
porn."
"Alright, fine, begrudge us a little fun.
Bam!
Now you're in a junkyard fighting robots.
Go!"
It's that abrupt.
Maybe if Warren had interacted with another human being during the wheelchair prologue
segment we could have gotten a handle on some context, as it stands for all we know the
torture porn cinematic and everything following could just be some kind of how-not-to-do-it
occupational health and safety video they're making Warren watch.
But this is another callback to Lords of the Fallen, isn't it, which also began with a
prerendered intro cinematic that was largely cock-all to do with the rest of the game,
so I guess this is Deck13's design philosophy.
"Hey, do you mind watching this video we threw together for a laugh while we finish nailing
breadbins and bits of old pipe to the main character's armour?
I was impressed by how the story successfully created the atmosphere of a new work environment,
though, because something's gone horribly wrong and no one seems to know why or who
to blame.
But it scarcely needs an explanation - the machines have all gone hostile.
Standard science fiction plot 14 alpha.
The explanation is, they needed to do that for there to be a video game.
So we begin the usual Dark Souls pattern - gradually advance, explore, unlock shortcuts and get
repeatedly smashed like an avocado in a sprinter's jockstrap.
More so than in other Dark Souls-likes, I'd say.
If it is a relatively short game then they may have compensated by cranking the difficulty
up even higher than usual so we have to creep forward square foot by agonising square foot
in case another concealed enemy jumps out from a blind corner and chomps your health
bar up in two hits.
But hey, if it's obnoxious difficulty that makes me like Dark Souls then surely even
more obnoxious difficulty can only make things better?
Don't you try to catch me out with your Earth logic, human.
In the world of difficult games there exists a hypothetical line which I like to call the
Tropic of Fuckabout.
It is defined as the point where high difficulty stops being a stimulating challenge and becomes
merely fucking me about.
The fact that we and most of the half-human enemies we face are basically scrapyards on
legs, and that the robotic enemies lean towards being flat geometric shapes on legs, mean
it's really hard to read their movements, especially in dark areas because for some
breathtakingly arbitrary reason you can only turn your flashlight on when you're wearing
a piece of body armour and even then it's a miserable spot about sufficient to illuminate
two thirds of the entity trying to shove a pneumatic drill up your nose.
The best approach I found was to wade in and start mashing attack, not with a fast, light
weapon because I'd always come out of it with some health lost and a foot missing because
apparently one of the enemy's indistinct movements might have been a stab, I'd use a heavy weapon
I could be sure would stunlock them, and which only have a windup time of about nine hundred
million years, and locks you into long combo animations that might end with you comboing
right off a fucking ledge into a pile of sharpened supermarket trolleys.
None of which are impossible to compensate for, of course.
This is all shit that can still be countered with the usual go-to advice for twats "Git
gud", even the fucking horrible dodge mechanic where you have to flick the right analog stick.
I've said this before, third person games, leave the right analog stick alone to its
happy little world of controlling the camera, you force it out of its comfort zone and it's
just gonna piss on the bus seat and ruin the whole field trip.
None of this was enough to bring out that hate I mentioned earlier.
Frustration, yes, but frustration doesn't stop me from playing, it just means I'll need
two diazepam and a wank once I'm done.
The hate only came when I was taking on the third boss.
It's a big industrial machine with about nine things on it trying to kill you, fair enough,
but for some turbococking reason every time you attack one the game auto-targets it, leaving
you staring blissfully into its eyes as its eight friends are winding up attacks where
you can't see.
Get past that and I can start attacking the core, but if you target it, fucking switches
to a fixed camera so I can barely see what I'm doing.
What's got into you camera?
Is this about the pissing on the bus seat comment?
Finally after much frustration and about nine hundred attempts I've gotten the core on the
ropes and am moments from landing the final blow.
Whereupon I glitch through the floor and fall to my death.
No.
That's too much.
That's gone right over the tropic of fuckabout on a jetski full of dicks.
I'm done.
Fuck the Surge, fuck Deck13, fuck anyone who likes it.
Blimey, that's filled my schedule out for the week.
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