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Hi, do you know what the number one misconception is when it comes to families setting boundaries
with someone they love in active addiction?
Hi, I'm Kimberly Velez, Licensed Mental Health Counselor in the state of Florida.
The number one misconception for families in regards to setting boundaries with their
loved one in addiction and the reason why that is because most families have been afraid
that their loved will think they are abandoning them.
And this is why I decided to create a Youtube Video about this topic because it's so critical
and important.
So here's the main two reasons why families tend to believe that they are abandoning their
loved one when they are setting a healthy boundary.
So the first main issue for families is really that it is something different for you.
You are saying no for the first time, you're not doing things that you have typically done
before to reduce your discomfort and we're human beings, creatures of habit and one of
things we do not like to experience as a human being is feeling uncomfortable.
So everybody has their own reasons for how they respond and react to their loved one
in active addiction.
This is where a skilled clinician can come in and help support the family and address
their own individualized needs.Especially when it comes to managing our emotions in
new ways.
So again this is something very emotional.
You can't get more emotional than watching someone we love self destruct.
So when we are feeling a level of discomfort, a level of anxiety, when we're feeling fear-
scared or lonely or worried- we will find the quickest way to alleviate ourselves of
that.
So nine times out of ten, when it's families dealing with their loved one in active addiction,
they've been alleviating it by possibly enabling and rescuing and not saying no perhaps when
they need to and definitely by tolerating behaviors from their loved one that they normally
would not accept by anyone else.
So, again it's really critical to get help and guidance and understand that about yourself
and then being taught or shown or start practicing new coping mechanisms to manage those emotions
cuz they are still going to be there especially when you start saying no.
The second reason why families really struggle and feel like they are abandoning their loved
one is because your loved one doesn't want this to happen either.
It's different for them as well.
And what that really means is that you have to remember you are dealing with someone in
active addiction.
They're not in their right mind, they're not rational thinkers in active addiction.
When families have come to me in the past, saying "Kim we are really worried because
she doesn't want us to do this" , "she feels like we don't love her" "this
is what she said to us".
You know I would point out that is emotional manipulation because in no way shape or form
are you abandoning your loved one.
You're setting up different limits to behaviors that you are going to accept and tolerate
from your loved one.
That's all that's changing.
So, they tend to not want that kind of support and they will do anything and everything they
can to really try to get you to revert back to the old ways because the old ways enabled
their addiction.
It enabled them to get away with things that they shouldn't.
It made their drug use easier, more comfortable and this is what families do not want to do.
So it's really, really critical that you all, again, get help and understand for yourself,
what are your emotional hooks?
How are you being triggered?
What are the things that your loved one says or does that gets to you and how are you responding?
You know-do you just throw your hands up?
Do you feel powerless?
Are you feeling frustrated?
Are you scared because most of the families I worked with are terrified to set a healthy
boundary for fear that their loved one will pull away even more from them.
Your relationship that was there prior to the addiction is nine times out of ten not
the same.
Families are really scared to set a healthy boundary for fear of losing more of the relationship
that's really non existent at this point in time.
So these are the two main issues that families really, really struggle with and again, it's
so important for you guys to get help.
You cannot possibly navigate and manage crisis after crisis by yourself.
There's resources out there that can help you.
I have down below a link to "The Top 3 Resources Available to Families" . Please click on
it - it's free and start your path in getting the help that you need so that you no longer
fall under the misconceptions and misguidance of feeling like you are abandoning your loved
one by setting up - I call them recovery supportive boundaries.
That's what you want to do.
You don't want to do anything as a family that fuels the addictive cycle.
So again, implementing and following thru with recovery supportive boundaries - that's
what families need to do.
Please get the help to start understanding what that is.
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