Hey girls, Tiffany Dawn here, and today I want to do a video on the question, "Am I
gay?" I've actually had several people write in this question recently and it's
something that I actually asked too when I was in my 20. I think it's a much more
common question than we realize, because no one really talks about it. So if we're
asking it, I think it can feel like scary and feel like we're the only person
who's been there, but I I think it's actually extremely common of a question
to ask. So I'm just gonna share my own experience with it, not because your
experience will be the same as mine, but just to help you know like you're not
alone, you're not the only person asking this question, and kind of like talk
through a little bit of it. We're not gonna talk about the morality of the
question in this video. I think that's a really big topic right now and a really
important discussion to have as a Christian, but instead of-- I'm not gonna
talk about it, but I do have some resources for you guys. So if that's a
question that you've been wondering about, and I've had some of you ask about
that too, and the morality of, is it okay to love Jesus and be a Christian and be
in a gay relationship, or is that, are those two different things? That's a big
question I hear. um If that's something you're wondering, I would point you to
these four resources. And these are four resources that are on both sides, like
have different answers to that question, they're on both sides of the debate
that's happening in the church right now. But what I-- what's really cool about
these four resources, is they are all by people who are coming from a place of, I
want to love Jesus and honor Him with all my heart and I want to honor what
the Bible says, I just have different ways of understanding what that is. And
so I think that these are incredibly helpful resources and I would encourage
you to really check them out, especially the resources that are contrary to how
you tend to think. So here's the thing. I was raised-- my parents really instilled
in us the value of hearing the other side of the perspective. It's not
something I've always been good at, but it's something that I want to constantly
get better at. And I remember like my dad would come home from work at night and
he'd bring a hot topic to the table. We would all discuss it and we'd take
different sides and one day I remember him bringing to the table the topic of
abortion and I was like 11 years old, and I was like all, "I got this one,"
and I start going off all about pro-life and stuff,
and then my dad kind of jumps in and he starts totally playing devil's advocate,
asking all these questions that just throw me off guard. And I remember being
so confused and being like, "Dad, what do you believe? I thought you were pro-life!"
And he just-- I don't remember his words, but the message I got was: "It doesn't
matter what I believe, Tiff, what matters is that you can think for yourself and
you don't just take for granted what you've always heard growing up, whether
in school or in church or in society or in your family, but that you know how to
think through an issue, looking at both sides and thinking it through for
yourself." And so I think part of being able to really know what we believe on
any certain topic means we have to look at the other side; we have to listen to
people who think differently than us. It's so important. Otherwise what we
believe is very one-dimensional and black-and-white and doesn't have a lot of
compassion. But when we actually listen to the other side, sometimes what we
believe changes, sometimes it doesn't, but it's more nuanced, it's more
two-dimensional, and we have a whole lot more compassion in the process. And so
these are four topics, two on each side of the argument. They all I think do a
quality job of expressing where they're coming from in their perspective. So the
first one is actually a video series by That Christian Vlogger. You might
remember him and his wife coming on here for a video series that we did
about marriage a few months ago. So That Christian Vlogger
um is someone who does believe that it's not biblical to be in a gay relationship,
but he had a friend come on who is a Christian and is in a gay relationship
and does think that that's okay and lines up with Scripture. And so That
Christian Vlogger had him on his channel and interviewed him, had him share his
story, asked him all these questions, and I think that the conversation from two
people who think very differently on this topic
but were able to realize like, "We have common ground here;
we both love God want to honor Him and we can have this conversation in a
loving way"-- like it blew my mind. I thought it was one of the most amazing
resources for the church today to have that conversation out there. And they
both did such a good job expressing themselves. It was really focused on his
friend though, his friend's story, um hearing what that was like for him,
how he came to those decisions that he did, how he came to what he believes
today, and so that's very much an explanation of I guess someone who
thinks it is okay to be in a gay relationship and be a Christian and
honor the Bible. Do then the second one is also an interview with somebody from
kind of the opposite perspective. Do this one is from Java with Juli, which is
this ministry, this marriage ministry out in Denver, and she interviews
different people on her show. So she interviewed a lady who also was
attracted to women and was in gay relationships I believe, but then when
she became a Christian decided to no longer be, and what that decision was
like for her and why she believes that, how she came to that belief. Then the
third one is from a guy who was a missionary, very conservative thinker, and
then he ended up really looking at this issue and coming to a totally different
belief about it, thinking that the way he'd always interpreted what the Bible
said might not actually be accurate. So he has a whole series of blog posts that
kind of just lay out for you exactly the study process he went through on each of
the verses in the Bible that talks about homosexuality and how he now believes
that it is biblical and okay to be in a gay relationship. And then the final one
is from a pastor who's on the other side of the spectrum. He actually studied with
Billy Graham and now he owns-- doesn't own lol-- now he is the pastor of a large
local church where we live, and a lot of people in his congregation started
asking this question, like what do you think about gay marriage? And so he did
he did a message about it and I think he does a great job explaining his
perspective of saying, "I think it's not biblical to be in a gay
relationship and, and live the way the Bible says to live." So I think those are
four tremendous resources for you and I know that they might make us
uncomfortable because no matter which side of the debate we're on, two of them
are gonna be different than what we think. But I think it's so important to
kind of become comfortable with the discomfort. Actually my little sister
called me the other day. We were talking about this issue and she's like, "I feel
like God is challenging me to just be okay with being uncomfortable sometimes
and having those uncomfortable conversations and hearing another side
of the story." And I think that's so profound and like wise
beyond her years. And I just think it's it's so important to take the time
to hear that other perspective and then figure out what do you believe. And I
think the way to do that as a Christian in my opinion, is to look at: What does
the Bible say? What does the Bible mean by what it says? And then we're hearing--
hear another side of the story. And then find someone who's older and wiser that
you trust and talk with them about it, bounce your opinions and ideas off of
them and hear what they have to say. And I think those are the four things
you can do that kind of help you figure out, what do I believe on this topic? So
I'm not going to share what I believe today; we're not going to talk about that,
but if you want to think more about that, check out the resources linked below. So
now let's move into what this video is actually about, which is that question,
"Am I gay?" So I think that this question is actually asked by a lot more people
than we realize, and I think it's easy to think that only people who are attracted
to someone of the same sex would ask this question, but I actually don't think
that's true. So I have asked this question and a lot of other people I
know who have asked this question, actually decided, "No you know what, I am
attracted to someone of the opposite sex." So I think that this question is way
more universal than we sometimes or realize. So I just want to share my own
experience, just to kind of, I don't know, normalize it maybe, or just let you
know like if you're asking this, you're not alone. So I grew up always
daydreaming about boys. Like I was definitely a very boy crazy girl, but
when I got to my 20s um I wasn't in a relationship for a long time. Like I'd go
on dates with different guys but I was always like, "Man I don't really like this
guy." So I spent a lot of my 20s very single.
And I guess maybe people aren't used to seeing that in our culture; maybe
they're not used to someone being like, "I don't really-- I'm waiting for something
and I don't know exactly what it is, but when I know it-- when I see it, I think
I'll know it. And I'm just gonna be single till then." And I don't think
that's normal in our culture. And so friends of mine-- both Christian and
non-Christian-- started asking me, "Tiff, do you think maybe you're actually gay? Do
you think you're actually attracted to girls? Maybe, maybe you're kind of doing
this all wrong; maybe you should try dating a girl." And several
people mentioned this to me, several close friends, and so that really started-- the
first time you know, you're like, "Oh that's weird that you asked me that, but
okay," but after a few times you're like, "Is there something here? Like why are all
these people asking me this?" And I started kind of like really
questioning in my head like, "Do they see something that I don't see in myself?" And
then on top of that, I didn't have a lot of really close guy friends. I did have
some over the years, but for the most part that people I really deeply
connected with were other girls, they were my girlfriends, and I just had this
deep connection; I just loved being with them. And so then I started thinking like,
"Oh my goodness, like are the people I really connect with gonna be girls? Like
does that mean that I am gay?" And I think for that in specific, that actually came
up in my counseling recently by accident almost. So I was talking with my
counselor about how I have such a hard time being myself around guys who are in
relationships because I'm so afraid and so worried that anything I do or say
could be misconstrued as flirting. And I don't ever want their wives to go
through the pain that I have gone through when ex-boyfriends have flirted
with other girls and the girls have flirted back, and all this. So I told my
counselor like, "I get so anxious, I like can I cannot be myself around guys if
they're in a relationship, even though they know I'm married and I know that
they're in a relationship. But if they're single, I'm like totally fine,
totally natural." And my counselor was like, "It sounds like you kind of
romanticize or sexualize intimacy. So you don't know how to just have intimacy
as a friendship and say like, 'This closeness to this person is a gift as a
friendship.' It doesn't have to be more than that. It doesn't have to be
construed as sexual or romantic; it can just be a friendship." And as we were
talking about that, I was like, "That's so interesting because when I was
in my 20s, I wondered if I was gay because most of my close girlfriends--
most of the people I really connected with were girls." And my counselor was like,
"Yeah that's a great example of another way that you kind of see that closeness
and intimacy as automatically meaning, this must be a romantic connection." And I
think that's just so profound for our world today.
Because I think with social media, we're so used to like
connections at arms-length almost, and we're not used to that real intimacy of
friendship. And I think that's true for girls and for guys, like um, you know,
my sister-in-law works with some teens at her church. And she was saying
that there's this guy and this girl and they've started hanging out and the more
they see of each other, the more they're like, "Wow you're really cool! Like I want
to get to know you more." And my sister-in-law was like, "Now they're kind of like
dating, but I wish they just knew that they could just be friends; that that
kind of connection doesn't mean, 'Oh we should date,' it means like, 'Oh you can be
friends and have that connection.' You don't always have to date a person that
you have that connection with." So I think that that's like really-- that was really
profound for me to realize that that's what I was doing. So those two things
really contributed to that for me. I mean if someone suggested to you, even if
it's a guy, you know my friends asking me like, "Do you think maybe you're gay?" Even
if that happened to me with guys - like they'd be like, "Oh maybe you like him,
maybe you like him," and all of a sudden I'd be like, "Maybe I do!" I think like when
things get put in our heads like that, it's easy to question if what we're
hearing is true and also it's easy to kind of not recognize that you can have
friendships that are deep and intimate in a non-sexual way and it doesn't-- just
because you really have a connection with someone doesn't necessarily mean
that you have to date that guy or girl. So that was my experience. And my
experience is gonna be different from everybody else's. Everyone's experience
with this question is unique to themselves. Some some girls will realize,
"You know I really am attracted to other girls." Some girls will realize, "You know
I'm really not attracted to other girls." It's gonna look different for each
person. But I know like my husband actually asked this question - he told
me that in high school he wondered if he was gay because no girls paid any
attention to him. He was kind of like not very cool in high school,
and so now he's amazing, but girls didn't really pay attention to him.
And the only people that did pay any attention to him were guys who were gay.
And he was like, "I really enjoyed having someone pay attention to me, so I started
wondering like, am i gay, because of that." So I think that this question,
am i gay, is way more universal than we realize. And if you're asking it, you are
not the only person asking that question. There are so many other people also
asking it. And so as you ask it, I think there's two things that are important to
keep in mind. The first is, find a safe person who you can talk with about the
question. And what I mean by a safe person is this. I never shared that
question with anyone because I was too scared of what they would say. um And if
I had shared it and the person had immediately said, "Well you know it's
wrong to be gay and a Christian, right?" I would have just shut down and never
talked to anyone else about it. On the same token, if someone had said, "Oh
yes you're definitely gay," I would have also shut down and never talked to
anyone else about the topic. What I would have needed is someone who just kind of
was a listening ear; had the maturity to just kind of like be quiet with me and
sit with me and help me explore it and help me ask the right questions to
figure out what I believe about this, what I feel about this, what's happening
inside me, and just kind of guide me gently along that process so that I
could come to my own conclusions. But um they would help me know what questions
to ask to get there, if that makes sense. So I think finding a safe person like
that, who's a little older a little wiser, can be a great way to kind of process
that question if it's something that is really kind of sticking with you and
you're really wondering about. um The second thing is, I would just say, don't
let anybody tell you that God doesn't love you because you're asking that
question. To put it bluntly, that is a lie from the pit of hell. Jesus loves you, and
whether or not you're asking this question. And there is no question that's
too taboo to bring to God. You can bring that question to Him and you can talk to
Him about it and ask Him about it, ask Him to just guide you through it and be
with you through it, and He's going to. He delights in His children asking Him to
just guide them through these things. And so don't let anyone tell you that you
can't take it to God, that you can't talk about it, that it's taboo or that God
doesn't love you because you're asking this, because that is not true. I really,
with all my heart, believe that God wants us to bring these questions to Him.
I think sometimes they scare us and so we think that they must scare God, but
God is way bigger than that. He's not scared by any question we could ever
throw at Him. So bring this to God, share it with Him, and share it with some safe
people-- if this is something that's really like bothering you and on your
mind and you're just really confused by it. For some people you'll realize, "Oh,
yeah I-- I asked that question, but it's not really a big deal." But if you're-- if
you're asking that question and it is a big deal, share it with God, share it with
people you trust, and know that you are loved by your Father God; that He sees
you, He knows you, and He loves you, and asking this question does not separate
you from that love. So girls I hope that this can really encourage you in some
way. um Please feel free to comment your own thoughts below, but please do so in
love. I know we often quote that verse from Scripture where it says, "Speak the
truth in love." And I think as Christians we can be really good at speaking the
truth, or what we think is the truth on a topic, but we're not always great at
the "in love" part. So if you want to know how to write a comment, read
1 Corinthians 13 before you post it, and then go back and look at your comment
and say, "Does this fit that definition of love? Is this patient, is this kind,
is this believing the best about other people even if they think differently
than me? Is this loving?" Like look at 1 Corinthians 13 and then ask
yourself, "Is this a comment that fits with that verse?" before you post it.
Because this is a very personal, very vulnerable and scary topic for people
who are really wrestling with this question, and so please write your
comments-- you can, you can come from any perspective; that's the beautiful thing
about YouTube is you can have people from all perspectives, but please write
your comments in love, lining up with 1 Corinthians 13. So I love you girls,
and I'll see you next week. Bye.
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