-So I was scrolling
through Reddit earlier today
and I saw this really interesting post
about migrating tree frogs and -- [sniffing]
I'm sorry. Uh, I could be wrong here,
but I think I smell some smoke,
and that can only mean one thing. It's time for
"Ya Burnt!"
[ Cheers and applause ] [ Suspenseful theme plays ]
♪♪
[ Chords striking ]
Welcome to the burn zone.
We got a lot of topics to sizzle through and not a lot of time.
Over here is the burner. Let's turn on the gas and load her up!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Daddy hungry.
[ Laughter ]
First up, the Knicks.
How is it possible that you play above Penn Station
and still stink worse than anything in the building?
[ Laughter ] -Oo-ooh!
-You just traded your best player
and went on an 18-game losing streak.
You have a worse record than that team
that plays the Harlem Globetrotters,
side burn: Washington Generals.
-Side burn.
-It's gettin' so bad that celebrities don't even wanna
come to your games any more.
Soon, the only people left sitting courtside
will be a Times Square Elmo and the Naked Cowboy.
[ Laughter ] The Knicks, hit the bench.
Ya burnt!
Tofu. Are you a vegetarian
who totally misses the taste of meat?
Well, tough [bleep] 'cause here's tofu.
Tofu's not the same thing as meat.
Eating tofu is like telling your kids, "Hey,
I know you had your heart set on Disney World,
but, instead, we're having tofu."
Tofu, you're so soft, it's impossible to know
if I've even chewed you.
Are you food, or just part of my mouth?
[ Laughter ] Hey, tofu, t-o-F-U, ya burnt!
Valentine's cards.
Nothing says "I love you"
like stopping at the Rite Aid on the way home from work.
[ Laughter ] Just so you know,
when she says you shouldn't have, she means it.
[ Laughter ] Mail hasn't been
this disappointing since Grandma decided
to stop slipping a $20 into my birthday card.
-That was my weed money.
[ Laughter ]
-Valentine's Day cards, roses are red, violets are fine.
Next year, just give me the $3.99."
Ya burnt!
[ Laughter and applause ] Man caves!
Finally, a safe space for the most oppressed members
of society: middle-aged men. [ Laughter ]
I don't think you need to worry about keeping women out.
I think the Pac-Man machine is doing the job just fine.
[ Laughter ] And stop saying "man cave"
like it's a cool thing.
You're not a superhero goin' to your hidden lair.
You're an overweight schlub goin' to a fart box.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Also, you can dress up your man cave
with as much sports memorabilia as you want.
We both know it's where you go to watch porn.
[ Laughter ] Man caves, get back in your hole.
Ya burnt.
Crudité, which we all know is the French curse word
for when the party doesn't have chips.
[ Laughter ] [French accent] No Ruffles.
Crudité.
By the way, stop trying to make yourself sound more exciting
by giving yourself a French name.
You are a veggie platter.
You don't hear me callin' my penis le petit serpent.
-aka the little snake.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And, crudité, nice try,
bringin' raw cauliflower to the party,
but it's been touched less than the guy
who got his wife a Rite Aid Valentine's card.
Double burn, Valentine's Day card.
-Double burn.
-Crudités, you dipsticks, ya burnt!
People who are obsessed with serial killers,
get a real hobby.
If you're obsessed with creepy guys
and their unsuspecting victims,
why not just watch "The Bachelor"?
[ Laughter ] -Oo-ooh!
-And, by the way, Judy from Accounting,
nobody wants to hear that you think Ted Bundy was hot.
-Judy thinks he has
kind eyes. [ Laughter ]
-People who are obsessed with serial killers,
take the lotion out of the basket
and put it on your skin because ya burnt.
[ Laughter ] Family-style dining,
could we not? I don't want a bunch
[laughing] of other people deciding what I have to eat.
This isn't a Japanese game show.
[ Laughter ] I've never ordered my own meal
and thought, "You know what this spaghetti is missing?
Residue from a fork that was just
inside of someone else's gross mouth."
[ Laughter ] -Can someone please pass
the flu?
[ Laughter ] -Also, why is there
so much food on the plate?
What family are you trying to serve, the Klumps?
[ Laughter ] -Eddie Murphy should've won
an Oscar. -Yeah!
Family-style dining, when you're here, ya burnt!
Up next, nonprofits! [ Buzzer ]
Oh! That buzzer means we've run out of time.
Looks like we'll have to burn you do-gooders later.
This has been "Ya Burnt!"
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