[ Rhythmic clapping ]
I'm-a be like Alicia Keys next week.
I'm doing the show with no makeup. No makeup?
[ Laughter ]
She's like, "Bitch, no."
[ Laughter ]
♪ No one, no one ♪
♪ No o-o-o-ne ♪
♪♪
Yo, a taco bell in Alabama closed.
-Condolences. -Yes. More news from Alabama.
It has left its residents --
Yeah, we've had a big week for Alabama,
with racism and bad taco places.
And it left the residents
of Montgomery, Alabama, heartbroken. Damn.
'Cause if you can't go to Taco Bell in Alabama, where the hell can you go?
...tonight here in Montgomery.
And WSFA 12 News reporter Samantha Day
is joining us live now.
And, Sam, you were at that vigil tonight. How was it?
Day: [ Laughs ] John...
You see that little pause right there?
She's like, "I went to journalism school.
She's like, "Motherfucker, I still...
Y'all got me out here for a Taco...Bell in Alabama."
I owe $110,000 in student loans,
and y'all got me out here.
This is not helping. It's not even gonna make a dent on it.
God damn."
John, let's Taco 'bout what's going on.
[ Womp-womp! ]
-Ohh! -Womp-womp!
-Boo! -Boo!
That's why you in Alabama!
Bah! Get her outta here! Get her outta here!
iFuera!
Mnh-mnh!
Play her off, John.
[ Laughing ]
-How dare she! -Yo.
-I'm offended. -Come on, man.
We show animals having sex on this show,
people drinking snake's blood.
-But come on. -Come on, my guy.
Have some journalistic integrity. Shit!
This is why Donald Trump be like, "The news is fake news."
'Cause shit like this.
Let's Taco 'bout what's going on.
This Taco Bell on Zelda Road caught fire...
[ Laughter ]
Yo. My man. Yo, ma.
All right. The second time wasn't so bad.
I see what she's going for.
She smiled, too.
She's like, "Yo, I bodied that. I bodied that."
Kendrick Lamar's not the only one with lyrics.
"Yeah, I got bars, too."
This Taco Bell on Zelda Road
caught fire and collapsed early Wednesday morning.
So some locals decided...
How does Taco Bell catch on f--
Do they even have stoves in Taco Bell?
They just put cold meat in the taco like, "Here you go, scumbag."
Fam, every time you go to Taco Bell, niggas just squeeze bags
into tortillas, and they give it to you.
Don't forget the aggressive sour-cream gun.
Pbht. Pbht. Pbht. Pbht. Pbht. Pbht.
-"Yo, my kids is here. Relax." -"Chill."
So some locals decided they wanted to do something
in remembrance of their favorite fast-food restaurant.
And guess what they did.
They literally held a candlelit vigil for Taco Bell.
Locals mourning the loss of their beloved Taco Bell...
God damn.
Man: Always Remember. Taco Bell. Zelda Road.
Desus: Wow.
"Never Forget. Taco..." Wow.
Day: ...grieving in "nacho" average way.
-Yo. -Oh! Wow!
Yo, ma, you are doing a lot for a Thursday!
-Stop! Come on! -Just report the news.
-Stop adding all this extra! -You're doing a lot!
Ugh! I might write a letter to her manager
like an old white person like,
"Yo, I tune in for the news, not puns." [ Laughs ] Yo.
Day: Some didn't want to Taco 'bout it.
You know what? I'm...
Oh, come on. Yo. Like, yo.
Man: I can't -- I can't eat here.
[ Laughs ]
What?!
I can't -- I can't eat here.
No shit, nigga. It burned down.
It burned down. He probably was saying that last week, too.
He was like...
"I can't eat here. I can't.
"Two times my daily amount of sodium? Oh, my God. No."
Makes me pee out my anal hole."
Day: Others had a lot to say.
Woman: I feel like I lost a family member.
-Wow! Wow! -Wow! Tremanisha what?!
If you're her family member watching this,
you just looking at her like...
"Oh, word? So if I die...
"You gonna cover me in mild sauce? What is this?"
I'm just a Quesarito to you?"
Also, she came in all white
like Diddy in the "I'll Be Missing You" video.
-Yo, the whole team, though. -The whole team is out there.
Yo. Why this turned into Solange's wedding?
-What's going on? -Yo!
Woman: I'm hurt. My feelings are hurt.
I got to go all the way to Perry Hill
to get some Taco Bell.
-Damn. The outrage. -Damn. Perry Hill. Damn.
I don't even know where that is, but that sounds wack.
Nah. No one does. Nobody does.
It hurts my feelings.
Is FEMA gonna build them an emergency Taco Bell?
[ Laughs ] A Taco Bell tent.
It's like the Red Cross boat comes, giving out tacos.
Who's looking out for Montgomery?
Did Trump tweet about this yet?
"I stand with the people of Montgomery."
"By the way, I have delicious taco bowls at all Trump Towers."
Day: Taco 'bout the things you do for the ones you love.
Wait. Wait. Wait. She snuck that one in.
Bring it back. Let's hear it.
Let's hear it and shame her with sunshine.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Day: Taco 'bout the things you do for the ones you love.
In this case, the one you love being Taco Bell.
Woman: ♪ Mm, Baja Bl-a-a-a-ast ♪
♪ Mm, Baja Bl-a-a-a-a-ast ♪
Damn. That's my butt after Taco Bell.
[ Laughter ]
♪ Mm, Baja Bl-a-a-a-a-ast ♪
It's like, "Ahh! Yo, light some incense!"
Yo!
You be splashing water from the toilet up in your ass like...
-Ugh! -Ugh!
Like a cooling pad. Ugh!
Shit sizzle like water on a grill. Like, "Ahh."
♪ Mm, Baja Bl-a-a-a-a-a-ast! ♪
Yo! Damn!
She got the weave the same color as a Baja Blast.
Damn.
Day: Over 100 people were at tonight's vigil. John?
Still having to kind of make sure I can still hear
after that blast of...
Mero: "Baja." A Baja Blast.
[ Laughter ]
Desus: "Yo."
He's like, "Fam, I'm not staying in Alabama forever.
I am the next Don Lemon. Let's go."
[ Laughs ] Yo.
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Hey. We now take you down to Atlanta, where we will be soon, live,
where a high-speed chase
over an alleged burglary has just ended,
and reporters have arrived on the motherfuckin' scene.
What's going on in A-Town?
Atlanta police say what started as a break-in and a burglary
ended with the suspects leading them
on a high-speed chase on a busy road. Oh. I love those.
Police say the men broke in through a window and rifled
through rooms of furniture looking for anything of value.
All they found was great dance moves.
Let's see what this intrepid reporter was able to learn.
Man: Why are you running from the police?
Bruh.
Did you break into a house? Did you burglarize a house?
Hell no. Bro. Get away from the car, bro.
I don't wanna talk. I don't wanna talk.
Desus: You're not really in a position to be making demands, my guy.
Mero: "I don't wanna talk about it."
Also, I didn't know they put --
They got, like, the little mini jail?
The little mini jail. Yo. It's not a game down there, bro.
Why that jail looks like --
You know in Monopoly when it says "go to jail"?
It looks like that. For real.
I'm like, "Yo, bro, I'll see you in two more dice spins."
Nigga in there working out like, "One day I'm gonna get out,
get a nice little house on Baltic Ave.
"You know what I'm sayin', dawg?
Got Park Ave. waiting for you, bro."
I don't wanna talk. I don't wanna talk.
Man: You were talking before.
You were just talking to these officers.
Yeah, but I don't want to talk to you, though.
-Did you break into a house? -No.
Okay, well, why are you in custody then?
-I don't know. -You don't know.
You have no idea why you've been arrested.
I have no idea, sir.
Why you got hair coming out your nose?
-Ooh! -Ohh!
-Boi! -Boi!
Flamed him before going to jail.
You get that roast in before you get booked, nigga.
Nigga about to get 35 years for burglary
but gonna be like, "Yo, I cooked his ass, though."
"I cooked that...though."
Why you got hair coming out your nose?
[ Laughter ]
He should've been like, "Why you going to jail, nigga?"
Mero: [ Laughs ] He's like, "I got his ass."
Man: ...hair coming out of my nose.
Nah, I didn't break in no house, though, man.
[ Laughter ]
Sounds like something
someone who broke into a house would definitely say.
You know what I'm sayin'? Like, yo. [ Laughs ]
"How do you plead?" "Nah, I didn't break in no house, man."
"I didn't break in no house, my nigga...outta here."
Nah, I didn't break in no house, though, man.
Man: You didn't break into any house?
-What channel this is? -Channel 2.
Channel 2... Y'all...
Want to say anything to your mom or anybody like that or anyone you know?
My bad, Mom. My bad.
Mero: "My bad. But I didn't break into no house, though."
I'll be home a couple days.
-[ Laughs ] -You know what it is.
Man: Were you hurt when you were running away?
...my neck.
They Tased me in the neck, playa...
[ Laughter ]
How's your man doing Mo'Nique's Netflix standup special
from the back of a police car?
What the fuck, bro?
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Yo, in response to Trump's "shithole" comments,
the African Union has demanded a retraction and an apology,
but the president of Uganda has a different take.
This is 73-year-old Yoweri Museveni,
who has been "president" of Uganda since 1986.
-God damn. -That's a long time. Damn.
Shit. Damn. That's when cocaine was good.
Let's hear what he had to say about Donald Trump,
who called his country a shithole.
Is this from '08?
I thought he was gonna put out a speech.
Your man was like, "Nah, I'm pulling out the wild snot rag."
"Yeah, I got the wild coke drip, yo.
You know what I'm sayin'? I been sniffing coke and gun powder and shit.
You know what I mean?"
Them niggas shared lines together.
...yeah. That's why he's wiping his nose.
-He got the Trump coke nose. -He's like, "I love Trump.
[Snorts] You know how it is. He talks frank. [Snorts]
He talks about -- We working on a line of Japanese jeans."
"You know what I mean? It's gonna be lit.
[ Coughs ] You know what I'm sayin'?"
Your man's like... [ Sniffling ]
[ Laughs ]
Feels the little fairies tiptoeing on his nostrils.
Y'all know what I'm talking about.
Hmm. That's a fuego take.
Trump's gonna see this and be like, "Exactly what I'm talking about.
"That's what I'm talking about. This guy is great.
Need to do something about Chicago Africa. Look at my African."
Look at all the shootings out there.
They're gangbanging. They're shooting up huts."
[ Laughs ] Yo.
You may remember that fight in Uganda Parliament.
It was because they wanted this old, washed...to step down,
and he would not. Oh, I remember this fight.
Omarion was there and all that. Yeah!
-Yeah! Bring it back. -Uh-huh.
Look at this.
They was like, "Everyone that want to see this
73-year-old nigga get outta here, say hey!"
Hey!
-Oh, shit! -I love that guy.
That's my energy for all of 2018.
-This guy came like, "Yeah!" -Oh!
Yo, my nigga did the...
♪ Annie, are you okay? Annie, Are you okay? ♪
With the white socks like MJ, too. Like, yeah!
-Oh, shit! -MJ with the dance moves!
Nigga did the LaVar Ball spin.
Fam, do you know how confident you have to be to rush
into a room with penny loafers and hop on a table?
With high waters.
The chance of slipping is too great. I wouldn't risk it.
But your man came in there like, "For blood and country."
Yo!
Oh! My man did the leg drop on homey?
Damn...got -- When did my man get a bat?!
Yo! This nigga got a ninja sword?
-He was like, "Uganda!" -[ Laughs ] Yo.
Is this "Streets of Rage," my G?
Look at shorty in the white amping it up on the bottom, though.
She's like, "...him up!
"...him up, yo! Get that...
-Hit that nigga! -Yo, he said you pussy!
Go beat up Omarion. That nigga was spinning on our table!"
Yeah...that! Get his ass!"
-My man got -- -Your man got the flag.
He's repping it, like, "Ah, you know what it is. We out here."
Look at my man with the red bandana on the bottom, though!
-Yo! -Yo!
He's doing it for the set.
I feel like Casanova in this video or something.
[ Laughter ] Yo!
-Oh, my God. -Yo, your man caught that.
Your man ate that chair. Look at the top.
Your man tossed it like, "Yo, chair time!"
-He was like, "What?" -"What? Hold that."
He was like, "What? One-handed."
Randy Moss that shit. What up?
Your man did an Odell like, "Aaaah!"
[ Laughs ] Yo!
This shit look like Yams Day.
[ Laughs ] Yo.
-Oh, shit. Yo. -He didn't have the hands --
He had the hands all hot like he didn't really want to fight.
He's like, "Yo, yo, yo, I don't want no smoke,
but I'm just sayin' I will defend myself."
Yo, shorty got the shoe in her hand like, "Yeah!"
Ohh!
She was like, "Yo, let's cook some biscuits.
Anyone can get they ass beat. What's up?"
Yo! That's somebody's moms.
She took that shoe, and she's like --
Mom...fighting. Fighting it up.
She got the Crime Mob playing and shit.
♪ Knuck, knuck, knuck ♪
♪ Knuck if you buck, boy ♪
Yo, that's the national anthem and shit.
"We busted stilettos."
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Yo. What's up, dickheads? Number-one show on late night.
You know what I'm sayin'? Nothing but illustrious guests.
That's right. Tonight we got T-Grizzy in the building!
Rap legend. You know what I'm sayin'? Reppin' The D, nigga!
Come to the table. Bring that same energy. Grr!
♪♪
-How's it going, man? -It's going good, man.
It's going super good for you.
You out here prospering like a mother...
Trying to.
What's going on in The D right now? How's things?
Um, you know, a lot of violence.
Yeah.
A lot of --
I don't want to sound like I'm downplaying the city,
but that's what's going on.
It's a lot of "crabs in a barrel" shit,
a lot of hate, a lot of violence.
-Lot of haters out there? -Lot of hate, lot of vio--
The love outweigh the hate, but, you know,
but you get the most hate where you're from. Yeah.
So when did you realize you could eat off this rap stuff?
I ain't never realized it. It just started happening.
Yeah? You never were just like, "Yo, I'm-a do this. This is how it's gonna work."
You never was just like, "Yo, I'm-a be a rapper"?
No, look. Okay, so, look.
When I was locked up, I'm like, "Okay."
-All right. Was this 2014? -This is 2016.
-Okay, when you were locked up. -Yeah.
I'm like, "Okay, this is what I'm gonna do.
I know what type of life I want to live, you know?
So I'm not about to go out there and do all that job stuff.
I'm gonna go out there and get it, get to it.
But before I do anything illegal, I'm gonna give myself a chance."
Like, I always wanted to do the rap shit.
I'm-a try that before I go get a bag or get to doing anything.
You know what I'm sayin'?
So tried the music shit, and that shit just took off.
And what were you locked up for? Is this the jewelry thing?
No, I was hitting licks at Michigan State.
-Mm. -And the jewelry thing.
-Allegedly. -Yeah, allegedly.
I mean, no, I did it. I did my time.
"I did my time, so...it. I can say the shit."
I was just trying to help you out, bro.
No, I did my time.
How long did they sentence you to?
I got three years for it altogether.
So while you was locked up, you was working on the music
and getting ready to get out and hit the streets running?
-Yeah, mm-hmm. -Okay.
So were you just, like, writing when you were locked up?
Or was it...
...calling you, playing beats and shit like that?
No, people was letting me hear a lot of shit from the streets,
but I didn't really have no money or nothing like that,
so I really couldn't always call,
so it really was just, like, me and the shit
that I'd be seeing on TV, you know?
And, really, that was the best thing
because that's the real competition anyway.
You feel me?
But I was locked up in different states,
so it helped me critique my music a little bit more.
What states?
I was locked up in Ohio, Kentucky.
They had me in some off-ass little cities, too, in between.
I don't even know what they was called. Yeah.
But I know when I touched down at these places
and I'd rap for them, they'd be like,
"You got to make it universal 'cause we don't know what that mean."
Like, what? Using Detroit slang and they couldn't --
Yeah. Yeah. Like, "We don't know how y'all do that."
So that helped me become more universal with my rap.
I try to make it so everybody understand
what I'm talking about. -Speaking of universal,
you did a joint with Lil Yachty, who's super poppin'.
How did y'all link up? 'Cause you like a wild street dude
and he's kind of like, "Yo, I'm Lil Yachty.
I got beads in my hair." You know what I'm saying'
Right. I forgot how I linked with Yachty.
I think we met off of Instagram.
But when we linked, though, like, the nigga's so cool --
Like, this is what I label a real nigga, right?
Mm-hmm.
A...that just be himself and stay in his lane.
A lot of niggas come around me and try to get some validation
and try to show me that they this or that,
but he come around and just be himself.
Like, he not trying to prove nothing to nobody.
He human. He's comfortable in his own skin.
He's not trying to be a super gangsta.
He's like, "Yo, this is who I am."
That's what I respect. That's why I...with him.
What was the worst part of jail?
Well, I mean, other than being in jail, but, like...
I was hungry. You get hungry as hell in there.
-Hungry? -Every night, starving.
Were you not -- You wasn't --
Did you not know how to chef it up?
Were you not making, like, the --
That shit don't -- It's not fulfilling.
-Not fulfilling? -Hell no. It's not fulfilling.
What was the first meal you got when you got out
that you was like, "Yeah, I'm full"?
What was the meal you were craving?
'Cause everyone I know that gets locked up is like, "Yo, all the time, I always wanted..."
"When I get out, I'm hitting Cheesecake, nigga."
No, look. No, look. Everybody that's locked up
gonna be like, "Yo, when I get out, my first meal is gonna be this."
It do not work like that.
You gonna ride past the restaurant.
You going to the first one you see.
You'll be like, "I'm going to Popeyes."
-Arby's. -Arby's? Yeah!
That was the first restaurant I saw.
I'm like, "I'm not about to wait. I need some real food."
-You need some right now. -Yo.
All right, your song "First Day Out"
was one of the biggest songs last year.
When you were recording it, were you like, "Yo, I got one right here"?
No, I was just like, "This the first one
I want to drop just to let people know I'm out
and what happened with the story. Mm-hmm.
And when you seen LeBron jamming to your shit on the 'Gram,
and that shit blew up crazy...
"Who is that dude? Who is that dude?"
What was that feeling like, open your Instagram and you see LeBron?
I mean, you don't expect that. You know, I didn't expect that.
So I'm thinking he just listening to the shit at first.
I'm like, "All right. It's cool.
The music playing in the background."
I ain't about to repost it
because anybody can just be listening to it.
He probably didn't even turn it on.
But when he got to rapping the words, I'm like,
"Oh, he been listening to this shit."
'Cause he learned the words.
-Did he reach out? -Um, I believe so.
I was supposed to go do an event with him,
but I'm on parole, so I can't leave the country.
-Yeah, that's -- Aw. -Damn!
LeBron couldn't call somebody up?
Who's he gonna call? Trump? Trump would've been like, "No.
No, I don't want Tee Grizzley leaving the country."
"We need Tee Grizzley here in The D."
You don't think Trump would bang with you?
[ Laughter ]
No. Hell no.
-Hm. You know Jay Z? -Yeah.
Okay. He rocks with the music.
He shouted you out a couple times.
What was it like when you met Jay Z?
I ain't gonna lie. My old dude --
That was, like, my best friend. He passed away.
Like, Jay Z was his favorite rapper.
So that meant everything to me. You feel me?
And plus he, like, an O.G. He at the top of the game.
Go platinum in a week. All that type of shit.
Yeah, he shouted you out. Was it on Twitter?
It was on Twitter, yeah.
And that meant a lot, 'cause Jay never uses Twitter.
Word.
He'll go on Twitter for like three things,
post a photo, and hashtag it wrong.
He shouted you out.
That's high praise. You up there, man.
-Mm-hmm. -Oh, shit.
-All right. -Mm-hmm.
What was it like when Jay Z said you had one of the best songs out?
Like, what can people tell you after that?
You're just like, "Yo, I don't want hear nothing"?
How do you stay humble after that?
'Cause I know I would've been like, "Y'all can all suck my dick!"
Ain't no being humble after that.
[ Laughter ]
There ain't no being humble. It's like I got the keys.
Now I'm the one who can tell people that their songs --
When people come to me, I be like,
"I don't think I can take that to Jay."
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
What would you like your rainbow to stay?
-"Grizzley Gang." -"Grizzley Gang."
Ah-ah-ah. Tee Grizzley in the building. Rap legend.
-Detroit, mother...Henh! -Detroit in the building!
-Give it up! -Yeah.
Yerp!
♪♪
-Yo, shout-outs! -Yeah!
Yo, shout-out to Oprah talking to InStyle magazine
about running for president in 2020.
Oh, boy. You were very much against this.
I was, but then people was like, "Yo, why you hating on Oprah?"
And I was like, "I really don't care that much."
Like, if Oprah want to run -- Like, if Oprah want to live
in the wack-ass White House and not have her big garden
with the big onions and stuff, like, that's on her.
If you're Oprah and you're a wild bazillionaire,
why would you want to add that pressure of being --
It's not even fun being -- Like, Obama was the last time
it was fun being, like, president of America.
Now America is like a used Honda.
We got, like, burns in the driver's seat and stuff.
Carfax all...up.
"Yo, you got to replace this trans--
The transmission sooner or later."
"Uh, you know."
Interviewer -- "How do you feel when people say 'Oprah 2020'?"
[ As Oprah ] "I actu-a-a-ally saw the mug the other day!
I thought it was a cute m-u-u-ug!"
[ Laughter ]
Oh, okay. Thank you for squashing all those rumors.
She was like, "Yo, I don't need this."
"Why would I do this shit? I'm...rich."
Oprah is living her best life in America as Oprah right now.
Why would she -- Being president would be a step down for her.
Did y'all see that new cover with her, though?
-A little problematic. Boom. -Reese Witherspoon?
Why she sitting on her lap like she about to get breast-fed?
Look at it. Doesn't it seem --
It seems weird, right? I'm not buggin'.
-Um... -It seems a little wet-nursy.
You might be buggin'. [ Laughs ]
I'm buggin'? Are you saying --
Wait. Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom.
You're saying I just see racism where there's no racism
and I made a career of this?
[ Laughter ]
Zoom it in. Yeah, nah.
They're like -- Yo, like, I mean...
Why are they leaning on Oprah like furniture?
First of all -- Nah, nah. This is, like, uh...
Go ahead. Clean it up. Go ahead. Tap-dance for the white people.
No, no, no. This is, like --
This is actually low-key dope because she's like,
"Yo, I'm running y'all," like, "You're my sons,"
and then she got shorty here, like, "Ugh!"
You know what I mean?
Like, "Ugh! I'm -- Oprah! Oprah!"
You know what I'm saying?
Y'all remember this when y'all see Mero on Fox News.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Yo, shout-out to PornHub
creating interactive sex toys, kid!
You know what I'm sayin'?
We talk about sex toys a lot on this show.
You know what I'm sayin'? Hell yeah.
They sync with your p-no. Wow. Okay.
Nah, 'cause I'm just gonna be clicking and closing tabs all willy-nilly.
"Ah, boring. Ah, boring.
Ah, restart, skip. Ah, there's dialogue, ah."
Yo. [ Laughs ]
-That's the dude version? -Like, if you just want to --
You know, you got a little free time. Now you got to sync it to the Bluetooth.
-Connect it to Alexa. -Come on, B.
Fam, this is wild. The one -- That's for dudes?
My nigga, come on, man.
If I come home, I end up... my Alexa by accident thinking it's that.
[ Laughter ]
Alexa's like, "Yo, chill."
[ Robotic voice ] "Mero, we need to talk. I am late."
[ Laughter ]
Ah! Yo!
"Alexa off." No.
Throw Alexa down the stairs like...
"You ain't having no... digital baby."
Wow! Wow! I just peeped what you said. Oh, my God!
[ Laughs ] Yo!
Unplug the USB and shit like, "Nah...outta here."
[ Laughter ]
Yo. That's why I love there's two separate mics --
I mean, two separate cameras.
So when they play this in court, I'll be like,
"Yo, I did not know that's what he was insinuating."
♪♪
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