(cat meow... ♪♪♪)
[JI] Hello, so today we're going to be talking about the donor sperm process.
The reason why is we did the video about our journey to pregnancy
and we kind of wanted to make a separate video relating to donor sperm.
Just because there's a lot involved in the process.
We wanted to give you all the details for that
and I know a lot of people were curious about it and asked.
So I thought we'd explain it and what's happened so far.
[JE] So, the reason we needed donor sperm is because you can't just find it off the street!
[JI] True.
Well, I mean I guess you could but... yeah don't do that.
[JE] So obviously the two of us don't have any
so we needed to get some, to buy some.
Typically it's through a sperm bank.
Just because it's more secure
and we get all the appropriate information that we need
to make sure that's it matched for what we want.
You know other couples...it's not just for lesbian couples.
Some couples, maybe they're heterosexual and there's infertility.
So they might need to have a donor, which is fine.
There's so many different possible reasons for it.
So it's just good to have that opportunity. It's just really nice.
[JI] Right, and also remember you can get donor sperm from a person you know.
You can do that.
If you have a person in your life that you like
and you want to have them donate the sperm, you can do that.
Just understand it's a different process than going through a sperm bank.
You have to set up a specific contract with that person or an agreement or something.
Just to make sure you do everything appropriate in that process.
You don't want any misunderstandings happening later on
once the child's born, or later in their life.
So just be careful of that.
But we didn't go through that process
so we can't really give you 100% about it.
So one important thing that you need to do
even before you go ahead and start searching for donor sperm
is make sure and get tested for CMV virus.
So whoever is going to be pregnant,
that person needs to know if they are positive or negative.
Again that means cytomegalovirus
and again I don't remember exactly what it means,
but you're either positive or negative and it really doesn't matter.
It's not serious like HIV or an STD or STI. It's different.
But still, it's good to know which one you are.
If you're negative, that means you can only pick from a negative donor.
If you're positive then you can pick either positive or negative, right.
But it's really important you get tested for that.
It's really easy, it's just in your blood work and they'll let you know.
[JE] Now, I wanted to talk about the sperm banks.
So, you can't really just pick any sperm bank.
We would suggest you pick the appropriate one that has a good reputation.
Like for us, when we went through our fertility center,
they gave us the list of approved sperm banks.
Approved by a specific organization, the New York Tissue Bank.
So that's accredited and they follow whatever the standards are for them.
So, from there, then you can look at each one
and go through whatever they have there and make a decision.
So that is a really important thing, is to make sure you have a reputable, safe bank.
Because if there's no accreditation or something like that,
you're risking it's going to be way too expensive and it's a big risk.
[JI] So now she just talked about donor sperm banks
and making sure you picked a reputable one.
So once you have a list of the banks,
first what you do is, you yourself, or you and your partner,
or whoever is involved in the process of picking the sperm,
they need to make a decision of what traits,
personality, physical, whatnot that you want within a donor.
You can be as specific as you want.
Like for the two of us, we put down every specific thing
we could think of possible that we wanted.
You know, you could have the same race,
or if you don't care you don't have to, specific hair, all of that.
Some sperm banks have different services
that you can upload your picture and they will try and do a match to a donor.
Or you can just check off which ones you want.
So we made our list and we were very specific.
Then you go online and they'll have like a donor search.
So you click on that and then you can go through
and I mean there are a lot.
There's physical things like eye color, hair color,
skin, if you want someone tall, their weight,
education level, I mean like everything.
So what I would suggest doing is start being as specific as you want.
Check off everything that you want and see if there's any donors that match that.
If there's someone that matched, awesome!
Take a look and see their profile.
If you check all of these things and there's no match,
then the two of you can decide
which things are really not as important.
Maybe you put down you wanted...
I don't know, someone who has blonde hair.
Maybe that's not really as important for you.
Or you put down you wanted someone with a master's degree.
Again, maybe not that important.
So take off some of the items and then you should have more profiles pop up.
Now, if you want a very specific race or something like that,
it may lessen your chances of having a lot of donors, just FYI.
But anyways, do that for each website,
each bank that you decide you want to go through.
Then, when we did is I made a chart, like a spreadsheet,
and I put down all of the important items that we wanted.
Then I listed each donor.
I put their number, which bank they're at, do they have this, this, this and I checked them off.
Plus also you get basic medical history,
which again is very important to check that as well.
Then once we were done, I put everything into the spreadsheet
and then we prioritized or ranked which ones we liked best.
So we went through and did that.
Then you go through and take off I'd say until
the top two, three, depending what you want.
Even up to four.
Then, once you have your top two, three, four,
you can see which sperm banks they're from.
Then if you want to, if you want to,
you can pay a little bit more money... well you can pay some money
to get a more in-depth profile.
Which will include different things depending on the bank itself.
But you can get an interview, an essay,
a more in-depth medical history, things like that.
Which should help you pick your top donor.
I would avoid being really concerned about costs.
Just because, if you can,
make sure to start saving beforehand a lot of money, as much as you can.
So you don't need to be concerned,
"Oh this is $500 and this is $900.
Well I want that $900, but I only have enough for the $500, so I'll pick that one."
No, save your money if you can and pick which donor you really, really want.
So once you've picked a donor, you can decide how many vials you want.
You can see what inventory do they have.
Is is high, a lot left? Or low amount, meaning there's only a few vials left?
Then you can decide.
If you want a lot of kids, then you might want to buy a lot of vials in bulk.
Or you can just buy them little by little depending what the inventory is.
Then once you're done, you purchase them...
well pay for that, storage typically through the bank
or a related company. Then you pay for that, they freeze it and store it for you.
[JE] So, there's two different types of sperm donors.
There's anonymous or open ID.
The decision of which one you want is really an individual thing.
There's no right or wrong answer.
What we did does not mean you have to follow that.
That is just our decision.
How we felt about it and what we felt was the best decision for our child.
So we decided to go with open ID.
Anonymous means you will not know who the donor is.
You don't have their name, anything like that.
Just the basic information that you were given by the sperm bank.
Their profile, that's all.
So they're not going to be able to identify who that specific person is.
Now, with open ID, that means you still don't know who the person is
but there's the availability later on when the child is older
that they can decide if they want to know who the donor is.
If they want to get in contact with them.
Learn more information about their history.
Again, we picked open ID just because...
before actually we wanted anonymous.
We thought, no this is our family. We don't want anyone else involved.
We felt no, we want to set that boundary. It's our child.
But then when we did our research, we found a few articles
and it was interesting because it talked about
advice from children who are older
and some of them were from anonymous donors.
Some of them said they felt kind of not right that their parents
took that choice and that right to find out away from them.
To me I thought, yeah that's kind of selfish for me to think
it's all about my feelings and how I feel about this situation.
But actually it's about the child and their rights.
Their rights to know their genetics.
Whoever that genetics comes from.
Learn more about their heritage, whatever that bloodline is. That's it.
So I guess we just felt it was better to let them
have their own right to make their decision when they grow up, if they want to do it or not.
But important, when they're at that age,
they should know who their family is and where they come from.
That's kind of the understanding we have.
[JI] I will include a link down below...
well there's two different articles.
I'll include a PDF itself or a link for those two.
Really we just kind of analyzed those
and it helped us make a decision.
But one more thing.
One of the actual reasons we changed our mind in the first place
is because our fertility clinic requires any couple
whether heterosexual, LGBT, doesn't matter.
If you're using donor sperm,
you are required to have a psychology, a psych appointment.
We thought it'd be no big deal, we know everything.
So we went to the appointment and like I said
most of the stuff they talked about we already knew.
But then they asked, "Do you want anonymous or open ID?"
We said "We want anonymous".
The psychologist and the assistant,
they did not pass any judgment, but they just said
"Hey here's some reasons you might want to do open ID.
It might be a better option."
From their experience working with people who have been in that type of family.
Then after that it kind of got us thinking
and understand this was a really hard decision.
It wasn't like an instantaneous we changed our minds.
No, it took a lot of research.
A lot of just kind of looking into ourselves
and understand, whatever you decide, don't make a decision right away.
Do your research and really look into your heart
and decide what's best for you and your family.
Just know that the two of us as a couple...
it's not about us and our feelings.
It's about the child's feelings. Always remember that.
Sometimes it's really scary
or you might feel, well this is my child,
but think about the kid first.
So, that's all I'm saying.
But again no judgment if you decide you want an anonymous donor.
That's up to you. We're just trying to give you as much information as possible.
I would suggest if your fertility clinic does not require a psych appointment,
I suggest if you can go ahead and do it.
It's not going to hurt to talk with them about the different options.
You never know, they could say something you never thought about before.
[JE] Right, and again do your research on both options in full
before you make a decision and whatever fits best for you.
[JI] The last thing we wanted to talk about was in the donor sperm process,
remember if you're going through that process of picking the donor sperm,
remember that... really just to be honest,
the best thing to do is inform the child.
I know it sounds kind of odd and obvious.
With us two, they'll figure it out.
You know, if they're intelligent enough, they'll get it.
But with some couples, if they are heterosexual,
it could be their kid.
So, it's important before you make the decision to go ahead and use donor sperm,
like the two of us talked about
how are we going to inform the child later?
When and how and what is that going to look like?
You don't have to know all the details right now
but it's something that you really need to think about
before you even go ahead and purchase the sperm.
A lot of psychologists have considered that
and research says that it's best to inform the child as soon as possible
so it becomes a normal part of the family.
So that's just another thing.
I mean there's kind of a lot of points today.
Really it's all about doing your research.
It's so important, do not take this process lightly.
Think, I'm just going to go online, make a few clicks, purchase some sperm.
No! There's a lot of research involved.
Like I said, if you have any questions, let us know! Ask us.
I mean we're not psychologists,
but if you just need an opinion, we can give you that.
We are more than willing to answer whatever we can.
If we can't, we'll try and link you to a person or a place
or something like a website that would be helpful to you.
[JE] OK, so if you liked this video, please click LIKE.
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[JI] Yes, and if you want to provide support for this channel or our other channel
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It's a monthly donation which will be down below.
Or you can go through Ko-fi,
which is a one-time any amount donation.
We really appreciate all of your support.
Likes, comments, or whatever... even a letter!
See you in the next video. Bye!
(♪♪♪)
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