Won't somebody think of the children?
From the beginning of time, toys have been dangerous.
If it's not a Ninja Turtle sword to the eye, it's something toxic quietly slipped into
your E-Z Bake Oven.
Here are a few of the most dangerous toys that you may still have scars from.
Thingmaker
Remember Creepy Crawlers?
Sure, in the '90s, we baked our bugs and guts under a hot lightbulb, but the original Crawlers
were a lot more dangerous.
"Creeeeeepy Crawlers!"
1964's Thingmaker, which first introduced the jiggly, bakeable bugs, didn't really care
about playing it safe when it came to amateur insect-making.
First, there wasn't a big, plastic scoop to easily slide the bug mold into the oven, but
there were small metal tongs.
And the original oven wasn't powered by a light bulb.
Instead, it was plugged right into the wall, which could make it reach temperatures as
hot as an actual oven.
Once the bugs were done cooking, you removed the metal molding tray from the metal oven,
using metal tongs.
That's piping hot metal coming at you from all sides, kid.
"You've got bugs!
Squiggly, squishy bugs!
It feels so soft and natural."
When they reinvented the Crawlers for '90s kids, they relaunched with an action figure
line and an animated series.
"With Shockaroach, Squirminator, and Spooky Goopy by my side, I will control The Creepy
Crawlers forever!"
And in the '90s and beyond, third degree burns just weren't as cool anymore, and safer spookiness
at light-bulb temperatures became all the rage.
"We had a saying when I grew up: 'Learn with the Creepy Crawler maker, burn with the Creepy
Crawler maker.'"
Sky Rangers Airplanes
RC planes generally carry their own set of risks, and the Sky Rangers Park Flyer RC plane
was a pretty standard bearer of head injuries from above, but with one ridiculous twist:
the battery pack in the plane's tail had a knack for exploding before or during launch.
According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, there were 45 reports of exploding planes,
resulting in injuries to the eyes, ears, hands, face, and even chest due to debris flying
everywhere.
It was basically like flying a Michael Bay movie.
"Awesome barbecue, awesome pool."
In 2007, Estes-Cox, the company behind the Sky Rangers plane, issued a voluntary recall
of over 21,000 planes.
But not every Sky Ranger plane was recalled; if it had a warning sticker, it was okay.
The plane might still explode, but at least they gave you a heads-up.
Slip 'n Slides
"Wild wet ride, Sliiiip, slip and slide, you can put it on your lawn, turn the water on…"
Running and sliding headfirst into a slippery sheet of water is the perfect way to cool
off on any summer day… if you're a kid.
If anyone other than a child uses a Slip 'n' Slide, they risk slip-sliding straight into
a concussion.
According to the CPSC, if a larger person were to use the various Slip 'n Slides produced
before 1993, they risked serious injury.
Instead of sliding, adults would just hit the ground hard — and stay there, potentially
compressing their spinal cords in the process.
Between 1973 and 1991, at least seven adults and one teenager suffered severe injuries,
including various forms of serious paralysis, and every year since then, that number has
grown.
Nobody wants to risk debilitating injuries from playing on a kid's toy, so WHAM-O wound
up recalling over nine million slides.
Slip 'n Slides are still a thing today, and even though they make it perfectly, 100 percent
clear that nobody over the age of 12 should use them, critical injuries still occur.
It's just too hard to resist.
Polly Pocket
Of all the toys in the world that could harm your children, you'd think Polly Pocket would
be on the bottom of the list.
What could possibly go wrong?
Plenty, as it turns out… if your kid liked to eat magnets.
According to the CPSC, Polly Pocket play sets sold between May 2003 and September 2006 were
at risk of having the magnets inside the toys come loose.
Those would then end up in noses, ears, and stomachs.
But if a kid swallowed more than one magnet, they could actually attract each other inside
the body, risking severe intestinal blockage, infection, or perforation.
The CPSC mentioned around 170 cases of rogue magnets, which resulted in three cases of
hospitalization.
Mattel recalled millions of play sets, and since then, they've made efforts to keep all
of those tiny magnets in the toys — and not inside kids.
Aqua Dots
Whether you hate plastic or you're worried about lead in toy paint, it's worth being
careful about chemicals in toys.
But you probably don't worry about legit drugs in children's toys — because no one would
do that, right?
"What can you dot then spray for fun that stays?
Aqua Dots!"
In 2007, the makers of Aqua Dots, also known as Bindeez Beads, kinda, sorta put drugs in
toys.
"Scientists say a chemical in the toy becomes a powerful date rope drug if it is swallowed."
The small beads are used to make cool crafts with neat designs… but if you swallow the
little candy-like orbs, you could go into a coma — and possibly die.
That's because the toys contained a chemical that the body can metabolize into GHB, a drug
that causes amnesia and blackouts.
Over four million of the toys were recalled, reformulated, and re-released without deadly
chemicals — because it's hard to make a happy toy commercial when you have to list
side effects like comas and death.
Clackers
Whether people called them knockers, click clacks, clackers, or any other similar name,
this toy was nothing more than two acrylic balls attached to a long piece of string.
"The new toy for the trendy, technological age."
Take the string in the middle, move your hand in an up-and-down motion, and you could produce
a pretty satisfying banging sound that could drive your parents absolutely insane.
Swinging small acrylic balls at high speed may not seem like a safe activity by itself,
but the problems got worse when these balls reach their inevitable breaking point and
slam into each other hard enough to shatter.
When you expect a satisfying "bang" and instead are given splintered ball bits in your eyes,
you might not be playing with the safest toy in the world.
These little guys were made in the 1970s and didn't make it very far into the following
decade due to most parents' desire to keep shrapnel out of their kid's faces.
Seems legit.
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