<b>>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND </b>
<b>UPDATE," WITH COLIN JOST, AND </b>
<b>MICHAEL CHE.</b>
<b>[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]</b>
<b>>> THANK YOU, GOOD EVENING, </b>
<b>EVERYONE.</b>
<b>>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE" </b>
<b>I'M MICHAEL CHE.</b>
<b>>> AND I'M COLIN JOST.</b>
<b>Well after President</b>
<b>Trump was criticized for a</b>
<b>terrible response to Hurricane</b>
<b>Maria.</b>
<b>This morning he finally gave</b>
<b>the people of Puerto Rico what</b>
<b>they needed most.</b>
<b>A bunch of tweets straight up</b>
<b>calling them lazy.</b>
<b>>>> TRUMP SAYS THE PEOPLE OF </b>
<b>PUERTO RICO, QUOTE, WANT </b>
<b>EVERYTHING TO BE DONE FOR THEM".</b>
<b>THEN HE TOLD HIS CADDY TO REPAIR</b>
<b>HIS DIFFICULTY AND DRIVE HIM TO </b>
<b>THE NEXT HOLE.</b>
<b>TRUMP ALWAYS SAID HE WAS GOING </b>
<b>TO GET THINGS DONE FASTER THAN </b>
<b>ANY OTHER PRESIDENT.</b>
<b>NOW I BELIEVE HIM.</b>
<b>IT TOOK GEORGE W. BUSH TO GET </b>
<b>HIS KATRINA.</b>
<b>MEANWHILE, RAPPER PITBULL HAS </b>
<b>LOANED OUT HIS PRIVATE JET TO </b>
<b>HELP RESCUE PEOPLE IN PUERTO </b>
<b>RICO.</b>
<b>WOW, IF ONLY DONALD TRUMP KNEW </b>
<b>SOMEONE WITH A PRIVATE JET.</b>
<b>[ LAUGHTER ]</b>
<b>HOW IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE </b>
<b>UNITED STATES WORSE AT </b>
<b>HUMANITARIAN AID THAN PITBULL.</b>
<b>AND YOU KNOW PITBULL IS DOING IT</b>
<b>WHILE ALSO FEATURING ON FOUR </b>
<b>DIFFERENT TRACKS AND HOSTING </b>
<b>FOAM PARTIES FOR BUD LIGHT.</b>
<b>TRUMP IS BUSY DOING THE REAL </b>
<b>WORK, MAKING EXCUSES WHILE HALF </b>
<b>EXPLAINING WHAT AN ISLAND IS.</b>
<b>JUST WATCH.</b>
<b>>> THIS IS AN ISLAND, SURROUNDED</b>
<b>BY WATER, BIG WATER, OCEAN </b>
<b>WATER.</b>
<b>>> WATER YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN?</b>
<b>THIS ISN'T A TREACHEROUS </b>
<b>JOURNEY.</b>
<b>IT'S PUERTO RICO.</b>
<b>NOT SKULL ISLAND.</b>
<b>CRUISE SHIPS FULL OF RETIRED </b>
<b>AUNTS GO THERE EVERY DAY.</b>
<b>I THINK TRUMP IS WORKING OF ONE </b>
<b>OF THOSE OLD SAILOR MAPS WITH </b>
<b>SEA MONSTERS ON IT.</b>
<b>>> AFTER THE MAYOR OF SAN JUAN </b>
<b>CRITICIZED THE GOVERNMENT'S </b>
<b>PUERTO RICAN RELIEF EFFORTS </b>
<b>PRESIDENT TRUMP ATTACKED HER ON </b>
<b>TWITTER SAYING, "THE MAYOR OF </b>
<b>SAN JUAN WHO WAS VERY </b>
<b>COMPLIMENTARY ONLY A FEW DAYS </b>
<b>AGO.</b>
<b>HAS NOW BEEN TOLD BY THE </b>
<b>DEMOCRATS THAT YOU MUST BE NASTY</b>
<b>TO TRUMP."</b>
<b>OH, REALLY, DONALD?</b>
<b>YOU BITCH.</b>
<b>WAS SHE NASTY TO YOU?</b>
<b>HOW NASTY?</b>
<b>ARE YOU SHAKING?</b>
<b>DO YOU WANT TO SMOKE A VIRGINIA </b>
<b>SLIM UNTIL YOUR HAND STOPS </b>
<b>MOVING?</b>
<b>THIS ISN'T A COMPLICATED ISSUE, </b>
<b>MAN, IT'S HURRICANE RELIEF.</b>
<b>YOU JUST DID THIS VERY SAME </b>
<b>THING FOR WHITE PEOPLE, TWICE.</b>
<b>SO, TELL MELANIA TO PUT ON HER </b>
<b>FLOOD HEELS.</b>
<b>GET YOU SOME BOTTLED WATER, SOME</b>
<b>FOOD, SOME ATLANTA FALCONS SUPER</b>
<b>BOWL T-SHIRTS, WRITE A CHECK AND</b>
<b>-- WITH OUR MONEY, YOU CHEAP </b>
<b>CRACKER.</b>
<b>IN ONE MONTH YOU HAVE MISHANDLED</b>
<b>PUERTO RICO, DACA, THE NFL.</b>
<b>IT'S LIKE WHEN ANYBODY DARKER </b>
<b>THAN YOUR GOLF PANTS HAS A </b>
<b>PROBLEM YOU ARE THINKING HOW CAN</b>
<b>I MAKE THIS WORSE.</b>
<b>HEALTH AND SERVICES SECRETARY </b>
<b>TOM PRICE WAS CAUGHT USING </b>
<b>ALMOST A MILLION DOLLARS IN </b>
<b>TAXPAYER MONEY TO FRIDAY ON </b>
<b>PRIVATE JETS.</b>
<b>THAT'S COOL YOU RESIGNED, BUT </b>
<b>HOW ABOUT YOU PAY BACK THE </b>
<b>MONEY?</b>
<b>YOU CAN'T WALK INTO A STORE AND </b>
<b>DO A MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF </b>
<b>DAMAGE AND THEN BE LIKE I GET </b>
<b>IT, I'LL LEAVE.</b>
<b>MAN, WE WANT YOU TO PAY.</b>
<b>YOU CAN MAKE THAT MILLION BACK </b>
<b>WHEN YOU PUBLISH YOUR MEMOIR, </b>
<b>ALL THE PLACES YOU'LL GO ON A </b>
<b>GOVERNMENT FUNDED PRIVATE JET.</b>
<b>>>> THIS WEEK PRESIDENT TRUMP </b>
<b>CONTINUED HIS CRITICISM OF NFL </b>
<b>PLAYERS WHO TOOK A KNEE DURING </b>
<b>THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.</b>
<b>HE FIGURED CNN MSNBC ALREADY </b>
<b>HATE ME, HOW CAN I GET ESPN TO </b>
<b>HAID MADE ME, TOO.</b>
<b>BECAUSE TRUMP NEEDS EVERY </b>
<b>NETWORK TALKING ABOUT HIM, NEXT </b>
<b>HE IS GOING TO TWEET AT </b>
<b>NICKELODEON THAT THEY NEED TO </b>
<b>SHOW US DORA'S PAPERS.</b>
<b>>> THE COMMISSIONER OF THE NBA </b>
<b>SAID THAT HE EXPECTED PLAYERS TO</b>
<b>FOLLOW LEAGUE RULES AND STAND </b>
<b>DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.</b>
<b>THE NBA IS WHAT, 130, 140% </b>
<b>BLACK?</b>
<b>WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU GOING TO DO</b>
<b>IF THEY ALL DECIDE TO KNEEL?</b>
<b>HAVE THE NEW YORK PORZINGIS PLAY</b>
<b>THE SAN ANTONIO GINOBILI?</b>
<b>AND, HOW DID THIS GUY GET TO BE </b>
<b>THE COMMISSIONER OF THE NBA </b>
<b>ANYWAY?</b>
<b>HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY PUT A </b>
<b>SUIT ON A SEX TOY.</b>
<b>IT'S HARD TO ASK BLACK PLAYERS </b>
<b>TO RESPECT THE FLAG WHEN THEY </b>
<b>KNOW THIS COUNTRY CARES MORE </b>
<b>ABOUT IT THAN US.</b>
<b>OKAY?</b>
<b>WE LOVE THE FLAG, IT'S JUST THAT</b>
<b>WHITE GUYS REALLY LOVE THE FLAG.</b>
<b>I MEAN, IT'S ONE THING TO LIKE </b>
<b>I BET IF YOU ASK A BLACK PERSON,</b>
<b>DO YOU LOVE AMERICA?</b>
<b>HE'S LIKE, WHOA I LOVE BROOKLYN,</b>
<b>I AM RESERVING JUDGMENT ON THE </b>
<b>DAKOTAS.</b>
<b>>> ANGELA MERKEL WAS REELECTED </b>
<b>AS CHANCELLOR OF GERMANY FOR A </b>
<b>FOURTH TERM AND IS NOW THE </b>
<b>LONGEST SERVING LEADER IN </b>
<b>EUROPE.</b>
<b>HERE TO COMMENT IS GERMAN </b>
<b>CHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL.</b>
<b>[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]</b>
<b>>> OH, YEAH, I AM THE WINNER, </b>
<b>YAY!</b>
<b>YAY!</b>
<b>>> WAIT, WAIT, ARE YOU HAPPY </b>
<b>THAT YOU WON?</b>
<b>>> YES.</b>
<b>OF COURSE I'M HAPPY.</b>
<b>IS THAT NOT COMING ACROSS?</b>
<b>I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY SMILE.</b>
<b>YAY!</b>
<b>>> IT LOOKS A LITTLE TORTURED.</b>
<b>>> OKAY.</b>
<b>WELL, TO BE HONEST, COLIN PART </b>
<b>OF ME WAS HOPING TO RETIRE EVEN </b>
<b>THOUGH THE AVERAGE RETIREMENT </b>
<b>AGE IN GERMANY IS 87, AT WHICH </b>
<b>POINT YOU TRANSITION INTO MANUAL</b>
<b>LABOR.</b>
<b>ALSO, MY VICTORY WAS BITTER </b>
<b>SWEET BECAUSE THE FAR, FAR RIGHT</b>
<b>PARTY WON SEATS IN OUR </b>
<b>PARLIAMENT FOR THE FIRST TIME </b>
<b>SINCE THE -- YOU KNOW.</b>
<b>>> WHAT WAS THAT?</b>
<b>>> YOU KNOW, THE --</b>
<b>>> THE NAZIS.</b>
<b>GOT YOU, YEAH.</b>
<b>YEAH, I GOT TO SAY YOU SEEM </b>
<b>STRESSED OUT CHANCELLOR.</b>
<b>>> OH, THANK YOU.</b>
<b>>> NO, I MEAN I'M WORRIED ABOUT </b>
<b>YOU, I'M WORRIED THAT YOU ARE </b>
<b>DEALING WITH A LOT.</b>
<b>>> YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.</b>
<b>IT'S LIKE EVERYONE IN EUROPE IS </b>
<b>HAVING A ROWDY SLUMBER PARTY AND</b>
<b>I'M THE MEAN MOM WHO HAS TO SEND</b>
<b>THEM TO BED WITHOUT THEIR </b>
<b>RADISHES.</b>
<b>>> DO YOU HAVE ANY ALLIES LEFT </b>
<b>>> NO ALLIES.</b>
<b>MOSTLY ACTORS THESE DAYS.</b>
<b>EXCEPT OH, FOR THAT FRENCH HUNK </b>
<b>MACRON, OOH-LA-LA.</b>
<b>GET ME SOME DIAPHRAGMS.</b>
<b>I THINK OF THIS GUY I'M LIKE, </b>
<b>OBAMA WHO?</b>
<b>BARACK IS IT WORKING?</b>
<b>AM I MAKING YOU JEALOUS?</b>
<b>LEAVE MICHELE.</b>
<b>>> OH NO, YOU'RE STILL THAT HUNG</b>
<b>UP ON OBAMA, HUH?</b>
<b>>> I KNOW I MUST ACCEPT THAT </b>
<b>IT'S OVER AND MOVE ON.</b>
<b>SO, I DECIDED TO GET RID OF </b>
<b>EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE THAT </b>
<b>REMINDS ME OF HIM.</b>
<b>THIS LOVE LETTER I WROTE HIM BUT</b>
<b>NEVER SENT.</b>
<b>TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, I </b>
<b>RESPECT YOU, TEPID REGARDS, </b>
<b>MERKEL.</b>
<b>A MIX CD I MADE YOU BUT WAS TOO </b>
<b>SHY TO GIVE.</b>
<b>IT'S A MIX OF ALL THE SONGS BY </b>
<b>CREED.</b>
<b>A PICTURE OF US AT THE G20 </b>
<b>SUMMIT.</b>
<b>I WAS COLD AND YOU LET ME BORROW</b>
<b>YOUR JACKET.</b>
<b>TURNS OUT WE WERE WEARING THE </b>
<b>SAME SUIT.</b>
<b>I HAD TO STOP FOLLOWING HIM ON </b>
<b>SOCIAL MEDIA SO I WOULDN'T BE </b>
<b>TEMPTED THE SLIDE INTO HIS DMs.</b>
<b>ONE NIGHT I HAD ONE TOO MANY </b>
<b>SHOTS, ONE.</b>
<b>AND I SENT HIM A PICTURE OF MY </b>
<b>BARE KNEE.</b>
<b>HE WROTE BACK, IS THAT A PEELED </b>
<b>POTATO?</b>
<b>[ LAUGHTER ]</b>
<b>>> WOW.</b>
<b>IT REALLY MUST BE HARD TO GO </b>
<b>FROM OBAMA TO TRUMP.</b>
<b>AND I ALSO HEARD THAT TRUMP </b>
<b>WAITED FOUR DAYS BEFORE HE </b>
<b>CALLED YOU TO SAY CONGRATS.</b>
<b>>> FOUR DAYS.</b>
<b>FOUR DAYS, HE WAITS.</b>
<b>WHICH IN GERMANY IS LIKE </b>
<b>20 BUSINESS DAYS.</b>
<b>FINALLY I SENT HIM A TINY </b>
<b>E-MAIL, I WAS LIKE ARE YOU GOING</b>
<b>SAY ANYTHING?</b>
<b>AND HE WAS LIKE OH, SORRY, JUST </b>
<b>SAW THIS, DIDN'T HAVE MY PHONE.</b>
<b>AND I WAS LIKE, THAT FEELING </b>
<b>WHEN HE DOESN'T TEXT YOU BACK, </b>
<b>BUT YOU SEE HIM TWEETING.</b>
<b>>> I THINK YOU NEED TO TAKE SOME</b>
<b>TIME AFTER YOUR VICTORY TO </b>
<b>RELAX.</b>
<b>HALLOWEEN IS RIGHT AROUND THE </b>
<b>CORNER.</b>
<b>>>> ALREADY KNOW WHAT MY SFOOUM </b>
<b>WILL BE.</b>
<b>I WILL BE GOING A SLUTTY ANGELA </b>
<b>MERKEL.</b>
<b>THAT'S ME, BUT WITH A HAT.</b>
Không có nhận xét nào:
Đăng nhận xét