(dramatic music)
- Hi, here's some news.
President Trump announced in a speech
what seems like eight months ago
that's he's pulling out of the Paris Accord,
making a real mess on the planet's inner thigh, nope,
too graphic.
I mean, Earth is (bleep) and covered in (bleep), nope.
President Trump wants to remove the United States
from the Paris Accord, which is the agreement
that 195 out of 197 countries signed
to fight climate change.
And despite being told by his business advisory board
and his crush and corporations like Microsoft and even Exxon
and most scientists, he instead took the advice
of people like Steve Bannon, who clearly just wants
more cloud cover so he can go outside during the day,
and Scott Pruitt, current head of the EPA with ties to the
fossil fuel industry.
Here's what Trump said about leaving, which wouldn't
take effect until the day after election day in 2020.
"The United States will withdraw
"from the Paris Climate Accord - thank you, thank you -
"but begin negotiations to reenter either the Paris Accord
"or a really entirely new transaction
"on terms that are fair to the United States."
In other words, the United States
is leaving the Paris Accord, but we might go back,
but also we might just go to Taco Bell.
Trump sounds like the most infuriating person
to make plans with, it's like trying to meet up
with your drunk-ass friend, but they just keep texting
leaving soon for two hours straight.
Also, this is a voluntary agreement
where each country can set their own guidelines and goals,
so leaving it is like getting a take home test
that you can self-grade and refusing to do it at all
for a ridiculous reason like you think
all the other students are laughing at you
for taking the test just like they are.
But that would be
highly likely, given the source.
- We don't want other leaders and other countries
laughing at us anymore, and they won't be, they won't be.
- Because they'll be dead.
They'll be dead.
Obviously, I'm being hyperbolic,
so let's say you don't even believe in climate change.
Like, what if you make the common mistake
of thinking that climate and weather are the same thing?
Or maybe because we believed the universe revolved
around the Earth 2,000 (bleep) years ago
and now we don't, maybe that's a really good point.
Or maybe you interpret the data a certain way
because you work in or around fossil fuels.
And maybe you have other reasons, fine.
Perhaps the president is right, and climate change
is a hoax created by the Chinese so they can
cancel 100 coal plants and then invest in cleaner,
safer energy after signing the Paris Climate Agreement.
Let's say that.
If climate change isn't happening, things like coal plants
are still inarguably terrible for our air and water,
and are more expensive and less safe
than things like solar panels and wind turbines.
Just ask most scientists.
Although if you ask the president's vlog
from seven years ago that he's since deleted
but someone still has somewhere,
he hates wind turbines, which he calls windmills,
and thinks they look ugly, and he doesn't want them
near his golf course in Scotland,
as evidenced by years of documented litigation
between himself and Scotland.
So okay, Mr. President, instead of windmills,
just do coal.
(wind howling) (thunder)
Mordorlago.
Eh, eh?
Besides, coal jobs aren't disappearing
because the government is in the pocket of big clean energy,
they're going away, according to
our labor expert Morpheus, because of--
- Machines!
- Thank you, labor expert Morpheus
from the sequel to The Matrix, The Matrix 2: Matrices.
Speaking of machines, very serious man
and former FBI director James Comey testified
in front of Congress about his interactions
with very silly man current president Donald Trump,
the (bleep) president.
The hearing revealed a lot, but like sweet jazz,
let's listen to what he doesn't say.
When asked if he can confirm any criminal allegations
within the infamous Steele dossier, which alleges against
our president and his associates many crimes,
he had this to say.
- Mr. Chairman, I don't think that's a question
I can answer in an open setting.
- Skibby dap bap bow and so forth.
Some eagle-eyed viewers might notice
that the other possible answer was no.
Other highlights include the former FBI director
discrediting a story from the New York Times
and other nonsense in the news,
and implying that one of the reasons he took regular notes
on his meetings with the president
is because he thinks our president is
a bit of a liar who lies a lot and would lie about them,
even saying that he's seen the tweet about tapes
and hopes there are tapes.
He implicated former attorney general
Loretta Lynch's actions as the reason he released his letter
about the Clinton email investigation,
explained how our institutions are supposed to work,
and overall just sort of described in detail events
in which our president tried to use the FBI director's job
to leverage personal loyalty, and then talked
like a mob boss about hoping that the Flynn investigation
gets dropped while ignoring how our independent institutions
are supposed to function, and then he took away
the FBI director's job for showing
perceived personal disloyalty, which is not
what is required of our functioning institutions.
And breaking news, nothing will come of any of this.
Damn it.
Here's some news, there was a terror attack in London
this past week, and the general consensus
from the UK seems to be that the American media
is sensationalizing it far too much because they're trash.
So breaking news, thoughts and prayers, moving on.
Meanwhile in the UK, conservative prime minister
Theresa May called a snap election to gain more seats,
but instead lost many to the Labour party, and it's possible
that the next prime minister will be Labour's Jeremy Corb
Bernie would have won.
Here's some news, Bill Maher, comedian known
for having opinions that range from being obliviously racist
to those that are outwardly and unquestionably racist,
casually said the N-word on purpose
while he was surrounded by cameras and wearing a microphone
in a room that was filled with air, so the sound traveled.
A few comedians have come to the millionaire's aid saying
Bill's a comedian and it's just a joke,
which brings us to another installment of Is This a Joke?
- You're welcome.
We'd love to have you work in the fields with us.
(audience laughter)
- Work in the fields?
- That's part of the, that's--
(audience laughter)
- Senator, I'm a house (bleep).
No, it's--
- It's not.
It's literally not a joke.
When asked to work in the fields of Nebraska,
Bill very comfortably described himself
as a house N-word with a soft R, so you know it's okay.
But that's not a joke as much as it is a reminder
that white people used to have different nuanced categories
for non-human that they put black people in.
So
what's the joke?
(drum roll)
Should Bill Maher be fired?
Yeah, (bleep) it, sure, fire everybody.
But even if he doesn't, can we stop talking about him?
We ring our hands and dedicate a lot of media coverage
every time a Bill Maher or a Milo Lahren
says something ridiculous and say,
"Oh, this is how the left or the right think,
"are they all bad?"
Instead, let's just ignore them as
the irrelevant controversy courting trolls that they are.
So in that spirit, here's more about Bill Maher.
- I'm a house (bleep).
- So he said his stupid Bill Maher thing that sucked,
and the audience laughed and clapped,
which sucked even more.
And Bill said thank you, which (bleep) you.
But I wanna focus on the reactions of his guest,
Ben Sasse, which sucked the most.
- No, it's.
It's a joke.
(audience laughter)
- To be fair, yes, Ben, a senator from Nebraska,
was clearly visibly uncomfortable.
You could see in his eyes that he didn't know what to do
because he was the guest on a show
and there were cameras on and a cheering audience.
And the host of that show just casually
and comfortably dropped the N-word
and then thanked everyone for it.
But he should know what to do.
Ben Sasse, you're a senator, a father,
you just published a book about how parents in America
need to do a better job training our children
to be mature, responsible and accountable adults,
and that aging out of touch liberal elite sat across
from you and said one of the last purely hate-infused words
in our global vocabulary, and you smiled?
Instead of saying, top of the dome,
no, everybody, stop clapping.
Bill, I know this is your show, and I'm a guest,
but that word has a lot of history to it,
and a lot of present hatred wrapped up in it,
and you have no claim to use it,
and you do real damage when you do
as evidenced by some alternate reality
in which instead of saying this, I merely smiled.
Your casual use of that word on your global platform
sends a message that hate-speak is okay
and that is not a reflection of the America
that I, a Senator, represent.
Apologize, right now.
Something like that.
Hey, Ben, actually, hey, white people,
we need to be better about this.
The current symbol for white pride in America
is a dapper Nazi.
Wouldn't it be better if the symbol for white pride
in America was someone who loudly and proudly
told Bill Maher to shut the (bleep) up?
There's so much more pride in being part of an engine
that stands up to hate than there is being part of one
that stands on the side while hate barrels through.
We see it in the weekly footage of some white asshole
publicly shouting ugly, hateful things at people of color.
The worst part of these videos is everything, all of it.
But there are always people who just watch.
Yes, it's uncomfortable, but we need to be able
to speak up for people in these situations, and yes,
the only example that comes to mind
is when two people died in Portland for doing exactly that.
But that's terrorism.
Making people afraid to speak up.
And as cheesy as it sounds, provolone.
And as corny as it sounds, maze.
But as cliche as it sounds, not speaking up
against hate is letting the terrorists win.
Speaking of speaking up, calls to Congress
have reportedly gone back down to pre-Trump numbers.
In the past, the high number of phone calls
has actually influenced members on important issues,
so take that, money.
But recently, those calls have subsided,
and during Comey's testimony, Congress rolled back
some of Dodd-Frank, which was meant to reign in
financial institutions and prevent another recession,
so here's the number for the congressional switchboard.
Call your rep today, it doesn't have to be about that,
tell him to build the wall or repeal
the Affordable Care Act or save the Affordable Care Act
or renegotiate the Geneva Conventions
or see the president's taxes.
It can be whatever is in your heart.
Stand up, speak out, shout it loud!
Bernie would've won!
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- Hey, everybody, thanks for watching Some News.
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