[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Happy Thanksgiving, you ballbags.
Hey, you pieces of shit. We're not in the studio.
We pre-taped this because we have families and lives,
and you're sitting at home watching this.
So we're gonna bring you something cool.
It's a special. An awards show.
Woman: Welcome to the first annual Ball Baggys.
[ Fanfare plays ]
Hopefully, you're having a happy Thanksgiving.
You're sitting around surrounded by friends,
family, family you don't really fuck with.
You brought the burner just in case they act up,
in case you have to go outside and shoot the fair
with your cousin. You know what it is.
But this is our first annual "Desus & Mero" award show --
The Ball Baggys. Ahh! Give it up.
Join us on this special journey
as we show love to all the people, animals, and moments
we're thankful for from this year.
And the first Ball Baggy is for West Indian of the Year.
-Wheel up! -Wheel up! Wah gwan?
The nominees are...
West Indian of the Year.
Blindfold Racers.
-Ah. -Oh, shit.
Wheel up! Bong!
-Ohh! -Ohh! Whoa!
-Hey. Hey. -Hey, boss.
You hit the wall, boss.
Yo.
I No...Baby. Hey!
-Hi, everybody. -Hi.
I want put everybody claro.
Don't talk me -- "You look like baby."
No, my nigga, I am no...baby!
-Strong winner. -Powerhouse performance.
I don't see anyone beating him.
Macka B.
Welcome to Macka B's Medical Monday.
Today, it's all about this -- cucumber...
No. He can't win.
...or as they call it in Jamaica, "coocoomba."
-No! It's cucumber. -Coocoomba.
De Lo Mío Personal Barber.
-Hey! -No, don't encourage this.
He's just trying to get a shape-up.
Don't have to feel your dick on my ear.
[ Laughs ] Yo!
Is he in a sarong? What is...?
♪♪
Dlat-dlat-dlat-dlat.
Shout-out to them not having me
nominated for West Indian of the Year.
That's cool, though. That's a'ight.
[ Laughs ]
I mean, I don't do nothing but rep Jamaica every night on this,
but, yeah, that's cool.
But anyway, the Ball Baggy for West Indian of the Year...
-Hey. -Let's see who it is.
-The ballbag. -Uh-oh.
Who's the winner? Who is the winner?
Winner of Best --
Ball Bag for West Indian of the Year is "I No Fuckin' Baby."
Make everyone claro. Give it up for my man Jonathan!
Jonathan!
I No Fucking Baby.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Hi, everybody. Hi. How you doing?
Why does this music make it sound like he died of cancer?
Yo.
Is this the "In Memoriam" segment?
Bro.
This night -- This night, I want put everybody claro.
Because everybody is confundido.
Got a tear in my eyes.
-My nigga, I'm not a baby. -Let them know.
-I am a man, nigga. -Yeah.
Look at my...nigga.
This part is like at the end of "Private Ryan"
when they're like, "Tell me I'm good. Tell me I'm good.
Tell me I'm not no fucking baby."
Tell me I am man." "You...man."
And you know what you get?
Plantains. Plantains!
-Hey. Plátano. -Plantains.
How many, how many? Hey, hey, hey, hey.
-Plátano. Hey. Plátano. -Do a little Dominican dance.
-Plátano. Hey. Plátano. -Hey, hey, hey!
-Hey, hey, hey, hey. Plátano. Plátano.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey. -Ahhh!
[ Record needle scratches ] Let's go!
De lo mío. Llegamos. Coño.
-I'm-a eat these later. -Yeah, I know you are.
That's why I'm saving these for later.
[ Laughter ]
Ah.
This nigga really bit a plantain.
Won't eat fish filet, a Filet-O-Fish.
I feel like my skin is actually plátano skin.
You got some under your foot, bro.
I don't how we're gonna follow that,
but the next Ball Baggy
is for Asshole Celebrity of the Year.
And here are the nominees.
Ooh, are we in this?
-No, not yet. Next year. -Not yet. Next year. Next year.
Asshole Celebrity of the Year.
Jerry Seinfeld Curves Kesha.
Because it's hard to just sleep when you're tired,
because people are tired most of the time.
I'm Kesha! I love you so much!
-Oh, thanks. -Can I give you a hug?
-No, thanks. -Please?
-No, thanks. -A little one.
-Yeah, no, thanks. -Ohh!
Desus: Wow!
Mero: [ Laughs ]
-Yo! -Still fun to watch.
-"Yeah, no thanks." -Still fun to watch.
He was like, "I'm rich. Don't touch me."
Mexican Soap Star Gets Spicy on the Red Carpet.
-Mero's uncle. -Oh, shit.
[ Conversing in Spanish ]
Desus: "Ass."
-[ Shouting in Spanish ] -Ah! Wow!
Damn, Ric Flair's out here wildin'.
-He's wildin'. Woo! -Woo!
"Pow! Hold that. ...outta here.
You know how I am? I was in 30 novelas, nigga."
Bill Maher Casually Drops the "N" Word.
Maher: ...in Nebraska. You're welcome.
We'd love to have you work in the fields with us.
Work in the fields?
That's part of the --
Senator. I'm a house nigger.
Desus: Whoo!
Okay, we made a Ric Flair joke, but he's the real wild boy.
Oh, oh, also shout-out to the, uh, Emmys
for giving him an Emmy nomination, not us.
-That's cool. -You know?
I mean, Thanksgiving is a time
to bring up beef from previously in the year,
so we're bringing up that.
Maybe you bring up the money your aunt owes you.
Across the table. She right there, dawg. Make it spicy.
Jim Carrey Loses His Shit on the Red Carpet.
Jim Carrey. Yes.
I wanted to find the most meaningless thing
that I could come to and join and, uh, and, uh...
And here I am.
To inspire others? Artistry?
-You're one of them. -♪ On the good foot! Hah ♪
Shout-out to Jim Carrey acting the way
you're gonna act when you go, you know,
go outside with your cousins to "talk."
You come back with the mad red eyes.
Mero: Yeah, boy. "Yeah, we went outside.
"Y'all all right? Nah, that's my allergies."
"Yo, we good. There's mad pollen in the air."
Yeah.
♪ Shut 'er down now ♪
[ Laughter ]
-Listen. -Oh, celebrity a--
No better assholes than celebrity assholes.
-Oh, they're the best. -They're the best assholes.
Maybe you don't smoke DMT before you go
to a red-carpet event, my guy.
Maybe that.
So the Ball Baggy for Asshole Celebrity of the Year is...
Let's see who it is. Here you go.
Asshole Celebrity of the Year.
It goes to...
Whew.
Oh, they actually closed this envelope. God damn.
High production values.
♪♪
And the Ball Baggy for Asshole Celebrity of the Year goes to...
Jerry Seinfeld!
[ Imitating "Seinfeld" theme ]
Yo!
Jerry Seinfeld Curves Kesha.
Like, any time you want to charge up your phone, you just plug it in.
Desus: Also, shout-out to Jerry Seinfeld.
He's made a career just complaining about
normal, everyday shit.
Your man is on the red carpet complaining about phone chargers.
You're worth like $6 billion, dawg.
Because it's hard to just sleep when you're tired,
because people are tired most of the time.
I'm Kesha! I love you so much!
-Oh, thanks. -Can I give you a hug?
-No, thanks. -He has no idea who she is.
Mero: He's like, "Yeah, I don't know who you are."
Desus: He's like, "Oh, my God.
Can you believe Tomi Lahren tried to hug me?"
"Who is this?"
Man: That was a nice moment.
I don't know who that was.
[ Laughter ]
-He's like, "No." -Damn.
-Oh, thanks. -Can I give you a hug?
-Bro, this was a... -No, thanks.
This was a major-league level curve right there.
-That's a super curve. -Oh, my God.
He said "I don't know who that was" the same way he would say
that if he saw a $10 bill. Like, "What is this?
What, am I broke now?
"Is this a -- Is this paper money?
Why would you only need $10? What's the deal with that?
What's the deal -- What costs $10?"
And, you know, what's the deal with Uber?"
Listen, and since you're a celebrity asshole,
we bought you something to take care of your asshole.
A little Preparation H. You know what I'm sayin'?
Next time you want to curve somebody,
rub this shit on your butt and curve 'em.
It makes the burn sting a little less.
-You know what I'm sayin'? -Ahh.
The next Ball Baggy is for Athletic Moment of the Year.
We had a lot of great moments this year involving balls.
Not all of them had anything to do with sports.
Listen. We picked every sport equally, every team equally.
-There's no favoritism. -There's no bias, no homerism.
-No homers. Okay? -No.
Now run these unbiased clips.
Athletic Moment of the Year.
LeBron James Shitting on Donald Trump.
Man: Is there any regret that you got into
a name-calling situation with the President?
No. A name-calling? What did I say?
Let me hear you say it.
You called him a bum.
That's not a name-call. It's, uh -- "U bum."
[ Laughter ]
Mero: LeBron -- very succinct and concise with his assertion.
Carmelo Anthony Hits the Bodega in a Bathrobe.
Desus: Aww.
Woman: This is how he's going to the store.
Boss moment. One of the greatest --
One of Melo's greatest moments in his Knicks career.
You must think you're not 6'8".
And you just had to wear the robe
with your name on it, right?
'Cause that was-- That wasn't gonna attract any attention.
I'm coming from my house.
Desus: Damn. Melo's the Susan Lucci of ballbags.
Dayton Basketball Player Sam Miller's
Night in a Holding Cell.
Man: And that holding-cell video
shows Miller and another inmate getting into a fist fight
after Miller slapped the inmate. Wow!
Eventually, that other inmate
sends Miller to the ground with a fight-ending punch.
Officers eventually come in to separate the two.
Police say Miller was intoxicated...
Mero: Well. But he still had a high sports I.Q.
You know what I'm sayin'? He's a scrappy guy.
First one in the gym, last one out.
The Kid Mero Throwing Up Bricks in Venice Beach.
Hey!
This some Harlem Globetrotter shit. You crazy?
-Porzingis who? -Unh.
-Ah! Splow. -Splow.
Shoot, shoot, shoot! Water.
Cash money.
Like that Knick announcer. He's like, "Bang!"
Not on that one.
You got to play the... Harlem Globetrotters.
[ Whistling ]
♪♪
There's no envelope.
[ Buzzer sounds ]
Oh, oh, oh.
Do I even need to predict what the winner is, though?
Desus-damus. Mero-damus. What do you predict?
I predict the most illustrious half of a show
in the history of television -- me.
Damn. You missed, like, all your shots. Oh, wow.
The winner is, without even looking,
The Kid Mero in Venice Beach.
-Yeah! That's right! -Yes.
You know what I'm sayin'? We out here.
Not since that movie where the guy got his arm stuck under the stone
has it been more torturous to watch
someone attempt to repeat something
over and over and over without a satisfying result.
That's right.
Give it up to The Kid Mero in Venice Beach.
A little film we like to call "Le Fail."
You know what I'm sayin'?
The Kid Mero Throwing Up Bricks in Venice Beach.
Mero: Pull up for three!
Three!
Cash! Swish!
Unh! I tried to bank that one, though.
-Desus: For the game! -Oh!
Everyone at Thanksgiving was talking, and they're like,
"Hey, shh! Shh! What's going on on the TV?
Why's he keep missing shots?
What is this?"
Yo. Yo! God damn!
They're like, "Are they replaying Game 7 of the Knicks?
Like, what is this?"
This was a Starks-ian performance right here.
There we go. That's cash.
[ Buzzer sounding ]
Look.
Wow!
-You know what I'm sayin'? -You want to know how --
Why did that shot feel more fulfilling
than every shot I've watched K.P. hit?
You know what I'm sayin'?
1 for 16 shooting. Look at this.
When it's crunch time, I deliver.
That's right. [ Laughs ]
The sad part is, this performance --
he's easily getting a $70-million, 4-year contract
from the Knicks.
So shout-out to The Kid Mero --
Athletic Performance of the Year.
What do you get?
-Ah. -Uh-oh.
It's the vintage ball.
If Mero hits this shot right here, I will give him $1,000.
[ Cash register dings ] Ohh!
You know what I'm sayin'? Swish!
Man: Where's the check?
Guess who's getting a Ball Bag for Liar of the Year.
[ Laughs ]
The next Ball Baggy is for Parent of the Year.
Mero's not in it. Mero's not in it.
I would nominate myself, but I've already won an award.
I'm not trying to run the table. You know what I'm sayin'?
[ Glass shatters ]
So let's see who the nominees are, ladies and gentlemen.
-Parent of the Year. -Hmm.
Hopefully I'm not in this, because I'm not trying to make
it hot with my secret family. Shout-out to Mississauga.
[ Laughs ]
Parent of the Year.
The Mom Who Took Her Family to China.
Hey. "Hey, kids, want to get a little culture diversity?"
"Hey. Let's go to China. Look."
That little girl's like, "How do I touch --
Do I touch you? Like, go like this?"
Just stand there. "Like this?"
The Yacubian Moms of Baby Yoga.
-Wow. -Wow!
This is what I do when I'm mad at my kids.
[ Laughs ] Like, yo. Like, what are you --
Kid's getting limber. Like, "Yo..." Yo. What the --
"You want Disney? I got your Disney World right here.
You got Disney World money?"
Yo, shorty holding her kid like a kettlebell.
Yo, what the...?
Mom Punishes Her Son for Stealing $300.
Woman: Nah! Don't cry!
'Cause you wasn't cryin' when you were stealin' from me!
Mero: He's like, "I just tried to get a PlayStation, Mom!
God damn!"
You wasn't cryin' when you were stealin' from your mama!
Romanian Parents Taking Their Children to Get Baptized.
-Ah, shit. -Oh, boy.
I put my hand upon my hip.
When I dip, you dip, we dip.
-Let's go. Dip the baby in. -God damn.
He's like -- ♪ Barbecue sauce ♪
This nigga thought that baby was a Tostito, nigga.
-He's like, "Yo." -God damn.
Ranch, ranch, ranch. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
The honey barbecue is slammin'.
Winner of Parent of the Year.
The Ball Bag goes to... Who does it go to?
My God. There's so many strong contenders.
[ Drum roll ]
Whew. Strong field.
The Ball Baggy for Parent of the Year goes to...
Romanian Parents Taking Their Kids to Get Baptized!
-What? What? -Oh, shit!
Yo, shout-out to you.
When you want to save your kids and punish 'em at the same time,
just take them to get baptized in a Romanian church.
Take them to Reverend Borat.
Romanian Parents Taking Their Children to Get Baptized.
[ Baby wailing ] He's like, "...this."
He's like, "Man, this mother...got me tight."
It's like he was missing free throws
and then threw the team on his back like,
"All right. I got this." "I got this shit, bro."
K.P.'s not the only...
"Yo, yo, give me the rock. I'm-a dunk this shit."
Bam! Bang! Bang! For three!
For three! Swish!
Listen. Any time you dip a baby, and the person that dips
your baby does this afterwards, like...
Nah, don't take it back to them.
He's like, "Iso Melo! I got this!"
Oh, shit!
"I'm open! I'm open! Give me the rock! Yeah!"
He's like, "Yo, watch this, watch this, watch this."
-Bong! Bong! Bong! -Unh! Oh!
"Ah, here's your baby. Take your baby back. Ah!
Here's a little extra 'cause he's a dub."
-The baby's like, "Whoa." -The baby's like, "Y-o-o, son."
Baby did the one-chip challenge like, "Buhh! Oh, shit.
It's more chemical spice than burning, but it's still hot. Ahh."
"Fam, you didn't tell me that shit was Smirnoff."
Oh, man.
The guy in the back's like, "Fam, another baby?
"Yeah, take your baby.
"Yeah, go ahead. Cop and go, nigga.
Let's go. You're making it hot."
[ Laughs ]
And since you are a Parent of the Year
and we want to prevent you from having more children,
take a Plan B, my nigga. Oh, wow.
Then you don't got to dip your baby in a vat.
-You know what I'm sayin'? -Okay.
Or you can use these, which I am vehemently against.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Little condoms. You know what I'm sayin'?
Have you even touched one of those before?
What is this?
He thinks it's like a --
He's thinks it's a spice packet for ramen soup.
He don't know what this is.
Listen. I don't --
Ohh! This is like a plátano cover.
To keep your plátanos fresh and shit.
Okay, I see.
This is dope. I could use this.
-You know what I'm sayin'? -This is why we need --
This is why we need sex ed in high schools.
You know what I'm sayin'?
I slept in sex ed in high school, bro.
I went to go play ball.
[ Squish ]
That's a safe plátano right there.
That plátano will not put you at risk.
I got that Plan B. Whoo. It's gonna litty too titty tonight.
-This next -- -He's hype as...
He's like, "I ain't gotta spend that $50. We lit!"
[ Fanfare plays ]
[ Fanfare plays ]
The next Ball Baggy is for BX.
Ah, Ah, Ah. 233rd. You know what it is.
-East Tremont. Dewey Ave. -Bronx Moment of the Year.
These are the things we see every day in our Bronx existence,
and now we're sharing it with you, the world.
BX All Day. Bronx Moment of the Year.
Enjoy the nominees.
BX All Day. Bronx Moment of the Year.
Gas Station Mayhem in the South Bronx.
Ohh. Touching.
-[ Laughs ] -Oh.
This is a tale of a man.
And his True Religion jeans trying to survive.
He's trying to survive.
And a woman trying to gingerly chase the Dominican filming her.
How about you run, bitch?! How about you run?!
-Hey, hey, hey! -"Hey, hey, hey! Oh, hey!"
"Yo, Cici, chill!"
Yankees Fans Getting Nasty on the Train.
-Hey. 27 rings, bro. -Hey, hey.
Let's go, Yankees!
[ Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap ]
-All right? -Yeah.
Listen. Aaron Judge is not the only MVP.
And this is so Bronx, 'cause my man is in the back sleeping!
-Just chillin'. Listen. -Sleeping.
"I paid for my ride. Don't worry what I do, okay?
They're over there... I'm over there sleepin'. Mind your business."
[ Laughs ]
"Someone wake me up at 161st Street."
God damn!
Hey. Pinstripe pride. Ahh!
A-Rod and J-Lo Establish Everlasting Bronx Love.
[ Bachata music plays ]
What you know about it?
Listen. It's your loud neighbors from 4B
that finally went clean -- J-Lo and A-Rod.
Breaking Jaws With Avocados.
-Shit. -Wow!
Here we have the...
Rookie of the Year for the New York Mamahuevos,
it's the Avocado Thrower!
-Ahh! Ahh! -Hold that. Ohh!
He's like, "Guacamole's how much extra?! I don't think so!"
"I'll make the shit myself with your face!
...outta here. What's up? What's up?"
-Unh! -Oh!
He's like, "Who lives in a food desert?"
Yo. Listen, the Yankees need a good lefty.
Who wins the Ball Bag?
-Oh, boy. Let's see. -Bring it up.
♪ It's the Ball Bag ♪
Ooh.
Now remember, winners get
an all-expenses-paid trip to the Bronx.
You can stay however long you want.
You know what I'm sayin'? You live in my basement.
-It's $325. -It's cool.
And the Ball Baggy for Bronx Moment of the Year goes to...
Gas Station Mayhem in the South Bronx.
-Beautiful. Amazing. -Beautiful. Give it up.
Yo.
It was an epic three-part saga
of a man trying to get some chips
and a woman trying to make a drive-thru
where there's no entrance. You know what I'm sayin'?
Gas Station Mayhem in the South Bronx.
-Pow! -Pow...outta here.
It's like D-Day when they storm the beaches of Normandy.
Just setting the tone. He's, like, "Oh, shit."
This is our "Dunkirk."
-Holy shit. -"Holy shit."
Woman: Yeah, take pictures, you dumbasses!
Are we the dumbasses or is it you, my dear?
-Man: Oh, Jesus. -You know what?
Man: Oh, I like the finger, too.
It was an accident, you dumbasses!
How about you get a... car yourself?!
Oh, my God.
Man: Yeah. Look at my car over there.
He's like, "Yo, my shit is lit. I got a 5 Series."
Your man got iPhone X ahead of schedule?
-This shit is crystal-clear. -Whoo.
Man: You almost killed people!
Mero: "You almost killed people!"
The same heavy foot she used on that gas pedal,
she's now using to chase pedestrians.
-That's right. -Back for a second time.
Here she comes. Terror of the DMV.
-"Yo, chill, chill!" -It's Lead Foot! Ahh!
Yo. Bro, she got... Eli Manning foot speed.
I hope you got -- I hope you got full collision insurance,
'cause she's taking no prisoners.
Yo.
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Putting miles on your Fitbit. Give it up for Sharkesha! Ahh!
"What are you filming me for?"
Yo, my man in the green vest
looks like the ref running down the sideline.
He's like, "Yo."
-It's in! It's in! -It's good!
Shout-out to him.
And for Bronx Moment of the Year, what do you get?
Yeah. That's right, ma.
-Bronxest thing ever. -Yeah.
-Backwoods. -Backwoods.
-You know what it is. And... -You know what I'm sayin'?
Uh, what's that?
You already know. You already know.
-[ Sniffs ] -Ooh. [ Sniffs ]
Oh, yeah.
Sacred in our Bronx religion.
Not the Choppy but... the chopped cheese.
-The chopped cheese. -Oh, my God.
The sacred Vegemite of our Bronx existence.
All out to you.
Be claro. You know what I'm sayin'?
-This is what it's all about. -BX all day.
You know what I'm sayin'? We love you, ma.
This is good. Where'd you get this from?
Put this in my pocket.
You know what we like to do on the show,
is show animals fucking.
So the next Ball Baggy is for Sexual Creature of the Year.
Listen. Turn the TV up so all your relatives can know
every night you watch animals...
Yeah.
Sexual Creature of the Year.
Male Bee Blows His Girl's Back Out.
Oh, that bee was -- Oh.
-Yeah. -Buzz, buzz. Look at him.
He's like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
"Who's thorax is this, ma?"
-Yeaaah! Yeah. Ah. -Yeah.
"Oh, no. Wait a minute. You thought I was finished? Nah!"
Get back at it.
Rhinos Smashing in Front of Tourists.
Ooh. Yeah.
My man came out with the rhino hose, nigga, like...
Wait for it. Wait for it.
-Like, "Yo..." -Drop!
This is like, "Yo, who wants more dark meat? Yeah."
-Yeah. Hold that. Hold that. -Yeah, right there.
Pulling it out like, "Ahh."
Whoo!
Whoo. Damn. And he just flopped out?
Street Dogs Running Trizz.
Street Dogs Running Trizz.
Trizz Nathaniel.
Wow. Damn. They all got one hotel room in Miami, huh?
Whoo.
The Sloppy Toppy Robot.
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Yeah, boy!
Man: ...pleasurable human interaction.
Yeah! Look at that!
That's what Amazon need to sell instead of stupid speakers.
You put one of these in my house, I'm like, "A'ight."
The toppy bot, man.
The Japanese Porn Star That Looks Like a Baby.
-Oh. -Oh, shit!
The knock-off I No...Baby? A.k.a. I Am...A Baby?
Ahh.
That's not proper.
You can't be showing this on Thanksgiving, y'all.
What's wrong with y'all?
You're gonna make it weird
when I go to the children's table now.
♪ The Sexual Creature of the Year ♪
Sexual Creature. Ball Bags.
I have a personal preference for this one.
I hope they win. Been rooting for you all year, my guy.
The Ball Baggy for Sexual Creature of the Year goes to...
The Sloppy Toppy Robot!
Give it up! Yeah!
Sloppy Toppy Robot! Sloppy Toppy Robot!
Got to do the standing ovation like...
Beautiful. Love you.
The Sloppy Toppy Robot.
Man: Introducing the Model 1
Service Droid from Arlan Robotics.
-Model 1 Service Droid? -Yeah.
Why don't you just call it Toppy Bot?
Because if she goes in your phone and she sees that she's saved as "Sloppy Bot,"
she might be like, "Nah, I'm not coming back here."
Also, shout-out to her for wearing the same outfit
Drake had on in the "Hotline Bling" video.
Yo.
Man: Fingertip control allows speeds
ranging from gentle foreplay
to a punishing 120 cycles per minute.
-He said "a punishing"? -"A punishing"?
Yeah, that is a -- Listen.
That's -- "Ah! Ah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop!"
"Ohh!"
See, he's trying to stop her with the hand
like, "Yo, chill. I feel the teeth."
"Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah."
All the kids watching this are like,
"Why would you need a robot to eat a lollipop?"
"No. No. Keep your eyes on your plate."
Yeah, it's not for bananas either, nigga.
...during use to provide toe-curling suction on demand.
I mean, you could probably save money
and just go on Backpage.
But, I mean, if you into arts and craft and want to build your own thing...
That's cool. That's fine.
Like, if you want to spend your day
running to different Radio Shacks to buy capacitators
before you get your dick sucked, I mean, that's cool, too.
So your prize, Toppy Robot...
is this.
Stree Overlord,
which apparently is bodega dick pills...
[ Boing! ] Hey!
And they exceed Viagra and Cialis.
So if you want to get toppy till the battery runs out,
this is what you need, player.
Oh, and we got the Samurai-X. You know what I'm sayin'?
For when you want to slice that pussy in half!
You know what I'm sayin'? And what the...is that?
Black Rider. Male sexual stimulant.
Okay.
And La Pepa Negra, which...
I'm-a stash, 'cause I don't even know what the...that be,
nigga, but we gonna keep that one.
Listen. Someone's Thanksgiving night about to be...up.
Whoo, boy. About to cook your turkey, ma.
[ Fanfare plays ]
[ Fanfare plays ]
The next Ball Baggy is for Most Embarrassing Celebrity Moment.
And the nominees are...
Damn. I thought it was gonna be Kesha.
Most Embarrassing Celebrity Moment.
Kevin Hart Snitches on Himself.
I made a bad error in judgment and put myself in an environment
where only bad things can happen, and they did.
And in doing that, I know
that I'm gonna hurt the people closest to me,
who I've talked to and apologized to,
being my wife and my kids.
But I'm not gonna also allow a person to --
to have financial gain off of my mistakes.
"I'm not paying the money, all right?"
"You know what I'm sayin'? You ain't extorting Kevin Hart."
-Nope. -You know what I'm sayin'?
Shout-out to shorty. She went too high with the amount.
Kevin Hart was like, "...that. I'm gonna leak that myself."
You would've asked for $500,000, you would've been good.
...this situation, that's what was attempted.
I said I'd rather fess up to my mistakes.
Hey.
Tyrese Can't Stop Crying.
I wake up every day...
to focus on one thing.
[ Sobbing ]
Why you doing your Dennis Quaid impression, my guy?
"Ugh!"
I'm at $13,000 a month!
What more do you want from me?!
[ Laughs ]
That was him reading the script for "Fast and Furious."
"What more do you want from me?!
I done drove the car. Now you want me to fly a plane?! Damn!"
Drop a Bomb. Tim Westwood Shoots His Shot with Cardi B.
Do you have a lot of --
Do you have sex with a lot of, like, you know, black girls?
Not as much as I'd like to.
Mm.
[ Laughter ]
-Drop the bomb! My God. My God! -Yo!
Tim Westwood was trying to get west wood dirty.
You know what I'm sayin'?
He trying to be Tim Wetwood, nigga.
Oh, man.
But, hey, you're here now, so we can rectify that.
[ Laughs ]
Calm down. Calm down.
[ As Austin Powers ] Do I make you horny, baby?
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, man. -So thotty, baby.
Lawrence O'Donnell Loses His Shit.
Someone's pressing buttons and turning my sound off.
Who is it?! Who's asking for a Labor Day rundown in my ear?!
Get --
Stop the hammering out there!
Who's got a hammer?! Where is it?!
'Cause he's about to let that shit off!
Where's the hammer?! Stop the hammering!
There's someone at your Thanksgiving table acting like that,
and they're like, "Yo, no more drinks for him.
Grandpa's wildin'." "Cut him off, cut him off."
Get --
Stop the hammering out there!
Who's got a hammer?! Where is it?!
Where's the hammer?! Stop the hammering!
[ Laughter ]
Yo, relax, Uncle.
Winner for Most Embarrassing Celebrity Moment is...
Woop. Woop, woop. Oh, boy.
A lot going on in here.
Big tings are gwan.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah? -The winner.
Most Embarrassing Celebrity Moment goes to...
Drop a Bomb! Drop a Bomb! Tim Westwood!
Tim Westwood Shoots His Shot with Cardi B.
Yeah! Give it up for Tim Westwood!
From across the pond, an international winner!
Yes!
-Do you feel thotty, baby? -Yeah, baby.
Tim Westwood Shoots His Shot with Cardi B.
So, what type of weave do you like best?
-Weave? -Mm.
Uh...
-Lace front? -[ Laughs ]
Mero: She's like, "How this nigga know about lace front?"
Well, it really depends, you know?
I think I look real sexy and slutty with 40 inches of hair.
Oh, my days. When it touches the butt, that is so...
Desus: Relax, my guy. Relax.
What'd he say? "When it touches the butt."
Your man's leaving the... XTube comments in real life.
Like, "Yo, when it touches the butt, that's what I like. My favorite scene."
Mero: So thotty.
-So thotty, baby. -Yeah.
-I really pay attention to hair. -Yeah?
I've bought a lot of hair in my time. Trust me.
Yeah?
Oh, yeah. Girls are always leaning to a white guy for hair.
Desus: By "hair," he means pussy?
He's bought a lot of hair in his life? Yeah.
Do you have a lot of -- Do you have sex with,
like, a lot of, like, you know, black girls?
Not as much as I'd like to. Mm.
Mero: Whoo! He's feeling it out!
My son Tim was feeling it out with the "Mm."
[ Laughter ]
Tim, you're not low. You're not low at all.
Shout-out to Tim. You win...
The highest quality.
What the...?
[ Laughs ] Is that a weave?
-No. -Is that supposed to be a weave?
That's the goblin mask. He was trying to get that --
This is Goblin Desus?
Trying to get that yac. Yeah.
-Do you feel thotty, baby? -Yeah, baby, yeah.
-Shout-out to Tim. -Yeah.
Hope you get some of that sweet, sweet brown choach this Thanksgiving.
But, hey, you're here now, so we can rectify that.
[ Laughs ]
So, damn, it could've been Tommy, Offset, or Tim Westwood.
Damn, Offset, you came very close to losing her.
Is it Offset or Quavo? Okay. Offset!
Not that they all look alike, you know?
I just get them confused.
The next Ball Baggy is for...
The Most Yacubian Moment of the Year.
-My God. -The nominees are...
Most Yacubian Moment of the Year.
Bo Bice Cries About Being Called White Boy At Popeyes.
One of the three young ladies behind the corner said,
"He's already got his, that white boy over there."
[ Crying ] And the fact that I've got to sit on TV...
[Sniffles] ...just to open up dialogue
so we can have an adult conversation is ridiculous.
He got called white boy at a Popeyes.
-Fam. -Listen.
That's par for the course at Popeyes.
America, you should be ashamed.
Katy Perry Dances With Migos.
-Ooh. -Yeah, this is strong.
I mean, you call that dancing?
Hey. She's like, "No. I don't know the words here.
Which one is dating Cardi B? I don't know."
"Hey, Setoff, come here!"
Becky From Sephora Gets Caught Racial Profiling.
"Ah-ah. I'm from Gary.
Gary, stand up. You know what it is. Ah-ah.
Me and Jim Brown did a drive-by the other day.
Woman: Oh, my God.
"Tons. Like, girl..."
Ugly Neo-Nazi Shows Off His Guns, Then Cries Like a Bitch.
-Oh, this guy. -Oh, man.
♪ I got seven MAC-11's, about eight .48's ♪
Cantwell: Well, I actually have another AK in that bag over there.
You can lose track of your...guns, huh?
[ Crying ] We've been coordinating
with law enforcement the entire time.
Every step of the way, we've tried to do the right thing.
-Aww. -And they just won't stop.
Can't stop, won't stop.
[ Fake sobbing ]
So the nominees for the Most Yacubian Moment of the Year.
Who's gonna win this one?
We have the winner. The Ball Bag goes to...
Ooh, it's a heavy one.
The envelope.
The Ball Bag for the Most Yacubian Moment of the Year goes to...
Neo-Nazi Crying Like a Little Bizz-itch!
-Yeah! -Yeah!
Give it up to the Yacubian Moment of the Year.
Neo-Nazi Crying Like a Little Bitch!
Ugly Neo-Nazi Shows Off His Guns, Then Cries Like a Bitch.
Well, I'm carrying a pistol. I go to the gym all the time.
I'm trying to make myself more capable of violence.
We're not non-violent.
We'll...kill these people if we have to.
Yeah, he was talking real spicy.
He had that same energy until he pulled up to the precinct
and realized he had a warrant. Then he was, like, "Oh, shit."
Glock 19. 9-millimeter.
Ruger LC9.
Your man was ready to play "The Division" in real life.
-What the...? -Nope!
-No. Sorry, dawg. -Nope.
Then he got on his grainy web cam
and cried like his girl left him.
What is this? A VGA camera? This is terrible.
Terrible resolution!
If I -- Excuse me. [ Sniffles ]
That I could find this out if I wanted to go
to a local magistrate or something like that...
He's buns! He's wild buns!
And I don't -- I don't know what to do.
I've e-mailed Steven Tenney
of the Keene Police Department...
[ Sniffles ] Sorry.
[ Sniffles ]
What a performance.
...the ACLU and we went to court and we won!
This is like Denzel in "Fences."
Wow.
You know what you get as a winner?
Powerful performance, you piece of shit.
You know what you get? That's what you get.
-You get mayo. -Suntan lotion.
Bring out the best, you Miracle Whip little bitch.
God damn.
[ Fanfare plays ]
[ Fanfare plays ]
The next Ball Bag is for Best Political Beef,
and the nominees are...
When you run up on the GOP talking spicy,
some of them might run back up on you.
It's not Capitol Hill. It's Killer Hill, nigga.
Best Political Beef.
Angela Rye Sons Joe Walsh.
Yeah, the "we" is white liberals.
-Barack Obama, I believe -- -You're not a white liberal.
You can disagree with me.
Angela, are you gonna let me speak or not?
Are you gonna say something while your mouth is moving?
You did one term. So I'm just saying he actually --
-He got elected -- -You did one term.
-No, he wasn't. -You did one term. He served --
Desus: Baow!
Auntie Maxine Waters Cooks Steve Mnuchin's Bitch Ass.
Waters: Don't want to take my time --
Mnuchin: I also have appreciated the opportunity to meet...
-Reclaiming my time. -...with you several times...
-Reclaiming my time. ...when we were doing our...
Waters: Reclaiming my time.
Mr. Chairman, I thought when you read the rules,
you acknowledged that I shouldn't be interrupted.
She's like, "Millhouse, did I not tell you to shut the...up?"
Mero: "I said what I said."
Jimmy Kimmel Says He'll Give Brian Kilmeade the Hands.
...not stopping Hollywood elites like comedian Jimmy Kimmel
from pushing their politics on the rest of the country. Watch.
This is a guy, Brian Kilmeade, who, whenever I see him,
kisses my ass like a little boy meeting Batman.
Whoo!
I don't get anything out of this, Brian,
you phony, little creep.
Oh, I'll pound you when I see you.
God damn. Jimmy talking spicy!
One-Chop Challenge Jimmy over here.
Shit Gets Wild in Ugandan Parliament.
Oh, man. This is -- Oh, boy.
Yeah. Square up, square up! "Yeah. Wah gwan?"
He's like -- Watch the spin. Whoo!
-Yow! Take that. -Yo!
He's like, "Yo, hold the chair." He's like, "I caught that."
-"What's good? Yeah, pull up." -"Who wants it?"
"I'm in the all white with the cream."
Listen. The winner for Best Political Beef...
-Whew. -Oh.
-Come on, come on, come on. -You know what I'm sayin'?
Beef is when it ain't safe to sleep up in the sheets.
-You know what I'm sayin'? -Best winner --
The Ball Bag for the Most Political Beef goes to...
The Ugandan Parliament!
-Yeah! -Give it up.
Yo. Shout-out to Uganda.
Shit Gets Wild in Ugandan Parliament.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
This video was enjoyable the first time,
but with this dramatic music now, it's like, "Wow!"
Like, this seems like
this is gonna cause Africa to break up after this meeting.
-Where's Akon in all this? -Look at that.
Nigga threw the chair, and your man was like, "What?!"
He said, "Annie, are you okay?"
He's like, "I had a deposit on that chair. You wildin'."
Yo!
[ Both scatting ]
He came through like... [Scatting]
Damn!
-Ah! -Wow! What a catch.
That was Aaron Judge level.
-Look at him. -Wow.
The Odell Beckham of Uganda, ladies and gentlemen.
How swaggy is it when you have
all your security wearing all white
like a Romeo Santos concert?
That's, like, letting people know.
-This is classy. -He's like, "Catch that."
Whoa! Fam!
He was like, "Who? Who want what?"
-"Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo." -He's like, "Anyone can get it.
I've never thrown a punch in my life, but I'm starting today."
-He's like -- -What kind of hand skills --
He's like, "I am the African Sonny Liston."
Nigga's trying to shoo mother...away.
Like, "Watch my left and my right.
I don't know which one is which."
He's like, "I'm just trying to get to my car, yo."
And when it was all said and done, they all agreed that,
yes, Tuesday would be garbage collection day
and there was no need to have this violence.
You know what they say. Beef is best served uncooked.
That's right. You know what I'm sayin'?
The manager's special. You know what it is. You know what I mean?
Shout-out to Ugandan Parliament.
We're gonna ship this down there.
Also, shout-out to Foodtown.
This is actually a good price for a top London broil.
All right.
Ooh. That's cold as shit.
[ Laughter ]
[ Fanfare plays ]
[ Fanfare plays ]
The next Ball Baggy is for Fight of the Year.
-Ooh. -The nominees are...
Is it Conor McGregor versus Mayweather? Eh...
Or was it me looking for an illegal stream that night?
Ah-ah. You know who the winner is. Ahh!
Fight of the Year.
Yacubian Man Fights a Kangaroo for His Dog.
-Oh, wow. -This is touching. I remember.
Got the tear in my eye. "Hey, get off my dog, mate.
Hey, hey, hey! Blimey!"
"Hey, square up, mate. Come off it, now."
Ooh. This was strong. This was an early contender.
I don't know if anything can beat this.
He beat the Vegemite out of that nigga.
Penguins Fight to the Death for Love.
-Ohh. Messy. -Yes. Oh, the thotty penguins.
-Yes. -Yes.
"Every night, I have to fight for our love."
Yo. God damn, bro.
Nah, there was blood in this one,
so this is a strong contender.
Elevator Beef in the Former Soviet Union.
Oh, yeah, when your man was like, "What? Hold this."
Wait. One, two, three. Boing, boing, boing.
-Oh! Oh! Oh! -Ah!
-Wow. -Wow.
It's like punching Russians in a barrel.
All of this over who sips the best potato vodka?
Like, seems excessive.
Cubs Fan Learns the Golden Rule --
Talk Shit, Get Hit.
Oh, you know what it is.
-Bong! -Pow!
-Night, night! -Wow!
That one-hitter quitter.
So, the winner for Best Fight of the Year...
Let's see here. Who we got? Who we got?
Here you go. Let's open this up.
Show the other side. You got the Ball Bag showing?
-You can show the bag. -Fight of the Year.
You know how mad we're gonna be in 50 years when this is an actual thing
and they're gonna wheel us out in wheelchairs
and we be like, "I remember the first Ball Bag.
It was just a lark."
I was not expecting this. This is a sleeper pick.
The Ball Baggy for Fight of the Year goes to...
Penguins Fight to the Death for Love.
-What? The thotty penguins. -The thotty penguins, yo.
Penguins Fight to the Death for Love.
We watch a family be destroyed for our entertainment.
-That's right. -Let's see it one more time.
Penguins Fight to the Death for Love.
Narrator: But this husband has come home
to find his wife with another penguin.
"In my house!"
His strategy is simple --
batter the homewrecker until he flees.
-Mm. "Get out of my house! -"...you doing?
I'm fightin' for my family!"
He's like, "It's my family now.
I changed the Wi-Fi name.
Aw, man. It's like, "You must choose. Pick one."
She's like, "Well, I mean, you're my husband,
but he's saved in my phone as Big Dick Daddy, so..."
He's like, "What? Your ho chose me, brah."
"You tight?"
Narrator: Penguins usually use their beaks to gouge their burrows.
Now they are gouging out eyes.
He's like, "I'm fighting for my family! My kids!
-Y-o-o-o! -We built this together!
You're not gonna take this away from me!"
Y-o-o-o-o! My God. This is violent.
He's like, "Yo, she loves me. Just walk away."
Listen, my man. I'm gonna give you this.
'Cause next time you get into a beef with a penguin,
flippers ain't gonna work.
You're gonna need this, player.
-He came through with the ox! -You know what I'm sayin'?
Buck 50 across your facial, dawg.
You know what I'm sayin'? All right? Listen.
Chilly Willy, next time you pull up,
pull up with this, all right?
There you go. Listen. A buck 50.
-Be smart. -That's right.
We're encouraging penguin-on-penguin
violence on Thanksgiving. How you feel?
Pass some more cranberry sauce to your grandma.
You don't know how many more dinners she got left. Yeah.
[ Fanfare plays ]
♪♪
-What is your rainbow? -I got to leave now?
Uh, probably, but you got to do a rainbow first.
Um...
What do you want the rainbow to say?
You got to populate it.
-Oh, and then does it pop up? -Mm-hmm.
Oh. Um...
First thing that comes to my mind is...Donald Trump.
Hey.
Where's the rainbow at? Where does it go?
They add it in post. It's like, "Ahh."
So, do I pose or something?
Yeah, just do prayer hands like, "Yo..."
Ahh.
My rainbow would be "Live your dreams...
and make sure you cum every time when you have sex."
-[ Laughs ] -Make sure.
"Black women tried to tell you."
-Hey. They did. -They did.
What's it gonna say? You know what? You gotta sing it for us.
♪ Take your panties off ♪
-Mmm! -Yeah!
I would like my rainbow to say that I am the white Desus.
[ Laughter ]
Am I supposed to do this while I do it?
-You can do that. -I'm a visual person.
Uh...
Hey!
[ Laughter ]
Y'all -- Y'all are muses to me.
I love the concept -- the minimalism of y'all's show.
'Cause this is hard to do.
It's hard to do without an audience,
a laugh track, a script.
You got to be really, really talented.
And, so, black excellence is it.
-Yes! -Yes!
-Diddy told y'all! -That's right!
Give it up for Sean J. Combs!
♪ Bad Boy, Bad Boy, what you gonna do ♪
♪ Yeah, what you gonna do when they come for you? ♪
-You'll see. -You'll see.
Diddy just said we're excellent, by the way.
This was either the best or the worst interview we've ever done.
-Probably the best. -Yeah.
What would you like your rainbow to say?
How it -- What? I didn't hear what you said.
Oh, what would you like your rainbow to say?
My rain-- I don't know. What's a rainbow?
Rainbow. It's the banner that goes --
Yesterday, we had Ferg here, and we were like, "Yo..."
-[ Laughs ] -Aww!
-He gets upset -- -I know, but I --
-Wait, wait, wait! Time-out! -Go to commercial.
We're gonna finish with the rainbow.
I watch this show. Aww!
-Desu! Desu! -It's "Desus"!
Desu!
Yo. Happy Thanksgiving.
We want to thank you guys for watching the number-one show in late night.
I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving.
You're gonna fall asleep. Don't drink and drive.
And, you know, if you want to shoot the fair with a family member,
tonight's the night to bring it up.
Listen. Let me tell you something very important about Thanksgiving.
Don't talk to anybody.
Just go there, get shitfaced, and go to sleep on the couch.
That'll work. That'll work.
[ Fanfare plays ]
-Have a good night, yo! We out! -Peace.
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