[ Rhythmic clapping ]
♪ Dun, dun-dun-dun, Comey Day ♪
♪ Comey Day, Comey Day ♪
[ Both imitating heavy-metal music ]
Y'all ready?!
Get your homies for Comey Day. Ahh!
Just sold out in like two minutes, baby.
[ Chanting ] Comey Day! Comey Day!
Full house. You know what I mean?
♪♪
Before anyone asks a question, listen.
James Comey... ♪ My Comey ♪
...wanted to make everyone claro
that Trump's reasons for firing him were lies!
[ Speaks Spanish ]
Although the law required no reason at all
to fire an FBI director, the administration then chose
to defame me and, more importantly, the FBI
by saying that the organization was in disarray,
that it was poorly led,
that the workforce had lost confidence in its leader.
Those were lies, plain and simple.
-Ooh! Ooh! Damn. -Ooh! Ooh.
Is this James Comey or Mary J. Blige? Listen.
♪ I'm not gon' cry 'cause you think... ♪
"Put some respect on my damn name. You know what I'm sayin'?"
'Cause remember? They were doing the whole thing.
The FBI's, like, a failing organization, blah-blah.
"It's failing. It's a mess.
James Comey's not the homey. He's wack."
"You're gonna respect us. We're an honorable organization.
We're as organized as we were
when we sent the letter to MLK telling him to kill himself."
That's right.
Oh, I'm sorry. Y'all forgot about that?
Yeah, I'm bringing it up. Yeah. Yeah.
No, the FBI once sent a letter to MLK
saying you are done and you should kill yourself.
Ooh! Damn. Who sent it?
You can say that on Twitter.
You be like, "Kill yourself," on Twitter.
But if a federal organization sends you a letter...
Also, it was back in the day when you had to type a letter,
so they to do -- someone had to type the shit.
That takes effort. [ Imitates platen knob turning ]
-Anyway, back to Comey. -[ Laughs ]
Yo, your man James Comey came up with a new catchphrase
that millennials are saying left and right all over the nation.
"Lordy, I hope there are tapes. Oh, Lordy."
[ Laughter ]
He says that at the end of his jokes.
-Oh, Lordy. -Lordy, I hope there were tapes.
But why didn't you stop and say, "Mr. President, this is wrong.
I cannot discuss this with you"?
That's a great question.
Maybe if I were stronger, I would have.
I thought he was gonna say something...up like,
"Maybe if I were a bitch like you."
I thought he was into some foul shit.
He was winding up like he was about to say some...up shit.
He's not from the Bronx. Why would he do that?
Be like, "Maybe if I was an ugly bitch like you."
-It's like, "Yo. Excuse me?" -Whoa, James Comey.
Look. I've seen the tweet about tapes.
Lordy, I hope there are tapes.
[ Laughter ]
Lordy. He went to the Lordy.
That's how you know he's a stand-up, herb-type dude.
Yeah. He's from Mayberry. Lordy.
That is -- "Lordy" is James Comey's "motherfucker."
You know what I'm sayin'? Hell yeah.
He pulled that one out. He was sweating after that.
Afterwards, he came up to her and was like,
"I want to apologize for my salty language earlier."
He called his mom. "Mom, if you were watching, I apologize."
"I'm washing my mouth out with soap right now."
I've seen the tweet about tapes. Lordy, I hope there are tapes.
That's what he says when he stubs his toe.
He's like, "Ah, Lordy!"
Donald Trump has yet to tweet, I don't think.
-But -- -I got --
Listen to this conspiracy theory.
-Because it's not. It's true. -Connect the dots.
Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr.
-Father, son. -That's not a conspiracy.
He's tweeting from Donald Trump Jr.'s account!
It's not that deep. Like, I thought you were
gonna come with some "Manchurian Candidate" shit.
He came through like, "Let me get your password."
"Let me get your password."
"So if he was a stronger guy,
he might have actually followed procedure and the law?
You were the director of the FBI. Who are you kidding?
LOL! Laughing emoji."
This has to be his son because he's using emojis,
and Donald Trump doesn't know how to use emojis.
Which son is this? This is the one that looks like he eats rats?
No, this is not the sniveling Nazi.
This is the other one, the one that's, like, extra-tan.
Look at him. He's like, "Yes."
-He's like, "Yo..." -He's like, "Yo..."
He's like, "Yeah!"
Someone's getting kicked off "The Bachelor."
Yeah! He looks like he just said, "Nice tits!"
[ Laughter ]
He's, like, the classiest patron in a New Jersey strip club.
He's like, "Hey, can I put my beer bottle in there?
Ha-ha-ha-ha! I'll give you 10 bucks!"
"Happy birthday, Cynthia, you...bitch."
You're like, "Whoa."
Whoa. My man. Why? Why you acting like this?"
And they're like, "Yo, he's nice.
That's Donny. He's a little rough, but he means well."
Yeah, he's just a -- You know, he's a quirky guy."
Trump sent the daughter of America's unfunniest comedian,
Sarah Huckabee Sanders... His third-string liar.
...to deliver the response
to Comey's testimony but off camera.
Nah, the president's a liar.
Yeah, he's lying, dawg. Come on.
If you have to do a press conference to have someone say
you're not a liar, you're a liar. You're a...liar, dawg. Come on.
Also, shout-out to James Comey definitely referencing
Trump saying, "I don't have anything to do with hookers in Russia."
When he had sex with hookers in Russia, he used a condom,
and he made sure not to give them his real name.
Phew.
If you don't have anything to do with hookers in Russia,
you don't have to bring it up, my guy.
You don't gotta bring that up. That's like me saying that.
If I said that, you'd be like, "What the...?"
Like, I don't casually enter conversations like,
"Yo, I'm not illegally running guns in Israel,"
'cause I'm not illegally running guns in Israel.
However, if I was, I might wanna jump in front of that.
Ipso facto, the Russia hooker thing.
But you know what? The pee tape is out there, bro.
How many more episodes until you think we're actually gonna --
The pee tape's gonna be great 'cause we're gonna dub over it
like the animal videos and shit.
It's gonna be lit. It's gonna be so lit.
I hope it's in 4K, like, and there's angles and shit.
You're gonna be making gargling noises. [ Gargling ]
"Yeah, I love it. I love it."
I hope Legal's ready for that.
They're gonna be working extra.
"Oh, it's going in my sinus."
If he was innocent, wouldn't he be like, "I'm a married man.
Why would I cheat on my wife?
I love my wife. Why would I...a Russian hooker?"
No, he was like, "Yo,
if I did have sex with a hooker in Russia,
I made sure I wasn't filmed.
So that is that."
Before, it was like --
I thought it might be, like, a grainy video of him out of focus.
I feel like now it's a 4K tracking video.
They got the fish-eye lens and shit.
That was multi -- There was three cameras in there, minimum.
-Got POV shit. -Come on.
He's just down there like, "Yas! Yes, my mouth is open."
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Hey! De lo mío personal.
Former Mexican President Vicente Fox
got a message for Trumpito.
This guy always talks spicy about Trump.
He is one of the few people who I think if he was in a room
with Trump, he would beat the shit out of Trump.
He would beat the brakes off his ass.
You just see him, like, rolling up his arms like...
Take the wild swig of, like, a tequila, just rush him.
Hit him like that guy hit XXXTentacion.
Mexico will not pay for the fucken wall!
Yeah! Yo!
He spelled "fucken" like all my cousins do on WhatsApp.
[ Laughter ]
Yo!
Yo.
Yo. Also, he was cheap.
He was like, "Nah, I'm not using two pieces of paper on this shit.
I'm-a spin it around."
Flip it. [ Laughs ]
-Resourceful. -Yo.
♪♪
Damn.
Damn!
Ohh!
-Wow! -Ooh!
Nonstop!
God damn! Pow!
[ Air horns blaring ]
-Oh, damn! -Damn!
Whoo!
Ahh!
And they do the Russian!
Ohh!
How is Vicente Fox the Mariah Carey of Mexico?
-Yo! -Damn!
My son threw the Russian outro. Damn.
He flamed you, Donald. You got to respond.
-Yo. You have 24 hours. Yo. -You look like buns.
That's how Nicki felt after Remy dropped that "shETHER" shit.
Fam, you looking like Meek Mill right now, B.
You better hit the studio ASAP.
-Mm-hmm. Back-to-back. Ooh. -Ooh.
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Whoa!
[ Laughter ]
Yeah!
Shout-out to the sultry sounds of bees...
Yeah. What does it sound like?
Bees in the trap.
Is it gonna sound like the...?
Yeah. Yeah.
I guess you can say he's b-e-e-ezing up that pussy.
Ahh!
-Yo. -Yo.
Next-door neighbor like, "Yo, keep it down! Yo!
Come on. I gotta go to work in the morning!"
"You're gonna wake up the whole hive!"
Look at her. She's like, "Yeah."
She's like, "I'm calling out of work tomorrow."
"Oh, my G-o-o-od. Oh, my G-o-o-od.
Yeah. Right there, right there.
Yas, don't stop. Yas, don't stop.
Oh, my God."
She's like, "Aah!"
Yo!
-Ohh! -Yo.
Yo, I feel you, my G. I feel you.
He hit the --
Aah!
"Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
"Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Ahh."
She's like, "Ahh-ahh-ahh."
Ahh-ahh. Ahh. Ahh."
Listen. She's, like, banging. She's like, "Damn, nigga! Aah!"
"Yes, daddy!"
"You hit my B-spot."
Yo! Damn. Nigga tore that thorax up.
-Oh, man. Whoo! -Yo.
And then he just flew away.
He don't even need an Uber, nigga, 'cause he can fly.
He wiped his dick and was like, "I got to go make Honey Nut Cheerios."
"I'm outta here. Peace."
Hit shorty with the sweet nectar like, "Yo, I'm off this."
Ooh!
She's like, "Oh, right there, right there, right there."
Ahh! He's like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
Yeah. Unh! Ahh! And he's like, "Yerp!"
♪♪
You know what I'm sayin'? Illustrious guests every time.
This time, we got my man Ron Funches,
who is a comedian and been bodying shit all over the place.
You've seen him everywhere,
but he's currently on his Funch-A-Mania tour.
You know what I'm sayin'?
I couldn't say nothing. I was putting on lip gloss.
But come to the table.
♪♪
You were born in L.A.?
No, actually, I was born -- Yeah, I was. I forgot.
Thank you. That's true.
Yeah, no, I was born in L.A.,
only lived there for like four years.
And then I was raised in Chicago, mostly.
And then when I was a teenager, I moved to Salem, Oregon,
which was a big difference.
A little bit different.
What's the difference between Chicago and Salem, Oregon?
Isn't Oregon like 9,000% white?
Yeah, that's most of the difference.
Yeah. That's a lot of it. I learned a lot of things.
I learned about iced coffees and white women
and the joys of both.
[ Laughter ]
Yo, before you blew up doing comedy --
I feel like you've blown.
Okay, okay, okay.
I believe in you. I believe in you.
I've seen you on TV in several different formats.
I'm like, "Yo, this dude's out here."
Before you were doing that, you were working at Liberty Tax?
Were you doing taxes or were you outside spinning the sign and shit?
I mean, I wasn't spinning it. I was grooving with it.
I was dancing with it.
Some would say I was making love to it,
depending on you who ask.
Wait. Were you the Lady Liberty?
-Mm-hmm. -Wow!
For those of y'all that don't know, Liberty Tax Service --
Is that, like, a nationwide thing?
I think it is.
They got the guy spinning the sign.
But then they also have someone dressed as the Statue of Liberty.
It's like a large -- It's everywhere,
but it's, like, not professional.
I wouldn't trust them to do my taxes.
Why wouldn't you trust a place that has a person
dressed as the Statue of Liberty in front, dancing
with your Social Security number
and all the money you made last year?
-Ah. You're an NBA fan. -Mm-hmm.
But you're not so much a fan of LeBron?
I'm not messing with LeBron mostly because
we were writing a show together,
and then NBC passed on it, and he never came to write.
I feel like if he was there,
we would have got it picked up.
Definitely. 'Cause listen. There's a difference between --
They're like, "Ron's here to tell you about his show."
Versus, "Ron and LeBron are here."
Yeah, yeah. We could've played a couple pickup games.
And then I could just go see my friends, and I'm like,
"Oh, we gonna play two-on-two. My friend's coming."
-And then it's LeBron. -Bro!
Did you have his phone number and stuff?
-No. -No?
it was a very one-way conversation.
He could get ahold of me.
Did he ever hit you up like,
"Yo, Ron, what's good? Yo, what's poppin'?"
No. [ Laughs ]
I mostly talked to Maverick Carter. He's nice.
So, did you watch the game yesterday and at the end, you were like, "Yeah"?
A little bit.
[ Laughter ]
Yo! Ron...
I'm watching it. I have no interest --
Either way, whoever wins, they're not the Knicks. I don't really care.
But you were watching it like, "Yeah!"
Yeah, same thing. I'm always a Chicago Bulls fan,
but, yeah, at the end of it, I was like,
"I guess I know who I'm rooting against."
I just found myself just rooting for the Warriors.
You hold the record on "@Midnight."
Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. I think actually
Doug Benson has one more than me right now.
But, but you got to look at percentages.
He's on there like 50 times.
-Oh, he's a volume... -Yeah, yeah. Exactly.
He's jacking it up like Kobe on that last game.
And I'm just like -- I'm efficient like Kevin Durant.
Fuck you, LeBron.
[ Laughter ]
LeBron's in his driveway like, "Mm-hmm."
[ Laughter ]
What's your day-to-day weed intake like?
It depends on home or away.
Here, I have to rely a lot more on the kindness of strangers
and just flour and bake pans.
But at my home, it's just usually --
I try to be very responsible. I've got my son with me.
I get him to school at like 6:00 a.m.,
and then it's like two dabs in me by 7:00, 7:30.
And then I get to the gym,
and then it's back to dabs, then it's lunch.
Then it's more dabs. Then my son's home.
Then I act like I didn't do all these dabs.
That's the best part.
The best part about being smacked with your kids
is they have no idea that you're smacked.
And they're just like, "Yo, he's mad-cool."
He's like, "He wants to go
get candy and brownies, too, right now!"
"Daddy's eyes are red! We're going to the mall!"
"We're watching several movies today!"
You feel dabbing is the most efficient way?
I do feel like that. I get you're saying.
And I got a lot of white friends
that smoke a lot of blunts all day.
We just started dabbing. We just started dabbing.
To me, it's, like, complicated
'cause you got to get the torch and the thing and heat it up.
Here's why I like that. Here's why I like that.
Everybody's smoking weed. Grandma's smoking weed.
Dabbing brings some of that danger back to it.
'Cause you pull that blowtorch out...
Yeah, you get a new girl over and you pull that blowtorch out,
she got questions.
[ Laughter ]
Somebody ever look at you like, "Yo, what the...?"
Yeah.
"Bro, no, that look like you smoking -- Is this weed?"
If she don't know you about to do a dab
and you just come out with the blowtorch,
She's like, "Yo, yo, yo. Chill, chill, chill. Where you going?"
"You about to make a crème brûlée? What are you doing?!"
"I wish I was making a crème brûlée."
You met your girlfriend on Tinder?
-I did. -Wow.
What dating advice for online dating can you give us?
I'll give you general advice for all of the time.
What's your strategy? Would you just swipe on all of them?
A little bit. [ Laughs ]
But, in general, I mean, I just go out on one date
with just about anybody as long as they don't look crazy.
So you shouldn't just hop in their DMs like, "Yo, let me see your butthole, ma"?
Nah. That doesn't work for me.
I feel like you gotta have six-pack abs
and, like, you know, you gotta really come strong.
For me, it's like, I'm charming, I'll treat you nice.
And then, like, uh-oh, secretly you didn't know about this dick.
[ Laughter ]
Yo! Yo.
Yo, what can we expect on the Funch-A-Mania tour?
[ Laughs ] There's dick!
[ Laughter ]
It's just me telling some jokes with my friends.
It's a great show. It's me doing an hour of new material.
I had an album come out a year, year and a half ago.
What's the name of the album?
The name of the album? Oh, I forgot.
-[ Laughs ] -It's them dabs, brother!
"The Funches Of Us" was the name of the album.
And then now I have this whole new hour of material.
Hopefully by the end of the summer,
we'll shoot a special for somebody.
Where else can we see you? What else you working on?
On tour. Your R&B album coming out?
Some wild Leonardo DiCaprio movie and shit?
I'm working on "Trolls 2."
I was the voice in the "Trolls" movie
with Justin Timberlake and them.
Yo, what are those checks like, B?
We're trying to get into some voice work.
The checks are not that great,
but they are consistent and they are easy.
It's not that hard to be like,
"I just did four or five episodes in like two hours."
You're getting paid per ep, so...
I don't have kids, so I'm not familiar with "Trolls."
Don't break my heart. Is your troll black?
No, my troll is a giraffe,
so he's like, you know, kind of black.
[ Laughter ]
You don't gotta do hip-hop, though.
No, it's not a hip-hop giraffe.
-He's not rapping and shit? -No, no.
-We -- No. -You made sure.
He's like, "I'm not wearing Timbs the whole movie, no."
Giraffe just comes in like, "Yo, my nigga."
-Like, "No." -"Fam, fam, come on."
Giraffes don't use the N-word.
♪♪
Ron, what do you want your rainbow to say?
"Be positive, love life, get your money."
That's right. And that dick.
And his dick!
Ron Funches.
♪♪
-Yeah, ballbags. -Shout-outs.
Shout-outs. Hyah.
Yo, shout-out to going to the liquor store drunk AF.
The rampage, the peacock destruction.
This cock ran around the store for 90 minutes
and destroyed $500 worth of champagne and wine bottles.
-Wow! -Peacock was apprehended.
Is that a cop?
That's a peacock.
Oh, shit.
And he's gone off that yac.
Oh, shit!
This female peacock is about to turn up.
Had too much merlot, a little rosé with her girls.
"Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!
Yo, I do not need help. I do not need help.
Excuse me. No.
Where's the Barefoot wine? Where's the Barefoot?
That's all I need to know.
Sir? Please. Sir? Excuse me. No."
"If I was drunk, I would let you know I'm drunk!
I'm not drunk. I had two drinks!
They said it's a bottomless mimosa.
I'm not ready to leave brunch yet!"
Yo, shout-out to carpooling in Russia,
which sounds wild-dangerous.
And this is from LiveLeak, so I already know what time it is.
Basically anything --
You can put "in Russia" behind any verb,
and the shit becomes dangerous.
Like, just take any word. Like babysitting.
Now babysitting in Russia.
Now it's like the baby's got grenades and is a bear.
Yeah. Same thing with Florida.
See? Look. See? I knew there was a bear involved.
Yo. Come on. Yo.
Russia's not a real place, man. Stop it.
Come on. That bear just left Putin's crib.
This is why they...up our election.
'Cause they're like, "Yo, if our shit is so wild,
y'all shit has to be wild, too."
"Y'all ain't just gonna have us out there like this."
This is a regular day in Russia.
There's a...bear in the Uber pool.
Yeah. That bear just left Putin's crib in that Uber.
The bear's like, "Rah, don't talk to me. I don't know you.
I'm getting out first 'cause my stop is closer.
"Yo...y'all.
You got an aux cord?" Yo, give me the aux."
He's definitely bogarted the aux, playing bear music.
Yo, shout-out to Charles Barkley,
The Young Human Werther's, a.k.a. Mr. Baked Potato Head.
You know, I do this little science experiment, Graham,
when I speak at schools.
You aren't doing no science experiment.
This nigga making a volcano with baking soda.
Stop it, Charles Barkley!
Like, let's say I'm at a white school.
I say, "How many of you kids want to play pro sports?"
Less than 10% raise their hand.
I say, "What do you want to do?"
"I want to be a doctor."
"I want to be a lawyer." "I want to be an engineer."
But when I go speak at predominantly black schools,
90% of the kids want to play sports. 90%.
There's a couple like, "I want to be a doctor,"
which makes me really proud.
But 90% of kids when I speak at black schools --
Our kids are brainwashed
to think they can only play sports or be entertainers.
Yo, Charles Barkley's a clown
because he was such a failure as a basketball player
that he doesn't anybody else to succeed at basketball
that he's just like, "No, don't play basketball."
"No, don't. Barkley did that
so hopefully you don't have to go through that."
"No. Look at me. No rings. No rings.
I'm fat as... I'm dumb.
Please. Don't go down my path."
He looks like a corn nut, nigga. Look at him.
Yo, fam! Yo!
Do you think if Charles Barkley had gotten a ring,
he would be a happier person?
He would. You know how they give honorary diplomas?
Can David Stern give him, like, an honorary ring?
Please, bro? And get him outta here forever.
Him and Ernie Johnson. Ernie Johnson's mad-corny.
Shout-out to that wild Ernie Johnson slander.
♪♪
Who is definitely in heaven?
Who can we say without a fact?
No. Martin Luther King. No.
Martin Luther King was getting his dick sucked
left and right by white chicks. Like, nah.
No, 'cause Mother Teresa --
Because she discriminated
against the use of condoms in Africa.
She was responsible for the large spread of HIV in Africa.
God damn.
He's like, "Yo...that." He's like, "Yo, that bitch was trash!
I keep these facts on deck.
Y'all niggas don't know. Open your third eye."
Who else? Tupac? No, Tupac's not dead.
Jackie Rob-- Yeah, yeah. Jackie Robinson.
'Cause you know what? They were spitting on him and calling him "nigger."
-Is that enough, though? -It goes back the other way.
'Cause I feel like --
Harriet Tubman?
-Harriet Tubman! -Yeah.
Yo, imagine -- But think about it.
He said -- [ Laughs ]
No. Harriet Tubman got to heaven and was like,
"Look at all these fuckin' white people.
...this shit."
She hopped off the cloud like, "Anything is possible!"
♪♪
Desus: "He was spending Russian money.
He be letting Russian bitches pee in his mouth.
Their urine smell like Georgie. It's disgusting.
He be at Trump Towers with his mouth like, "Aah."
My name is Yacenia Comey,
and I just wanted to make everyone claro."
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