So I was sitting at the table with my dad,
and we had just spent 45 minutes
fighting over me eating a pickle.
I just couldn't bring myself to eat it.
I just couldn't give up the control
and let myself eat a stupid pickle.
I remember my dad kind of just
getting so frustrated and upset with me,
and he just looked at me and with this like
heartbreaking look on his face.
He just said to me like, what are you doing to yourself,
are you trying to kill yourself?
Don't you value your life?
(soft piano instrumental)
I was 15 and I just constantly felt like I was faking it.
I wasn't comfortable in my own skin
or comfortable with who I was.
And I just felt sad all the time,
and like I was constantly walking around
with this raincloud over my head.
And it just, it became too much.
I realized that I couldn't remember the last time
I hadn't been sad.
I hit a point where those thoughts and feelings of
not feeling good enough, never feeling like I was enough
just started taking over,
and they became all that consumed me.
And soon it became not just that
I hated what was in my mind,
but I started hating my body, too.
And I hit this point where I decided if I couldn't
fix what was in my mind, I was gonna fix my body.
I started skipping meals,
and as soon as I started, I was hooked.
It was just this feeling of being in control,
I think that it became this like,
all-encompassing high that I just, it was an addiction.
I couldn't stop.
It started with one meal, and then it was two,
and then it was three, and then it was four.
I had been missing
feeling in control of my life, of something,
and all of a sudden I had it, and I couldn't stop.
I would set a goal and you know,
you think that once you set your goal,
you're gonna hit it and it's gonna be enough.
But you hit your goal and then you set another one,
and another one, it's never enough.
I never felt fulfilled once I hit my goal.
I had to keep going.
I would walk into a room and the first thing I did was
look around to see was I the skinniest?
And that started bleeding into other parts of my life,
and I couldn't eat around people.
I was so disgusted and ashamed with myself
that I felt like I didn't deserve to eat.
I was really naive about what I was doing to myself.
I was losing weight, and I became a shell of a person.
I wasn't there when I was there.
I wasn't me anymore.
(soft piano instrumental)
My friends and family were really great,
and there for me, even when I didn't let them be.
I was in such a bad place with myself
that I felt so undeserving and unworthy of their love.
I completely closed myself off from everyone.
I was walking up the stairs to my room one day.
My room's in the attic,
so I was going up two flights of stairs.
And about halfway up, my body just gave up.
I was done.
I was sweating, my heart was racing, my legs were trembling,
and I had to sit down.
I was 18 and I could not make it up two flights of steps
without having to stop.
And I was sitting there,
and my sister kind of came up and found me,
and asked me what I was doing,
and I was so ashamed in that moment of what was happening.
I think that that was one of those moments
where I kind of started realizing like, is this worth it?
I think it took a lot of those moments
before anything changed, but it was a start.
(soft piano instrumental)
Recovery is terrifying.
It's a long and hard process.
And it's a constant fight.
I would have to wake up every single morning
and actively make this decision to fight.
And some days it was hard, and some days it was too much.
I couldn't always do it.
There were so many ups and downs,
but there was this inner fight in me that just kept me going
and I decided to stop letting my depression
and eating disorder define me.
I didn't wanna be this sick girl anymore.
And so I started thinking about who I did wanna be.
And step by step, I started rebuilding my life.
(soft piano instrumental)
My eating disorder is an addiction.
It's just like every other addiction,
and I have to constantly choose to fight it.
I still struggle.
I think that I'll always struggle to an extent,
but I've also learned to deal with it
in a much healthier way, and my past is a part of me.
It'll always be a part of who I am,
but it's made me stronger.
And it's taken a long time,
but I've finally become a person I'm proud of.
(soft piano instrumental)
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