(MARKER SCRATCHING)
(ELECTRONIC VIDEO GAME CHIME)
Hi.
So, it's 8:40.
Whoa.
In case you...
Whoa.
In case you needed, like, proof.
And it's morning, as you can see.
So, before we even do anything, do I want this, whoa, with this?
Or do I just want to do this?
I haven't had warm coffee, I haven't had hot coffee in a while
and it's kinda chilly, but let's just finish this.
OK.
Mm.
Now I can start.
So, I apologise if the quality,
the audio quality of this is not going to be, like, up to par with my fancy mic.
I'm just not...
For this type of thing, I don't want to do my fancy mic.
I just want to do the camera mic.
So, I've never done this type of video before.
I've done vlogging and stuff but I've never really...
I've never done, I filmed my mental health for a week, two weeks type of video,
and I feel like this week is a very strange week to start
because I'm pretty much changing my entire life, or attempting to, right now.
So, I'm not really sure how I feel right now
because I just woke up about ten minutes ago,
so you're gonna have to give me a little bit of time.
Today's agenda is film, and not just this.
I guess, I'm kind of like...
My brain's kind of numb because...
Then something also happened when I was trying to go to sleep.
I only got three hours of sleep on the Friday night and the Saturday morning,
and then I was exhausted, and then I was trying to sleep, and then...
Something happened from the past that was just making me go, 'Why?'
And then...
I'm gonna try and deal with all of this, get ready, drink coffee, get food
and, yeah, that's your introduction for what this is supposed to be about.
So, I've put on pants just for this moment so YouTube doesn't get mad at me.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey!
So, actually, because it's morning
and that means it's the beginning of the day, normally, afternoon's beginning of my day,
but I decided to try this thing called the Happiness Planner to try to make me happier.
I know it's not gonna be a cure but I thought maybe it would try to help me remember some
of the good things that occur because it's not all bad things, there's some good things.
So, so you get things like
"what I'm excited about, exercise, main focus, meals, scheduled to-dos,
"notes, good things about today, what I'm grateful for and what I hope for tomorrow."
So, exercise - none.
I work out during the weekdays.
What I'm excited about - YouTube videos.
Also, trying a new game tonight on Twitch, so I think that's what we're going to do.
Main focus - YouTube and writing.
I was supposed to write yesterday but...
Alright, and I will leave the notes,
what I'm grateful for and good things about today and what I hope for tomorrow for later.
And what we're gonna do is I'm gonna sit down,
drink coffee, watch whatever's on TV, some news, some weather stuff,
'cause, you know, I'm a weather nerd, and eat and get ready.
Oh, my god.
Why is...?
Just, please, why is doing YouTube videos always so frustrating
and nothing ever works out?
It's always trying to get things up in the right angle or lighting
or this phone doesn't want to cooperate for whatever reason.
Oh, OK, now we can finally get to filming the video.
OK, I'm feeling better.
I think that one recorded and it didn't...
my camera didn't shut off and my battery still existed, so, OK, that's great.
Doing videos is so frustrating, isn't it?
Everything goes wrong.
Hopefully, it comes out well, so, the sun had come out and now it's like...it went down.
Well, it didn't go down, it's still daylight,
but it's cloudy - that's the word that I'm looking for.
My frustration is gone, my anger issue is gone,
but I don't know, I'm still feeling, like, numb and really sad
and I want to cry and talking about it is making me want to cry right now,
so, oh, can I have a hug?
I don't know, I just hope that this is a good turnout.
YouTube has been...
YouTube has been one of my issues lately, when it comes to my brain,
but hopefully...I look forward to seeing it.
Hopefully, this video does well.
Say hi.
Morning.
It's Monday and I was calm when I slept last night after I did a stream.
I mean, the stream went great.
So, I put what I was grateful for/good things about today in my Happiness Planner.
I wrote "My Twitch followers again", 'cause I got to play some games with them
and then a lot of 'em are really generous with tips,
and I got to draw some Pokemon, which is always nice,
and, you know, work went well.
Today, well, before I get to today,
last night, right before I went to bed, I had a little bit depression episode.
It wasn't so great.
Tears were involved, huh, so...
So, today, what I'm excited about.
So, I filled in this little bit.
I got a sponsored video coming at 2.
That's in about 5.5 hours,
and, when I put yesterday for what I hoped for tomorrow, that it gets a good response.
That's pretty much it.
I'm at the gym.
It's, like, 9:45.
There's too many people here, though.
I don't wanna go in.
[chuckles]
Everybody's like, "Why do you go to the gym at 4 in the morning?"
Because it just opens and nobody's there, at least in the weight room for upstairs,
for a good, like, half-hour, 20 minutes to a half-hour, nobody goes up there.
That means I can do everything I wanna do in peace
and I don't have to worry about anybody staring at me and whatever.
And, like, practically this whole row is filled of cars and then this parking lot...
If I was just doing cardio, I wouldn't be as petrified
but, lately, I've just been dreading doing that too.
Remember last year when I made my video about, like, resolutions
and I wanted to go to the gym more often?
I was doing really good with that
and then September happened and that's when everything screwed up
'cause I banged my foot and then I took, like, a month off
because I thought maybe it was badly injured, 'cause my foot was really, really swollen.
Well, then, I was out of the country for a month shortly after that
and then I got really sick in March and April, whatever that...
the month when I was going through all of that, Playlist Live, I don't know.
And then, so I just...my depression got worse
and I ate more and more and then I gained more weight
and then I had to keep buying new and bigger clothes every few months
and I never came back here.
And, oh, and that just sets off, like, body image, eating disorder crap
that you'd think would go away by now but nope.
OK, well, I'm gonna try going in and wish me luck.
I'm having a really big anger moment
and I'm just upstairs trying to lay down and calm down.
Like...oh.
So, I just tried to make my sponsored video go live and then the settings were all messed up
for, like, the first 20 minutes,
so, like, I'm over here promoting it but nobody can see it, and then fi...
So, I got my manager.
Luckily, my manager was available to get the settings set up
the way that they were supposed to be and now, OK, it's public.
The company, the sponsor can view it.
People, the viewers can view it.
And...but now I'm, like, so paranoid that it's not showing up in sub boxes
because it got all messed up instead of it just going smoothly
live and into sub boxes, and, like, the view count now is just awful.
I get super stressed out
when it comes to sponsored videos not thriving as much as my other videos.
Like, I was having such a great two weeks and now it's like, 'Oh, this one's bad.
'It's only been 20 minutes and it's bad.'
And now I'm having frustrations with my laptop, my MacBook.
I don't know if anybody else has this problem,
iTunes won't stop popping up every two seconds, I'm not even joking.
I shut it off and it comes back on. I shut it off and it comes back on.
I pause the songs to at least make that stop and it just keeps skipping songs
and it shows me the little pop-ups and I'm like, 'Why won't it stop?'
It's keeping me from doing everything else that I need to do
and it might sound like first-world problems or whatever.
It might sound extremely trivial, but it's like,
I can't do anything because it won't stop and, like, I have this migraine now.
Like, it was very dull but then two things to frustrate me at once
is like my entire head now feels swollen and it hurts
and I just started crying a little bit but, now I'm up here, I'm trying to calm down.
I'm just going to continue to breathe, control my anger and then go back downstairs
and try to do what it is that I need to do and not throw a really expensive laptop at the wall.
Hey.
So, I didn't film anything yesterday 'cause it was...
Yesterday was so bad mentally and physically.
If you hear anything, it's pouring rain right now.
I had such a bad chronic pain day.
My back hurt so bad.
Like, my entire spine was just in pain and it hurt to move, and that...
It just also wasn't a good, like, head day either and, that combined, it was just a mess.
I wanted to cry.
I almost came on the camera crying but, I don't know, I wasn't in the mood...
It's hard to do this, right?
Like, I'm here, hey, I want to film my mental health for, like, a week, two weeks,
but then, when it gets to actually doing, like, that specific thing,
like, I don't want to actually do that, I just want to talk about it instead.
And just other things, work-related, life-related,
was just...it kept having me down, so I just spent yesterday resting.
I did a little writing work which was nice.
I got that finished and I felt good.
I feel a little bit better in my head, I feel a little bit more clear,
and now I'm excited right now because I'm going...
I'm driving up to the North Carolina School for the Deaf in Morganton
and I am the judge of a talent show.
Do I look like a judge? I even got my new blazer.
Here's to hoping it's a good day.
I am stressed out about going...
Every time I go to NCSD, I get freaked out
because, just, I get scared that everybody there secretly hates me,
like, the people who know who I am.
I get scared that they secretly hate me and whatever.
I'm scared that my language skills are, like, gonna suck or whatever
and I'm the judge of a talent show.
So, I'm...now I'm freaking out about that but I'm excited.
So, I'm gonna go over and get there
because it's gonna take a while to drive already, with or without the rain.
With the rain, it's gonna be even worse, so, please, let it be a good day.
This day is good so far, so, OK.
So, again, I'm skipping days this week...
Anyway, so, I left off, what, Wednesday after...?
This is a bad angle.
I left off Wednesday afternoon when I went to the talent show.
It actually went really well, so that made me feel good.
Yesterday, Thursday, Thursday was OK
but you know how, on Tuesday, I had a really bad chronic pain day?
I had it again on Thursday.
And that, along with, like, menstruation stuff was just...
I wasn't feeling and I wasn't really feeling, wanting to do anything
and then just wanted to, like, sleep all day and not do anything.
A video did go out on Thursday
and I was getting really good encouragement, so that was nice.
Today was a better day.
I'm not really, like...
Oh, man, this is...
My depression is acting up but, I don't know, it's been kind of dull, I guess.
I did finally shower.
I was really gross since Wednesday night and I just didn't want to...
I just wasn't feeling like going to clean myself, it was pretty bad, but I did that.
I feel like this stuff isn't exciting
then again, that's not really what mental health is supposed to be, right?
Hi.
So, it's Saturday.
Happy National Coffee Day.
I waited until this moment to film about...for this video today, I did.
Today's actually pretty good.
I thought it was...
When I first woke up, I thought it was gonna start
and be one of those days that I didn't want to get up.
Well, OK, I didn't want to get out of bed for an hour.
I thought it was gonna be one of those days
where, like, yeah, I know that it's filming day, it's my dedicated day to just do this,
but, by the time I got out of bed, I was gonna be, like, 'I don't want to do anything.'
But I put on my make-up and I'm feeling very cute today.
You know, I was gonna go to Starbucks for National Coffee Day
and this is thank you to Paul who bought this for me.
My favourite barista - barista, bareesta?
Whatever, made this, he knows how I like this.
This is a double shot on ice with coconut milk and only two pumps of classic.
So, yeah, now I'm...
I'm feeling good.
I'm feeling hopeful that it will continue to be like this, get some editing done and all of that.
I'm just... I don't know, I'm feeling pretty hyped up today.
This day's getting so much better.
Like, I had to turn the camera on because my coffee was made by my favourite barista
and it was so good and then I went to Target to get a couple of groceries.
I've still got to edit, so I didn't get, like, anything
that requires really long cooking time.
But you know what I found that I've been hoping to have in stores forever?
Annie's Vegan Mac, the cheddar flavour.
Not their weird pumpkin whatever but this.
This is my favourite.
I first got this on Thrive Market and I loved it.
This, to me, is the vegan version of Kraft, you know, that $1 mac-n-cheese.
This is that.
This is perfect and I bought three boxes,
and I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna make this
and I wanted one happy day in this video and I got it.
I'm so excited, I'm sorry.
I just had to share that with you all because I'm so happy.
OK, bye.
Hi. It's Monday.
It's just about 10 o'clock and I'm not flipping anyone off, I promise.
I just got done at the gym, worked out arms, did a little cardio.
I'm glad to see that, even though I've barely gone to the gym in, like, the last year,
my strength is still there.
Yesterday was not too bad.
It wasn't great.
It was just kind of like, eh, OK.
But then I went out to dinner and this has been bothering me ever since.
I went out to dinner with my dad
and this is just when all the eating disorder stuff started coming back
and, I don't know, I just felt like absolute crap
and we went grocery shopping after and I just...I nearly started crying at Walmart.
I'm nearly crying now just talking about it.
And just a lot of body issues started coming back and...
Oh, I thought it would be worth noting that I'm trying out BetterHelp.
This is not sponsored by BetterHelp by any means.
I'm trying out the free trial to see if I like it 'cause it's hard to find...
A lot of people are like, 'Man, therapy is expensive' and it is.
Therapy is very expensive,
especially traditional therapy when you're going to an office, right?
I also had... People have an issue with financials.
I have an issue with financials
but also accessibility because nobody around here is, like, accessible.
OK, now I'll see you later.
Today is not a good day right now, it really isn't,
and I'm not gonna get into details of what happened,
that's not something that you need to know, but I'm not in a good...good mood right now.
I am very angry.
Yeah, one of those episodes are happening right now and I left and I went in my car
'cause, well, I had to go get dinner and I let out a very long, loud scream in the car.
Didn't help anything entirely but it felt good doing that because that's not exactly
something I could do in this apartment without people probably calling the cops on me.
Yeah, I'm just very upset right now.
I'm...
This is a more calm version of me having an angry episode
because I don't want to be screaming and yelling in the camera.
I'm over it and hopefully tonight will go a little bit better.
I just want to, like, stream.
I want to eat and I want to stream. That's it.
So, after that moment yesterday, things didn't get much better.
I tried to stream to get my mind off things
'cause more work to get your mind off things, plus doing things that you enjoy - why not?
But things weren't working.
[chuckles]
Stream Labs wasn't working.
It just kept making everything lag, no matter what I did to try to fix it,
it just wasn't working, and, you know, being a freelancer, someone who is self-employed,
every bit of work that you do is very important
because that gives you the chance, you know, to try to make some income for the day.
And, if you don't do it at all, well, then,
you don't have any chance of income for the day so that's kind of disappointing.
And this month is a bit of a struggle.
Boyfriend tried to cheer me up by watching 'Hawaii Five-O' with me and we got through
an episode before that started not working, so I don't know what the heck is going on
with technology and me right now but...yeah.
I have a migraine again today and I'm trying to get a whole lot of work done.
Today's so busy.
Today's been busy.
This entire month is busy and stressful, so I'm just trying to take it one project at a time.
Last night was a doozy.
Hello.
Checking in.
And I just thought of a new series.
It's my chronic pain series now.
It's, like, 8:30 right now and yesterday was a little bit better.
Well, it was a little bit better.
I've been dealing with this chronic pain for so long right now that that just...
It's put me in bed for so long, migraines and, like, more excessive back pain
that I'm getting more and more stressed out, so I'm going to the chiropractor.
That's pretty much it.
I don't really feel terrible.
I mean, this-wise, I'm feeling terrible, but in here not so bad.
I'm not bouncing off walls but I'm not doing so bad either.
It's just, kind of, I'm there.
Good morning.
It is Thursday.
My brain's not too bad, it's just my chronic pain is so bad and I'm kind of...
I've just been really bummed out by it and I don't know what's going on.
My body is broken and I hate it.
It sucks.
I'm over it and I feel like all I can do now is just sleep.
But, yeah, so far, not horrible in the brain,
it's just everywhere else on my body that's pretty horrible.
Hello.
So, I started therapy today.
My free trial at BetterHelp, again, not sponsored,
it's over in two days and I had my first official session, and it was honestly weird.
Like, I'm used to talking about my story
but I'm never really used to talking about it to somebody who challenges me on it.
Not, like, challenge in a bad way,
I guess it's just...I don't know, therapists doing what they do.
And it was kind of weird and then they were suggesting,
like, well, do this, and I'm like, 'I don't want to.'
In all honesty, though, I'm finding that BetterHelp is not...ngh.
It's the most accessible to me.
I don't just mean financially, I mean, you know,
like, it's text-based or I get the option of text-based.
But I don't know.
I think, honestly, because of everything else that's happening,
I might have to hold off on paying for that and use that money towards
my chronic pain episodes
that's, like, ten times worse than whatever is going on in here right now.
To be honest, I guess, this is my priority
'cause I feel like, if I can't fix what the heck is going on with me physically,
I can't even begin to deal with what it is mentally because I can't move.
As far as outside of that, I did just finish having a little conversation with someone
and feelings were spilled and it was emotional, blah, blah, blah, so I'm kind of...
I'm both relieved but I'm also sad.
I've been crying and now the tears want to come back again
just because I'm mentioning it.
Now, I've been better at opening up about things.
Sometimes, it might take me longer to do so
and, you know, I might be like, 'I really want to talk about this now but I don't,
[laughs]
'and just give me about a week and then I'll mention it at this completely random time.'
Overall, mental health today was kind of crappy just because pain.
It's just me being in a bad mood because I'm so broken.
My body is broken.
It's not been a bad day, it's not been a great day either.
Yeah.
Good morning.
So, it's essentially the last day of this whole thing.
I guess we can end this by saying that, last night, I cried myself to sleep
'cause I was very upset.
I was very sad and depressed about something.
Took a toll on my self-esteem and, you know, just last night wasn't that great.
The weekend as a whole wasn't too bad.
It was just one specific thing that was really putting me down.
What?
Do you have something to say?
So, overall, this whole experience has been an interesting one,
filming for the last two weeks or trying to film for the last two weeks.
Obviously, there were a lot of bad days
but that's just the reality of someone who has some mental illnesses.
It's not, like, to whine on purpose or purposely be annoying or down or whatever it is.
We don't like being down all the time, being depressed all the time.
You know, it sucks.
Now, I just wanted to show, I wanted to try and be as authentic as possible
with that kind of thing.
So, thank you all for watching.
Now, before you leave the video, if you haven't, consider being a pledge on Patreon.
It's a great way to support your favourite creators' content.
From me, you get music playlists,
written pieces you won't see anywhere else
and Pen Pal letters if you pledge high enough.
And I will see you later. Bye.
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