[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Oh, shit. French Montana's here.
Yo, shit. Yo. [ Laughs ]
Yo.
-Yo, what up, my nigga? -Yo.
What you guys drinking? Hennessy?
Desus: I got -- I'm drinking beer.
He's drinking...
[ Slurps ] ...water?
Activists.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
♪ Happy birthday, you worm ♪
♪ Happy birthday, you clown ♪
On his 71st birthday, Trumpito learned
that he personally is under FBI investigation.
That's the best present you could receive.
That is. That is. That was on his Amazon gift list.
Yes, he is personally under investigation
for obstruction of justice.
-Yep. Yep. -That's wild.
The New York Times reports Mueller is also investigating
money laundering. Mnh-mnh.
Ooh!
So, basically what's happening is people thought Trump
was, like, this wild-smart, international businessman.
No, he's, like, possibly a low-level crook,
and people were just running money through him
'cause he's a dummy who has mad property
and he will do shady things for money. Yeah. Why not?
So, let's sit back and relax. Get out the popcorn, y'all.
Shout-out to you. Niggas about to go down.
Also, shout-out to America
for having a president with priors, basically.
Yep. You know what I'm sayin'?
We might be one of the hoodest countries right now.
For sure.
I just can't wait for these Trump Tower fire sales, nigga.
I'm copping like three.
Yeah. "Everything must go!"
Oh, man. I can't wait. Buying like 12 penthouses.
I can't wait for the MSNBC "Lockup: Raw,"
like when they're doing the marathon at Thanksgiving, and they got Trump in there.
He's talking like, "Yeah, I used to run the country."
"Yo, I had shit on smash back in the day."
The Daily Beast, who --
Is it the Daily Beast or the Daily Mail that's the messy rag?
The Daily Mail is the messy thot.
Okay, so, shout-out to The Daily Beast.
They got some reactions from Trump's White House
as the news broke last night.
They're all shook-daddy.
[ Laughter ]
So, basically the Trump administration
is like Meek Mill's crew when "Back To Back" dropped.
Or Chris Brown's publicist.
Like, "Yo. Oh, God. Where's his phone?! Where's his phone?!"
"Where is it?! Where is it?! Somebody find it!"
Got the whole house in airplane mode.
They got a fingerprint lock on his shit
that's somebody else's fingerprint.
Ohh. And Trump -- listen.
We don't give Trump enough props on this show.
-He did. He stayed away. -He stayed away.
♪ He stayed away ♪
He stayed away from the Twitter machine
until 7:55 this morning when he hopped on like,
"Yo, guess who's back, bitches!"
♪ Guess who's back in the motherfuckin' house ♪
♪ With a fat tweet for your motherfuckin' mouth ♪
Yes, Donald J. Trump popped back on the timeline
and said -- Go ahead.
-"Sad." -"Nice."
The wild passive-aggressive "nice" at the end
that your mother says.
"Great. Nice. Beautiful.
If he jumped off a bridge, would you, too?
-"Nice. Nice." -Yo. Oh, my God.
"You are witnessing the single greatest WITCH HUNT
in American political history
led by some very bad, very bad,
and conflicted people. MAGA."
MAGA! Nigga's rallying the troops and shit. MAGA!
-Ohh. -He got them in a frenzy.
All the MAGA gang is home right now like,
"Yo, defend him! Mein fuhrer!"
-Oh, Trump. -You know what I'm sayin'?
And even Trumpito's homey
Newt Gingrich, Young Salamander --
Newt Gingrich. Sounds like a type of lizard.
You know what I'm sayin'?
He supported Robert Mueller when he was hired, so, hmm.
At first, he was doing -- You know -- What'd he do?
[ Imitating flute ] Dick-flute solo. Yep.
Now, anytime you tell someone to calm down, it always backfires.
Listen. Desus went through that so you don't have to.
-Yeah, please. -But then he flipped it up.
Newt switched it up on us.
He said, "Mueller now clearly
the tip of the deep state spear..."
-Oh, hey, yo. -Hey, yo. All right, Newt.
"Aimed at Trump's anus."
This was at 7:28 a.m., man.
That is "just the tip" time, though.
As your girl going to work, you're like, "Yo..."
"Just a little -- Real quick. I'll be like 30 seconds.
"Yo, your train don't come for 10 minutes." Come on, ma, please?"
Why would you latch onto Trump now that he's really going down?
Like, fam. Look at your man, dawg.
Didn't he have the wild opioid addiction?
Yeah.
And he had a line of credit at Tiffany's
that he ran through when he was cheating on his wife.
[ Breathes sharply ]
♪ Messy Desus, messy Desus ♪
-Ooh! Damn, Newt! -Yeah.
Man: That's his third wife.
-Third wife. -Oh, his third wife? Damn.
That's how you know the world is fucked up against women.
There's no reason three women
have had to have sex with Newt Gingrich.
Yeah. That's foul. That's worse than 79%.
Y'all worried about sharia law. Free these three.
Yeah. How about the Gingrich law?
Look at her eyes. She's like, "Help me!"
"Oh, my God! Help me!"
Yo, she's not smizing, nigga. She's, like, screaz-ming.
[ Laughter ]
"Help! Help!"
Yo, damn, dawg. How much Adderall are you on?
Trump gave her a job? Oh, so I don't feel bad for her.
Convenient, huh?
He's probably smashing it.
-No. No. -[ Laughs ]
Imagine them nasty old-ass white-people orgies
with all them old, white niggas with little pink dicks.
Like, "Oh, I like when you rim me."
Just having the wild orgy at Trump Tower and shit.
Yeah. Nasty.
Niggas knocking over taco bowls.
Like, "Ohh!" The shit's getting all on them like, "Yo!"
"Give me a rim job while I eat a taco bowl!"
[ Laughter ]
They're using Trump brand condoms.
Shit's popping left and right.
Shit's popping left and right. You just hear "pap-pap-pap-pap."
-Like, "What the..is that?! -Like gunshots.
Is there a shootout?"
"No, it's my Trump condoms. They're fugilzi."
[ Laughter ]
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Floyd Mayweather and Conor McGregor
are officially gonna box each other,
gonna take off their shoes, and go into the octagon.
Wait. No. They're fighting in a ring, right?
They're fighting in the actual boxing ring.
This is gonna be real boxing. Actual boxing rules.
-Real boxing. -Yeah.
Why they made Floyd look mad-zesty, though,
in the...flyer?
Like, "Hmm, that's right. Yas, bitch, I'm-a get you.
Go ahead. Try and hit me. Watch. You can't touch me, nigga."
"This is how bad bitches get on a plane to Prague."
"Y'all bitches can't even spell Prague!"
Like, yo, come on.
McGregor's gonna get washed, bro.
This is a 12-round boxing match? Standard rules?
Yo, McGregor's getting washed, bro. I'm sorry.
But even if he loses,
Conor McGregor's getting, what, $100 mill?
-$100 mill. -So he can't lose!
He's Parker Lewis. He can't lose.
Like, yo, I will fight Floyd Mayweather right now
for $100 million. Bro, I wouldn't even fight.
I'd just be like, "yo, punch me dead in my face, my nigga."
I'll be like, "Punch me in my nuts. Make it worth it!
Spit on me!"
This is gonna be a spectacle.
Who do we need to talk to
to allow us to call this boxing match?
Word. Yo, everybody else out there is wack.
Roy Jones definitely got CTE, bro, the way he be talking.
Like, he's like, "Yo, he throwing the dab,
but the dab is not working for him,
but then, you know, peanut butter and jelly sandwich
is my favorite sandwich to eat,
and there was the time I had the barbecue one time
when I had the sandals on my feet."
-Yo! -Like, what?!
Yo, even Fat Joe was forced to lean back.
Don't get run up, my nigga.
Remember. It's "Desus and Mero."
Like, your beef with him is his beef.
You know what I'm sayin'?
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Hey! On to happier news.
-Our man Barry -- -This is not happier news.
This is like seeing your ex flourish on Instagram.
I mean, I'm happy to see him flourish, B.
You know what? We said we were gonna be friends
and we're gonna be adult about this.
But, Barry, I miss you. Yeah.
It hurts to see you out there, just living your best life out there.
It's okay. It's okay. We'll get through it.
-Just tweet through it. -And then Joe Biden.
When we lost Barry, we lost Joe.
We lost Joe. We lost them both together.
But, yo, like Ma$e said, I want to see you happy
even if it's not with me. You know what I'm sayin'?
Barry's --
Joe Biden's out here living his best life, too.
He's at Morgan State, which is a HBCU. You know what I'm sayin'?
He's at the graduation turning the...up.
Nigga had no shirt on
wearing Timbs with the fur and shit.
"Yeah, what's good, baby?
Yeah, you like that? Yeah."
Look at Joe. Joe's like, "Yeah."
He's like, "Yeah. Mm. Ooh. Girl."
But if you watch it carefully,
he's not kissing her -- he's just smelling.
He wants to smell the SheaMoisture like, "Yeah."
"Mmm. You smell delicious, girl. Ohh."
He's saying, "Ahh." You seen that?! [ Laughs ]
He's like, "Mm, baby, you smell like a snickerdoodle, baby."
[ Laughter ]
Listen. He's the Romeo Santos of Scranton.
Yo! "Mmm. So nasty."
So nasty. Yo. [ Laughs ]
Don't let Appalachia find out.
[ Laughs ] Yo!
Shorty was open. Shorty was open.
She's like, "Aah! Oh, my God!"
He came back later like, "Yo, why you making it hot with the Snapchat?
I was trying to -- Come on, man.
He's like, "Yo, why you put me out there, ma? You know wifey's here."
I thought that was a personal video, ma. Come on."
You know what I'm sayin'? He's out here.
That's not the first time.
He taught a young woman how to take a selfie one time.
You know what I'm sayin'? In a very sensual way.
Do you want to do a goofy one?
[ Laughter ]
You sound like my daughter.
He's like, "Yo, check this out, ma. Right here. Bong. Ah.
Ah. You see that? Yeah?"
Oh-oh! You see the dip?! You see the dip?! Aah!
Nigga scooped it!
Nigga said, "Ahh." He said, "Ahh."
What's good?
He's like, "Yeah, I learned that at Mingles."
-He's like, "Yeah." -"Yeah, ma."
[ Laughter ]
-"Feel the mule? -Come on, ma.
-Huh? You feel that? -Yeah!
You feel that Amtrak? You feel the 7:13 express? Yeah."
Huh? They used to call me Joe Pipin'."
He's like, "Yo, think about that. You know what I'm sayin'?
Later tonight when you're in the bubble bath."
He's like, "When you leave this dub, holla at me."
[ Laughs ] He's like, "Damn. Joe just took my girl."
He just looked at him like, "Yo, do somethin', pussy."
[ Laughter ]
Yo!
[ Laughter ]
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Oh, boy.
A man from Flint, Michigan,
called into Steve Harvey's radio show.
Yes, he has a radio show, he has a TV show,
he has a... beauty pageant.
He got a line of suits, he got a line of mustaches.
He has a lace-front factory for men.
You know what I mean? All that.
This guy called in to make fun of
Harvey's hometown Cleveland Cavs,
and Steve Harvey wasn't hip for it at all.
But as a respectable
and responsible leader of the black community,
I'm sure his response was measured.
Yeah, yeah, of course. It wasn't probably cruel and mean.
Now, you know we lying. We wouldn't be showing the video if it wasn't.
Come on...outta here. He roasted that nigga.
Wha...?!
Whoa. Is that a Flint joke?
Whoa!
Wait. He's not done yet.
Woman: We're moving on right now.
Harvey: Hey, hey, hey...
Man: Go ahead.
Goddamn, Steve! Goddamn, Steve!
-Yo! Why -- Damn, son! -I mean --
And wasn't this nigga sending pallets of bottled water
over there like last month?
What are you doing?! Wow. What a Dick.
Listen. That's why he can make that joke.
He can be like, "I sent them free water."
He'd be like, "Did you send them water?"
"I sent them prayers."
Yo, damn. That was cold-blooded.
But this was right after the Cavs shit happened.
Yeah, so he was in his feelings.
He was definitely in his feelings.
He was in his feelings. Came close. I understand.
LeBron's still the GOAT. You got that to hang your hat on.
Also, you got to be defensive with it.
What was Joakim Noah -- What was his view of Cleveland?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. [ Laughs ]
Shout-out to Joakim Noah, who is now crippling the Knicks' payroll.
Noah: I don't know about this place, man.
I just stayed in my hotel room, man.
Every time I look out my window,
it's pretty depressing out here, man.
It's bad. It's bad.
Man: Do you regret anything that you said about Cleveland?
Noah: Not at all.
[ Laughter ]
Do you like it? Do you think Cleveland's cool?
I mean, I never heard anybody say,
"I'm going to Cleveland on vacation."
[ Laughter ]
-Damn! -Yo!
-Damn! -Damn, boy.
See? You know what? Boi! Yo!
You know what? Maybe that's why Steve Harvey got so defensive.
Yo. Nigga said, "Boi," to the entire state of Ohio.
-Damn. -Goddamn.
♪♪
Yeah, boy. Number-one show in late night, ballbags.
-Don't you ever forget about it. -You know what I'm sayin'?
We have illustrious guests all the time,
but this time, dawg --
This is more illustrious than the last illustrious guest.
That's right. You know what I'm sayin'?
We have none other than the king of East Tremont, dawg,
the king of the Bronx. You know what I'm sayin'?
Legendary rapper, international superstar.
Coke Boy. French Montana!
Montana, come to the building! Rapper!
♪♪
Let's talk about the single "Unforgettable."
Yeah, yeah, "Unforgettable."
That's, like, the number-one joint.
As soon as you heard that, were you like,
-"Yeah, this is the one"? -Yeah, yeah, for sure.
When you were in the Bronx, did you ever think
you'd be building hospitals in Uganda?
Um, nah.
But I guess that's the power of art and music.
You never know where it could take you.
You know, I never knew I'd be in Uganda, neither.
You know, music is one thing
that can take you all around the world
'cause it's a worldwide language.
Yeah, when you went from, like, mixtape rapper to, like, stadiums.
Yeah, I mean --
When I want to go back to them streets.
-Yeah? -Yeah, of course, man.
I mean, my situation was a little different.
I felt like when I came here,
my mother and everybody -- My father had left.
And I was trying to go to college and be
and do good and everything.
I ain't -- I ain't have that privilege.
I couldn't get no scholarships. I got my little brother there.
He's able to get scholarships
and go play basketball and do all that.
Oh, shit. I wasn't able to.
I was like, "Can I play some basketball?"
They was like, "Where's your papers?" Right.
I was like, "You know what? I'm done with this."
So that's when I was forced to start hustling.
I started hustling. I just -- I moved on.
I was like, "You know what? This ain't getting nowhere.
Let me do the entrepreneur thing."
"Cocaine City" DVDs.
Why does everyone love working with you?
Are you just like -- You got the --
It's team love, man. Positive energy.
You get what you put out there.
We came from a lifetime of negativity.
I'm not trying to beef with nobody.
-Facts. -That's true.
I'm trying to get some money and relax.
I'm in Bergen County now, nigga. I got a two-car garage.
I'm just trying to chill. You feel me?
I'm just trying to chill. Y'all can have the block.
You know what I'm sayin'? I'll come through.
I'll come through. With a nutcracker.
And say, "What's up?" I'll come through.
[ Laughter ]
I'm not even gonna hit you with this. Let me do this.
[ Laughter ]
You know what I'm sayin'?
Yo, last year, you won 60K off of Drake for the Finals?
-I can't say that. -You can't say that?
It's hot? Are we --
Trying to get me indicted.
We was just talking about like this to the block.
We got to edit that.
What's the wildest rumor you've heard about yourself?
-Nah, you can keep it. -Keep that?
-I didn't say nothing about it. -You didn't say nothing.
Plead the Fifth, nigga. We out here.
Did you make a bet with Drake this year?
You don't have to say how much.
Nah, we got $60,000 on the game --
me and him against Drake and Chubbs.
Yeah, we waiting to get back to L.A. so we can line that up.
-I saw them practicing. -Oh!
[ Laughter ] Oh, shit.
Great rapper from the Bronx, but your bowling game!
Yo, nigga. What?!
Yo, remember when your man shut down --
Y'all don't even know!
Y'all don't even know how hype I was!
Bring up the clip. Bring up the clip.
It was a Saturday night, a Saturday afternoon.
I'm, like, mad-smacked.
I got a text message. Someone was like,
"Yo, your boy is out here killing it bowling on ESPN."
I was like, "East Tremont, nigga! [Trills tongue]"
You stupid! Looking at my man.
Look at the stroke, B. Pause. Look at that.
Drong! You stupid! This is not a game.
Proud day in the Bronx.
We was about to rename the Major Deegan after you
after that right there, man.
Ohh. That day is a phenomenal day, bro,
'cause I never played bowling, and I won the whole tournament.
-You never bowled before that?! -Dead serious.
[ Laughter ]
Yo!
I swear to God. I never bowled.
I mean, I probably -- you know what I'm sayin' --
went with a girl on a date probably, like --
Fake. You know what I mean? Fake vibe.
But that one, I walked down.
I'm thinking it's just, like, a little party.
They were like, "Suit up." I'm like, "For what?"
"Suit up." Nigga!
So, Chris Paul was like, "You just came here for what?"
I was like, "Oh, man, all right."
Threw the joint on.
So, your man L.J. came with his bag.
Every ball says his name, polished.
One gold, this -- He's right before me.
His shit going over there, crack and a boom.
[ Laughter ]
You got professional joints.
Their shit hitting off the wall, cracking everything.
I'm sitting there like...
-"Oh, shit." -..."I...up."
What am I doing here?"
So I went. I don't know how I did it.
I was like -- Keep your elbow in here
and just shoot straight, hit that third line.
Every time I hit, it cracked.
I'm like, "All right. I'm-a just stick to this. I'm-a win."
I was under so much pr--
I was watching. I was like, "Yo!"
And you got to the end. I was like, "Yo!"
Nigga, when I seen you with that trophy, nigga,
it was like a Knicks championship.
Yo, then what was worse,
it played right before the Super Bowl.
Like, right after the game, it was Super Bowl.
I was like, "Nah. I'm about to embarrass myself."
Oh. You killed it, man.
Next thing you know, I'm in the middle of the game.
I'm like, "Yo, this shit working."
That was unforgettable for real.
You are inspiration for niggas, bro.
You out here winning bowling tournaments.
Hanging with the Kardashians. You out here.
This nigga had the Kardashians on Third Ave!
This nigga had the Kardashians on Third Ave!
City Island. City Island.
No. There's one of y'all walking down Third Ave.
Oh. Hard bodies. Your man --
I seen you! You're not low!
Also, shout-out to you.
He tried to throw me off the stage at Fool's Good.
He was like, "Yo, get off here, little nigga."
I was like, "I'm hosting!"
I was like, "I'm hosting, big man! I got to stay!"
This nigga came through Fool's Gold with a hundred niggas.
I was like, "Bro." I thought the stage was gonna collapse.
And then you brought Bobby out.
No, but look. But back to that joint.
They had the nerve to call me and say,
"Yo, you want to participate for the second annual?"
I said, "No, sir."
So you retired undefeated. Yeah!
-"I'm done." -Retire on top.
Imagine going back, losing first round.
Nah. You can't do that. You retired. You're like, "No."
I'm probably rusty. I ain't played since I won.
[ Laughs ] That's it, B.
-You went out on top. -You can't go back.
♪♪
Do you know what you want your rainbow to say?
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, just "Unforgettable." That's about it right now.
-"Unforgettable." -That's right, baby.
French Montana. Montana in the building!
BX! We out here!
BX. East Tremont. What up? [ Trills tongue ]
That's the biggest record in the country.
Don't you ever play yourself at Gmail dot net.
-Montana! Give it up! Whoo! -Holla!
♪♪
Hey! Shout-outs!
Shout-outs! Yeah!
Yo, shout-out to this Little League coach,
you know what I'm sayin', doing what you got to do,
you know what I mean,
in the midst of a heated battle
between 6-year-olds.
I want to make sure you guys remember
what our goals are when we step on this field.
Jaxon, with an "X",
what's one of our goals when we step on the field?
Jaxon: Oh, to...
to do your bestest. Okay. Not even close.
[ Laughs ] Mero: [ Laughs ]
Did we learn anything this year?
-Yes. -Our goal, our goals --
-Give it our best shot. -No, not even close.
Our goals are -- Listen, listen.
Our goals are to hit dingers.
Everybody better have their eyes on me.
Eyes on me, Ryland.
Hit dingers,
disgrace the pitcher's family,
make the other families, other players cry,
and stomp their butts into the ground.
Does everyone understand that?
♪ Let's go Yankees ♪
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Let's go!
This is me as a... Little League coach
in about five years.
...up.
This is me just watching someone's kids.
[ Laughs ]
Would it be weird if I pulled up
to, like, some random Little League game drunk and just watched it?
I could just -- No, you could. People do it all the time.
Yeah? It's not that weird.
I don't know... If you pull up,
and there's, like, parking spots in the back,
No, that's sounds very "Law and Order: SVU."
You know what I'm sayin'?
If you're not a creep, you know what I'm sayin'?
Like, if you're somebody's uncle or some shit.
No, if I'm not related to any of these kids at all,
that's different. Then that's creepy, yeah.
Like, all the kids are white,
and I'm there black, like, "yeah!"
"Yay!" With a... little bag of candy.
They're like, "which kid is yours?"
I'm like, "I don't know yet." "I don't know yet."
[ Laughs ]
"I haven't chosen him."
[ Laughter ]
Just so that we're clear,
every time we step on this field,
our goal is to be a winner.
And if your dad has said,
"Oh, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose,
just as long as you have fun,"
well, I hate to say it,
your dad's a loser.
[ Laughs ] Aah!
[ Laughs ]
Why is this guy giving the same drunken speech
Mero's gonna give at my wedding?
[ Laughs ]
Yo! I can't wait.
[ Slurring ] Let me tell you something.
This guy right here is a great guy.
Your pussy and his cocky make the perfect team.
All right, 'cuz. Give me the mic.
Give me the mic. Let me tell you.
It's the perfect team.
[ Normal voice ] Yo, shout-out to fidget spinner butt plugs.
N-a-a-a-ah.
When the ass is distracting.
Oh, my God.
Hey, yeah, yeah. Oh!
Do you have A.D.D. and A-s-s?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah! [ Laughs ] Well, this is for you.
It's gonna be lit this weekend. [ Laughs ]
Buy that for your girl,
put it in her butt, spin it,
and then put her in the pool,
and she goes like a submarine, like, rah!
[ Laughter ]
Yo!
But if you got a wild-fat ass, it's not gonna spin.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Eh... So, sorry, Yacenia.
You can make it work. You just -- Eh.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Imagine the wild-fat yeeks. You know what I'm sayin'?
That butt plug's not big enough. It's not long enough.
If you pull them apart and get that "pwah."
Yeah. Pwah!
And it just distributes the scent around the room.
Oh, shit. It's like a...Air Wick.
Got the -- It's an Ass Wick, nigga.
It's an Ass Wick.
[ Laughter ]
This is an Ass Wick, nigga.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, shit. "Oh, it's Mexican tonight."
[ Laughter ]
Got the whole room smelling like
Kenny Rogers' fried chicken.
Yeah! yeah!
Nasty. Yo!
♪♪
Google "Larry King, Donald Trump, bad breath."
Do you mind if I sit back a little bit... King: No.
...because your breath is very bad.
Mero: [ Laughs ] Yo!
Yo!
[ Laughter ]
Yo! You've never seen this?
What the...? This is a gem, y'all.
Shout-out to Donald Trump being a dickhead
way back in '89. Yo, yo, listen.
At least, he stayed true to his character.
He stayed true to his character.
Do you mind if I sit back a little bit... Mero: Wow.
King: No. ...because your breath is very bad.
It really is.
Has this ever been told to you?
Yo! No? Okay.
This is live? King: [ Laughs ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Burps ]
Yo, I feel bad. We got Fr--
We got French here. We got the mad flies and shit.
That was not sexy.
That was an eggroll burp, nigga. Oh, man.
That's a bulletproof glass.
Yo, I'm gonna go wait outside.
Tell me when my General Tso's comes through.
How you gonna burp in front of French?
South Bronx, baby.
All day. You already know. [ Trills tongue ]
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