(pencil scribbling)
(fast paced, gaming music)
Hello.
So, in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month,
I wanted to do a couple of videos
this month about my mental health.
Starting off with talking about my attempt
to be happier and more positive.
Now, just a quick warning.
This may be a rambly, somewhat repetitive video.
It's a comment that people have
brought up to me recently.
But, I hope that I can just get a little bit
of slack for such a personal video like this because
this is a very personal topic and is kind of
difficult for me to talk about and it's really difficult
for me to get my thoughts about this sort of stuff
kind of concise, so.
I've talked about this before on the channel.
I have a whole mental health playlist
that you can go look at.
I deal with depression and I deal with a lot of anger.
I've talked more about my depression than I have my
anger because I feel like talking about depression is
a little less scary whereas talking about anger,
well, it's anger.
It frightens people sometimes.
And anger also puts a lot of people off faster I feel like
just from my personal experience and I get it.
I get why that happens.
So, this year has been a lot of struggle because
everything that had happened from like 2015 to last year
essentially didn't happen for me this year.
And it happened for other people.
Fellow, you know, people in the same work as me.
And I'm not gonna lie.
I was pretty damn jealous about it.
I was incredibly bitter about it.
And I did my best to hide it, but probably not.
I did my best to tone it down as much as possible
and I might have toned it down a bit but overall,
like, yeah, I struggled with a lot of, "Blah, blah, blah."
"I worked this hard and done all this for all these
"many years and then someone comes along and boop,
"there it is," and then I'm like, "Oh, okay."
And it ate at me so much
and it became such a problem
that it would wear me down and, one, I would get really
really angry and, two, I would get really really depressed
instead of trying to do better,
trying to get more creative, expand more whatever
it is that I needed to do, I wouldn't do it.
I would just be like, "Oh gosh, nevermind. It's not worth it."
Well, that doesn't get me anywhere, does it?
Of course, I do think that having feelings of, you know,
disappointment and being bummed out about not being able
to do what you've worked so hard to do.
I feel like having those feelings is validated.
I feel like you can have these feelings but,
when it gets to a point that it consumes you so much,
it consumes you entirely that you end up doing the opposite
of what it is that you should be doing.
And, it's just making you more angry than it needs to be.
It's not a good thing.
So, that's an issue that I've been
needing to tackle so hard.
Another thing is having instant reactions out of anger.
Some of which I feel is maybe justified.
Some of which probably not so justified.
Things like, let's say, the Kavanaugh thing.
Is that how you pronounce his name?
I don't know but the sexual assault stuff,
that I feel, is justified but then other things that
I can't really think of specifics right now but just
there's a lot of things that because of my anger issues,
I see it, I get angry and I want to tweet about it,
I want to Facebook about it.
I want to do this and that about it
and sometimes it can be done well.
Sometimes, not so well and it's just easier to
kind of chill for a little bit and then talk about it later,
even if it's 15 minutes later, half an hour later.
Perhaps, maybe write it down first
before talking about it so that way you can
get your thoughts in order.
As quickly as you may be able to get rid of some tweets
or Facebook posts or whatever is just.
Or even in your personal life, even if you're just
saying it out loud even to yourself it's just,
chill a little bit, woman, just chill.
My depression's been, you know, up and down lately.
I mean it's always there but you know, you have those
moments when it gets a little bit better but then
sometimes it just sky-rockets, right.
And it goes along with what I said,
sometimes I get so angry about something,
my anger issues get so high that then
depression gets high and then...
Like a lot of it, like, I said I was feeling like
it's not worth continuing what I'm doing anymore.
Somebody else is already doing it.
But I don't need to be thinking that way.
And a lot of the time, I get so depressed that I
stay in bed and I don't want to do anything or I'm
just gonna watch something on Netflix instead,
or if I am going to do something,
I don't do it when I say I'm going to do it.
For example, my filming days, I made them be Saturdays.
I take one day off from streaming and whatever
and I'm gonna sit down and film and edit.
But sometimes I get so depressed,
I get so fed up with things, I feel it's not worth it
that I end up waiting until like, Sunday to do it.
And my uploading days are Mondays and Thursdays.
So, it just gets too last minute and then I get more
stressed out and then insert more
mental health issues there, right?
While I'm trying to not focus on the bad part of that
and try to get better at things,
I realize that sometimes life just happens.
And, you know, sometimes you just don't do what
you want to do in time, on time no matter how much
you try, but at least I don't want it to be so
often as it has been.
And that has also led to like, not taking care of myself.
For example, I stopped going to
the gym so much and, it shows.
I did really well last year. Stuff happened and part
of it was medical stuff that I just couldn't go to the gym.
That would've been a bad idea but then,
a lot of it was just, I don't feel like going.
Like, my brain is not letting me go and then I get
depressed that I didn't go and then it's just a never ending
cycle of well, I didn't go and now I feel like crap,
but I'm still not gonna go and I'm gonna
feel more like crap and, you know,
there's also this whole not showering thing and keeping
up on hygiene and whatever.
And it's gross and it's just.
And it also leads to very cluttered space.
I have a very small space, there's so much stuff.
So, I've been working really hard.
I made a minimalism series a long time ago and it was
going nicely and then it failed,
and then I've been spending the whole year like trying to
declutter and it works and then more clutter comes in.
But this time I'm trying very hard to do that seriously.
And it's been going well- I say as
I look at this pile over here.
At the very least, what I'm trying to do
is once, like, laundry comes in, right.
It's washed, put it away as soon as possible
instead of letting it accumulate on the floor.
So, what is it that I'm trying to do?
It's not going to cure it, but make it a little bit
more manageable or at least make me realize that
there are good things, good things in my life
and stop worrying about all these bad things, right?
Well, the first thing is actually an object
and just so we know, this video is not sponsored
and I bought this thing with my own money.
This is a thing called a Happiness Planner and I
saw this in a video of another, like, planner person
that I watch and basically this is supposed to make
you realize or at least help you remember
like all the good things in your life.
You can highlight your traits like,
your bad traits and I have a lot of
bad traits that I highlighted.
And, you know highlight the good traits
and then there are things like what makes you happy
and what makes you unhappy.
Qualities and habits you would like to approve on.
Stuff like that.
It's kind of like your everyday planner.
Planners that you've seen before.
You have a weekly, and what-not, but
then there's little notes here at the bottom
that say good things about today and what you're
grateful for and what you hope for tomorrow, right.
And then there's a weekly, like, overview that you're
supposed to fill out.
I've been trying to, like, do this
and focus on this a little bit.
I don't know how long I'm gonna keep up with this
or really if I'm going to do it again.
I don't think I will because most of this is just,
really, it's a regular planner and then little bits of it
are about happiness and what-not, right.
And I could've just added that in to other
planners as, like, a little section.
I don't know, I thought I would give it a shot at
the very least, see if it does anything.
And, other things that I started to do is
I started to unfollow a lot of people on Instagram,
on social media and what-not because I realized
that in order for me to calm down,
I needed to not see it and then maybe eventually,
once I start to attempt or try to do my best to
reprogram my brain to not be so
bitter, jealous, envious all the time.
I could slowly start getting back into following these
same people because I just realized that
it wasn't good for me.
I don't know if that sounds ridiculous but
it's something that worked for me, right?
And if it works, it works and then once things get
a little bit better, bring it back.
It's like when people tell you to get all
the negative stuff out of your life.
This isn't negative in the sense like
they're bad, it's just, I'm bad.
Does that make any sense?
And of course I've been trying to take care of
myself once and for all and do better, eat better,
not perfectly but you know, at least
do a little bit better than what I have been.
Try to get back into the gym.
I think right now my issue it that I was going at four
in the morning because that's when it opens and that's
when there's no people but then I realized that my
sleep schedule is crap and my sleep schedule is like
6 A.M. to 11 A.M. which really isn't that great.
And I just, I want to try to get back into the "normal
people" schedule where it's go to sleep at the very
latest midnight, one A.M. which is better than six A.M.
And then wake up eight, nine-ish or something like that
and just have a regular routine which I think would
help better with eating habits and
all of that and I get more sun.
I actually liked making coffee and going outside
and sitting for a little bit and I couldn't get that with
this whole like sleep during the day and be awake at night
schedule because it's not so
peaceful outside after noon, really.
And then of course you know, like,
taking the time to chill before reacting to something.
I already mentioned that earlier, but
that's a big one at the very least,
if I want to react to it just write it down here
or turn it into some sort of content for Patreon.
But really I think first and foremost
it's just keeping it to myself even if
it's in something like this or a regular piece of paper
and then shredding it later on.
So yeah, that's me spilling my guts about things
that I never really want to spill my guts out about.
I hate talking about my personal problems like this.
But, trying to hold oneself accountable.
Anyway, if this is something that you can relate to,
if you find things that are not so great qualities about
yourself and you're trying to do better,
feel free to share your stories down below in the comments.
But, before you go, if you haven't,
consider pledging on Patreon.
You get perks like Spotify playlists, written content
that you won't see anywhere else and
if you go up high enough you get pen pal letters.
And, I'll see you later. Bye.
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