What looking so beautiful you look in that evanka down from the Contessa collection
Oh not the only person representing a Trump corporation on the red carpet here
Suckin Sanders. Allo. Hi, Brian. Nice to see you
You've had one heck of a powerhouse dere was so many wonderful incredible
outstanding performances in 2018
You must have felt a little disappointed that you were overlooked this year for misogynous highest honor
well, Brian, look I am NOT at this job for
Awards. It's an honor for me to stand at that podium every day and defend every one of these nominees
That is so beautifully said, you know
I was talking to Milani in that beautiful Ivanka gown and she entered that a little collab that you have with the nation's first
daughter
Can you give us a taste Oh Brian as you know
Ivanka closed the doors on her clothing line this year to focus more time on our family
But that doesn't mean that she stopped designing
I am as excited as I ever get to announce tonight that a bunker and I have teamed up to make a new
cosmetics line and it's called
Ivanka Wow, tell us more please
Well, it is an elegant compact that pairs my signature smoky eye with the perfect concealer and coverup
That's appropriate for any situation
Well, I'm just saying that that that when you're taking a deposition involved of lighting is horrible in those rooms, you know, thank you
So much Sarah Huckabee Henderson Sanders for talking with us. Um, thank you
Thank you so much, you know whether she is walking a red carpet or walking on women's rights
She does it with such elegance and a fool
Who else is coming down the red carpet?
I Spy Margaret Cho our host but before we talk to her I'm let's banana John Fugelsang who is spending some time with our
Sonogram Kim. Hey, John. Thank you Brian. I am coming to you live from inside
Sarah heart soar, and it was booted off cycle 9 of America's Next Top Model and Sarah
I gotta tell you all of Twitter is abuzz. Guess who designed this look
Well John, I'm gonna break some news right here I
did
Now I know that you men are always complaining about not having a lot of options to wear on the red carpet
but you do have some options and
You know who doesn't have any options on the red carpet?
the fetus so
That's why Ivanka and I have teamed up to suit up our future
one-percenters with a line of formal fetal wear called mister feet x
Your little guy will look so chic wearing a cumberbund in the oven
Well, that's how its be
Nominal you can have formal wear for newborns and toddlers. I'm actually John we're just focusing on the unborn. Oh
My bad, Sarah. Sorry, you got me mansplaining. Let's go back to Brian Auger. He's caught up with Margaret Jo
I'm gonna be here and try and dislodge my wrist Brian over to you
Thanks, John that sonogram cam is really mind-blowing
Our red carpet technology has really escalated
I mean, have you ever seen anything cuter Margaret than a fetus in a top hat?
Margot, let's be good. Um you and I have been friends for a long long time. You're a controversial choice to host this ceremony
I'm a lot of people have said this is just another example of the colorization of the media industry the entertainment industry's first you had
Well address Elba being considered for James Bond
You've got the whole cast in Hamilton, you know, and now you hosting this ceremony
How do you respond to critics who say that?
You know, maybe you've just stolen this role as a host from a white comedian Brian
I really listen to the concerns of the white community and it forced me to check my asian privilege
But that wasn't enough. I wanted to take it one step further. So I partners with Ivanka to create white girl
Magic a white LED for duck company that will only produce scripts written by white writers
Starring white actors that tell the stories of white people change is hard but so necessary
Yes, it's yes. So we're talking about white empowerment here
It is so great Wow. Well, you better get thank you for your time
You know the show must go on
And thank you for watching no Access Hollywood now stay tuned the 2018
golden trouble Ward's start now
I'm gonna unclench in three
three
two
one Oh
From New York City into the 2018 Golden Globe Awards
Sit that
Enjoy the probe
a
White to work isn't perfect dangerous thing
Some guys like that bills not many if the women were soldiers for the past hundred years we would have lost world war two
There is no great culture in the West the feminists it's about to be because Muslims right now are higher up on the victim hierarchy
But not a fan of megyn kelly though, I often turn on Clark just don't look at her
Feminism is pulling off a cliff
Bargain Chow is doing the over-the-top
Stereotypical Asian voice describing her mom. And if a white guy does this they are fired
Margaret
Hey, do you hate?
Heterosexuals, let's drop your Asian Dyke kunti ass on this same station
Please welcome to the stage your host Asian Dyke kunti us Margaret Cho
Welcome to the 2000 18 golden probe awards. My name is Margaret Cho
We're so happy you are with us for sex isms most glamorous night
Yes
Over the next two hours, we will be honoring the achievements of men who worked tirelessly
Making the world an even better place for them
Before we meet our nominees and winners a bit of housekeeping to everyone here and folks watching at home
Don't forget to tweet using our hashtag
golden probes
2018 tell us your favorite moments but mostly say what a beautiful and wonderful host I am
Again, that hashtag is golden probes
2018 and your tweets should mostly focus on complimenting me Margaret Cho
So let's turn up the house lights and see all the Patriots with us tonight
Beautiful women are in the audience drinking so of course Brett Kavanaugh is here
Congratulations on your new job judge how fun and I see you got the old gang back together Tobin PJ squee
So cute. You're like the Four Horsemen of the bro pocalypse
Seriously you guys are looking good read I'm gonna be honest
I couldn't believe how hard it was for those Republican senators to push you through
for men who spent decades
Pushing a 16 ounce ribeye through their lower colons
You think it would be a lot easier to push a meat sack like you through the confirmation hole?
And hiring a female prosecutor I thought that was a total waste of time
I mean it took Republicans three days to find her and four days to convince Grassley that women are allowed to be lawyers
Chuck Chuck I kid Chuck Chuck Chuck Chuck
could you
Senator Grassley, you said Republican women don't want to be on the Senate Judiciary because the workload is too hard
I mean, do you know any women I?
Mean besides the ones who mix your miralax and change the balls on your Walker
Wait, she's not a Republican. Never mind. Let's see. Who else is here. Oh, do I see Lindsey Graham?
I thought you were the star of the Cavanaugh hearings
I know people are saying a lot of disparaging things about you like you're gay, but I don't buy it
I mean if every guy who hated women and only hung around men was gay the Republican Party would change his name to Grindr
Oh
And isn't this cute Jeff Flake and Susan Collins are sitting together
you two are like characters in The Wizard of Oz one of you has no heart and
The other is the house that fell on her sister
Susan girl what happened the threat you have brought to reproductive rights?
You need to surrender your lady weapons and be put on permanent leave
Look Collins, you put the whole team at risk. I'm gonna need your uterus and your vag on my desk by five o'clock and
Susan I can't believe you would forfeit your pro-choice card for Kavanagh
Seriously bad move Suze. It's this kind of shit that motivated women to run for office. In fact more women are running for office in
2018 than ever
Which has Republicans asking does she remember where she was running to
Was she drinking? Can she say for certain if it was Tobin's house right Warren?
Looks like someone's magic undies are in a bunch. I'm
Gonna move on because I see how about a hand for the leader of the Senate Mitch McConnell?
Yes
People always say that Mitch reminds them of a turtle and like any turtle Mitch knows slow and steady wins the race war
White House office temp Jeff sessions
Looking sharp, the president couldn't make it so he said his urinal
Kanye and Kid Rock together again
Tanya and Kid Rock met Trump at the White House last week. So I guess interviews for sessions replacements are going well and
Speaking of the White House. Oh my goodness front and center the beautiful Melania
America's first lady and Trump's third
Trump has cheated on Melania. So many times his pet name for her is tax returns
Sorry Melania, I don't want to pile on the most bullied person in the world
Especially with the muscle you have brought with you Eric, Don jr
Ivanka Tiffany, even little Baron made it tonight. The rest of the Trump children couldn't be here. Thanks to Rho V wave
Let's get on with the show to get started at the privileged to bring to the stage the chairman of the academy of lady parts
of Sciences Liz wins dead
Hello
On behalf of the Academy of ladyparts and Sciences. We want to welcome you tonight
And for those of you watching at home, we want to especially extend our deepest
Congratulations to all the nominees and the winners
2018 is our second year of recognizing the outstanding
achievements in the field of impeding reproductive rights and we're blessed that it has provided such a talented crop as
The 2016 election showed us when white women vote white women win
Elections for white men
And those men are being honored here tonight
But we're losing so many of these men to the me twos and the times ups
So tonight we ask what about the men who just need a minute
Toxic femininity has forgotten these men
But the golden probes have not and that's why I'm excited to take this opportunity to announce our
partnership with the Lauer
foundation
For a new initiative called timeout
You'll notice that our presenters tonight will be wearing timeout lapel pins and
Proceeds from the sale of these pins is going to fund the timeout safe space
Housed in the wrestling gym at Ohio State University
The timeout safe space gives the me tune men a place that they can think about what they've done
But not too hard
Whether it's engaging with each other in locker room talk or
Taking a load off as they walk through the potted plants of the Harvey Weinstein gardens of Tranquility
Men in the timeout safe space are given the opportunity to design a rehabilitation program that fits their needs and
For those who can't afford to make the journey to our flagship facility. They can take our timeout correspondence course online
by logging into him stir gram
Where they can share their side of the story misspelled and in all caps
With other members of the sexism community
Time-out envisions a more equitable world where he decides when he's ready to end his time out on his terms
Not the terms of the justice system
So on behalf of the golden probes family, thank you for your continued support
Enjoy the show and take a timeout
Every year the golden pros bestows the honor of mr. And miss golden probe to a second-generation
misogynist
Their duties are to assist with the presentation of each award our 2018. Mr
And Miss golden probes are the daughter of former governor of Arkansas and current Twitter comedian
Mike Huckabee and the estranged relative of vice president Mike Pence
Please welcome Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Mike hot pants
Well, you two make a lovely couple Sarah you look incredible you have your mother's eyes and your father's lack of remorse
And Wow, Mike those legs are hard. They're harder than electing a Republican in California
So YouTube's been tasked with ushering the winners and presenters off stage swiftly and efficiently. How do you prepare for that? I
picture them as CNN reporters
And I picture them as a roomful of women drinking
Lucky for you, Mike. They are
All right
We'll see you two in a minute because I'm about to introduce our first presenters of the evening
from the Netflix series orange is the new black a
Pretty male fantasy about women being punished, please welcome
Taylor Schilling natasha Lyonne and Jessica pimento
Brennick time when it comes to caring about women all of the nominees in our first category adhere to misogynist, Golden Rule
fake it til you make it
They understand that all the world's a stage and all the women are silent extras
From dedicated patriot to protective father figure to patriotic hands-on father figure
These men have shown their true colors despite their best efforts
Your nominees for best acting like you care about women in a non-supportive role our
Ohio state Rep Candace Keller for giving us Satan's hot take on the babies
There was ever any body any person here today that God chose to use who is the least qualified?
To do anything for the Lord you are looking at her the Lord has taught me that
Abortion is probably the best business model in
All of Scripture because Satan as I have learned has always hated the babies
North Carolina congressional nominee Mark Harris for giving us God's hot take on shitty husbands
God instructs all Christian wives to submit
To their husbands you see wives
Please hear me this morning. The message is not from your husband to submit. The message is from the Lord
You're not to ever submit man
Because your husband demands it but you do it because the Lord ordained it now ladies
You can rebel
Against that command
But just please understand
You're not rebelling
Against your husband when you do
You're rebelling
Against the Lord
Iowa state Rep Walt Rogers for using more than just women as props
Thank you. Be here. I'm
Incredibly encouraged about this movie here at the Iowa Capitol. I
am pro-life I
believe life begins at conception
I carry around one of these 12 week old replicas in my pocket all the time
I'm criticized for that
By the left because they think it's weird. I don't know why
Tennessee congressman Chuck Fleischman for giving us Mother Teresa's hot take on
Abortion mother Teresa once said I feel that the greatest destroyer of peace today is abortion
Because it is a war against the child a direct killing of the innocent child
Murdered by the mother herself and if we accept that a woman can kill even her own child
How can we tell other people not to kill one another?
Oregon State Senator Tim Knob for starting the all Oregonians lives matter movement
when you have somebody that you care about and
I think we all care about all Oregonians
I think it's important that we tell them the truth, you know
and the truth is is that House bill 33 ninety one will force our
Oregonians to fund against their will abortions pretty much for anyone anytime anywhere
abortions for based on sex Oh, baby
abortions based on the DNA of the baby abortions
Of babies with treatable diseases abortions for babies with Down syndrome autism and other conditions
abortions for minors without parental notification and
Although there's a suggestion that it never happens because nobody does it
Abortions during the last trimester and partial birth abortions
Ronald Reagan
is famous for a
Quote as it relates to abortion
I'll bet many of you have heard it
He says I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born and it's just really a truism
Well and the golden probe for best acting like you care about women in a non-supportive role goes to
North Carolina
congressional candidate Mark Harris
This is Mark's first nomination and first win
He spreads his message of hope at the pastor and also helped lead the fight for the North Carolina bathroom bill
Well mark can't be here tonight. It was too busy thinking God for being a man
Yeah, we'll get it to him
More states have been nominated for the golden probes highest honor
Legislature of the year as individuals you can forge your path alone
But these incredible nominees have mastered the task of working together as one body to subjugate
millions of other bodies
Throughout the night
You will come to know each of the nominated states through song and dance our first golden probe nominee for legislature of the year is
Mississippi always on the list of best American states to live in fear
This legislative body works around the clock to protect its citizens from the scourge of health care and
Just how many abortion clinics do they have left? Count it with me one, Mississippi
And to pay tribute to the achievements of our first nominee of legislature of the year, please welcome
reformed whores
Mississippi is fucked
Politicians banned abortion after 15 weeks
Though bitches listen up
Good, they're coming for your uterus Oh
Mississippi's really fuck now, the only got one abortion clinic live
Just three doctors today for an entire stay
Mississippi's really fuck now, the only guy on abortion clinic live if it closes its doors legal
abortion
Keys made plain
Through the wind gets overturn abortion will be banned
free start a medic
fuck bodily autonomy
Mississippi's really fuck now. They think these laws will end up pushing in their state, but it will go away. It'll just be insane
Lu
Mississippi's really fun now a team pregnancy tsunami in the state now a third of all teenage girls getting knocked up
Who and another way the fuck now the dead last in has gone graduation now how the teens wanna feed
They're coming they're coming
Whoo, so your mouth was really fun now, I think these balls will end up poison in the state now, but it won't go away
It'll just be unfair Oh
Mrs. Sam is really fucked now and the change is really up to you now, Mississippi deserves better than these
Look we'll be right back
Robes are sponsored by Magic Eraser for yearbook caption calendar entry to erase her
Coming up he's got stormy Daniels best adaptation of reality. Oh
My god, hi guys, what's up, I'm Abbi. This is Sarah and this is Jake
We're some of the writers from LPGA and we're gonna be coming to you
throughout the show giving you commentary an inside scoop on behind the scenes stuff like
This is an actual probe. This is the award given to the douchebags. Whoo
And Jay you're actually inside the mushroom deck, right?
Stop saying it like that
yeah, I was with Margaret backstage helping her get inside that giant mushroom trump deck and it think it weighed like 40 pounds she was
Like her arms actually was getting we're getting tired
So we actually had to help her carry it through the curtain on stage before the big opening number and I think it's worth it
Was so much fun. She's just great. She is a trouper. If you didn't know we have a podcast. Yes. That's right
We do ring lady Fred's justice as a podcast and it's called feminist sleeper cell
You should definitely listen every week subscribe
We talk about a lot of the terrifying people that you saw and are about to see I had 90% of them are running in
Midterm elections, which is terrifying and yeah, we talked about that and what you can do about it
Yeah, and one thing you can do about it is go to our one of our partners websites of both pro-choice. It's
WWV pc guy they have built the largest
progressive pro-choice
Database in the country and they have candidates endorsed by narrow. I'm let'slet's all of the awesome places
So just go there and check it out and enjoy the show
Hello and welcome to how to vote in every state
it's a YouTube channel where all of the information you need to vote easily and effectively in each of the 50 states is
easily accessible
All you got to do is click on your state's video on the page below and if you think this might help somebody else you
Can and should please share it with your friends
The rules are different in each of the 50 states because this is the United States
Of America, and that makes it a little bit confusing, but we are here to simplify it for you
Check it out, and thanks for voting
You
Hi just a friendly reminder
The midterm elections are on Tuesday, November 6th
And you should vote why because you're a grown-up and that's how democracy works
Because the people in power don't want you to vote because that's how they stay in power. Here's how it works
Maybe you never voted before you think it'll be hard like taxes or you think it won't make a difference
Or do you think midterms are boring or you think I'm boring first off rude second off your vote makes a huge difference
and
I know you hear that all the time, but a lot of these elections are decided by a handful of votes
The good news is voting is easy
This is a very bad coffee step 1 get registered online at vote org
Even if you think you're registered do me a favor and double check because sometimes people go a funny prank called voter suppression
10 me a dweeb a D. I got you water
God bless america
Step 2 find your polling place, you might even be a weird room kind of like this one
Oh, and if you can't get to the polls mail a ballot in can't find a snail. Yes, you can
Personally, I like going to polls on the big day
Step 3. Whoa, it's not a test
It's okay to look at your phone or bring a cheat sheet or just leave stuff blank
Just vote for whoever you think is the right choice after all it's a free country
for now
Oh because you can but because old rich people have all the power but your vote counts just as much as theirs does
Oh because it's your chance to make yourself matter in a world. That doesn't want you to matter
Well, because the more people vote the better democracy works. It's that easy
How to vote
You're ready set and raring to participate in the electoral process
Your Enthusiasm is great, but if you want to make your vote count
You'll need to know where to go and what to do
You will need
registration confirmation
information about your local polling place a calendar a
Government-issued ID or suitable alternative a portable source of entertainment and an opinion
optional a love of democracy
step 1
triple check your information
Put Election Day on your calendar and use a site like can I vote not to work to confirm that you're actually registered then?
Check your state's website to make sure you know where your proper polling place is how to get there and it's ours
step 2
Let your boss or professor know if you plan to vote before or during work or school hours
Since the voting process can take some time
Giving a heads up to the powers that be can save you a lot of grief later on
Step 3 bring documentation that will establish your right to vote each state's regulations differ
So look up your local rules on vote for one one org
Some places require you to present a government-issued ID like a driver's license or passport
While others send you a voter ID card after you register
Some places will let you use other documentation like a utility bill bank statement or paycheck as well
Step 4. A lot of people want to make their voice heard
So you sometimes may need to wait for your turn at the voting booth
Bring along something to keep you entertained while you wait
Polling lines usually peak early in the morning and late at night. If you'd like to avoid the way cast your ballot during off-hours
Step 5 if you're worried about how exactly you'll be casting your ballot visit vote for one one or two
Familiarize yourself with the methods available in your area your options might include an optical scan ballot on
mechanical lever machine or a paper or electronic ballot
Consult the army of voting day volunteers at the polling location if you have any questions, they'll be happy to help
Step 6 arrive at your polling location, wait your turn enter the booth
And cast your ballot democracy feels good, doesn't it
Did you know in the 2000 presidential election only 55% of voting age Americans cast a ballot I
Always thought I was a Christian. I
Married a good Christian lady and were homeschooling five good Christian kids
In fact, we spent our Saturdays together as a good Christian family
Screaming at women entering abortion clinics
When I found out about man sestri I was excited to log in and find out just how Christian I really am
imagine my surprise
To find out I'm not Christian at all. I'm a domestic terrorist
I just used good Christian values to condone violence
So I traded this sign
for this one a
women burden
murdering
Man sestri calm find out the story. Only white male priviledge can tell
This message brought to you by lady parts justice calm kicking politicians out of vaginas since 2012
You
You
Welcome back to the 2018 golden probe awards
Our next presenter is undermining white supremacy with her eight-year marriage to a Dutchman
Please welcome star of the upcoming series First Wives Club Michelle buteau
My husband is Dutch that's why I called my vagina the Holland Tunnel. Hey
Gas is cheaper on the other side. Ow
It's a joke about Jersey and my asshole, okay
For many performers their breakout role was in a horror film Anthony Perkins and psycho
Amy Adams and psycho beach party and Leonardo DiCaprio and critters two more like critters Oh
14
Thank God for plus-size
Our 2018 nominates nominees for best breakout performance are also making their mark starring in a horror show
Sexist state Rep Briscoe cane for measuring the number of abortions performed by
stadium-sized you can still every single football stadium
every baseball stadium every NASCAR
stadium
with the unborn babies that have lost their lives the United States I
See posters here aborted babies murdered babies. Ooh, some people don't like to see those losers
But I think they need to know the reality of abortion
So person's not fair, it's more on our children
It's we our families. It's our God
North Carolina activists mommy Elizabeth Johnston for believing that supporting a sexual predator makes you the real feminist
Look on behalf of normal women everywhere. Who still appreciate good men
I want to sincerely apologize to judge Brett Kavanaugh in his family
I am 100%
Embarrassed by these disgusting leftist feminists who are playing the sexual harassment card so that they can get their way on
Abortion and implement mob rule instead of due process what really ticks me off. Is that these?
Obstructionists and protesters are really just the women's March have sex with whatever you want without the consequences vagina hazard
Pastor Craig a lot for combining his passion for world religion with his passion for reproductive rights
Don't ever send me any more nonsense
From Planned Parenthood there has never been an organization in the world
That has killed more innocent people other than radical Islam than that of Planned Parenthood
Iowa anti-abortion activist Jennifer Bowen for introducing a picnic basket full of fake babies into the debate
Sorry, bear with me for just a moment
I would not come to a rally for lights about she's a baby and not have my basket of babies
So, I don't know if that's a Helen
I've talked quite a bit today about Iowa's abortion industry and I want to make something very very clear
That woman or that man working there?
they too were once an unborn baby and there is no essential difference between
The embryo they once were and that the adults they are today
And the
golden probe
for best breakout performance goes to
YouTube evangelist Greg la
This is pastor Locke's first nomination and first win
Greg is also known for leaving his wife for his assistant who happened to be his now ex-wife's best friend
Handle is
Pastor Greg couldn't be here tonight. What a shocker
Accepting on his behalf. Is there mister miss golden probe? Mic hob pans and Sarah's down
Gregg has asked me to accept this award on his behalf
But also emphasized no homo
And no abortion. No
Muslims no immigrants, no lip tarts, no trans. No snowflakes. No Swifties. No leftists
Our second nominee for legislature of the year went above and beyond their call of duty by not only
attempting to completely ban abortion
But to also press charges against both the doctor and patient involved
I'm of course talking about, Ohio
Which this year made headlines with their dreams of forcing patients to pay for fetus funerals
Here to sing the accomplishments of your next nominee for legislature of the year are jill Sobule and ambrosia parsley
Ohio
Lawmakers Bechet in Ohio Inanna
Replacing science with the Bible on a night
Try banning all forms of abortion. It's util and extortion, Ohio
Parental coercion well give you just that same declaring a six week beat as a person
Medical waste one
Its vaginal wasabi
So be none when were banished
Ohio Lana
Met crisis is so very dire, Anana
cops killing kids with the fire Nana
This states a Matt's a dumpster fire yet. Abortion is their ire
Ohio Nana
Who in the street of fiction their portion absent if they don't teach kids what to do in addicts in?
pregnancy will commence
within each IV
o
These politicians will not tire soon enough
They said your repo rights on fire, Nenana
Right now we all need to conspire elect those that we admire
Ohio
nah-nah-nah
Activist author and star of MTV's decoded Franchesca Ramsey
Narnia the Emerald City will Khanda great filmmakers have dedicated their lives and imaginations to create fantastic
utopian societies
Similarly the nominees in our next category have dedicated their political lives and imaginations to create
gilead
Your nominees for Best adaptation of reality are
Pennsylvania state Rep darrell Metcalfe for seeing the gay in every gesture. Look. I'm a heterosexual
I have a wife I love my wife. I don't like men as you might but don't stop touching me all the time
So I keep your hands to yourself
Like do you want to touch somebody you have people on your side of the aisle? That might like it
I don't oh hi
Oh state senator Peggy laner for believing a dog wouldn't eat anything it found in a napkin and
One afternoon a young couple came through the door
carrying a little shoebox and
They said to me we didn't know where to go
But our dog was rummaging through the trash in the alley behind our house
Which happened to be the alley behind the local abortion clinic and
he brought home in his mouth a
a pad of God's
and we
went to take it away from him and
as we did
Pieces of a small baby
For some reason I reached into that box and I picked up that little head and I put it in my hand and
I stared
Wisconsin state Rep Scott Allen for connecting the dots between labor shortages and abortion labor force
Shortages are tied to population declines
And labor force shortages are a limiting factor and economic growth
And
limited economic growth poses a problem when government tries to pay for public services and
infrastructure
In spite of this mr. Speaker, ironically
The Democrats continue their effort to support the abortion industry
Georgia State Senator Michael Williams for teaching America about the mile-high club
Where are you getting that the Delta gives a discount to Planned Parenthood
Well again
they they're out there giving discounts to other liberal-leaning or
organization even much my understand there are you getting that's I mean we look I just need to be clear on this because you you
Just indicated that they give discounts to Planned Parenthood members. I haven't seen that anywhere
I've seen allegations of that and right wing blogs. I've been able to find no verification of that
We have people looking at that
Where are you getting that other signatures as well as myself we looked it up on Google and I apologize
I don't know the exact source right now, but like my campaign can get it to if you need to
Okay, I mean just to be clear. No, we have we have looked it up as well and
I
Mean that it doesn't appear
After some digging that we've been able to determine that that is actually factual you telling me that
Delta is not going it's not giving away discounts to left-wing organizations. Is that is that what you're telling me?
No, you told me that it was plan though that I'm just talking to you that not all
organizations no
They're not wait your
There's no indication they are giving discounts to that organization is my point
Again, let's it I guess agree to disagree
Florida activist cat care for promoting the idea of a fetal hoedown in heaven
of justice liberty and freedom
and
That's what he stood for
That's what Kavanagh stand for and God picked him like he picked up and he kept telling me I don't care what they say
He is sitting on the Supreme Court. He's gonna wipe out road was his way he
Kept showing me letting me see all
These millions of babies who have been ordered
better in heaven they saving and
celebrating
Every person but today they had a party in heaven
And the golden probe for the best adaptation of reality goes to
Ohio State Representative Peggy letter
Lucas Peggy laners first nomination and first win Peggy has five kids and 13 grandkids and zero hobbies
Unfortunately Peggy couldn't be here tonight. She is trying to get the hashtag defeatists foraging dogs of Instagram to start trending
Coming to the stage a man be sacrilegious lifestyle plus 9
It was Miles Davis who once said in improvisation
There are no mistakes the nominees in our next category proved that mild Davis
Doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about
Her best performance in an unscripted digital short. The nominees are
Texas State rep Tony tinder hold for off-the-cuff remarks that started off at an 11:00 and went to a
15 real quick
They can continue to hide behind a socially acceptable word of abortion
North Dakota state Rep al Carlson for his improvisational rap about his granddaughter and
His four-year-old daughter was here today. She'd stand up and say thank you grandma for not aborting me
so you tell me the consequences of this we talk about picking and choosing and talking about the petri dish and
In vitro fertilization all great things but what about those that never had a chance to be my grandkids?
Idaho state senator bob. No nene for his freewheeling style when explaining
Punishments for abortion one of the hardest things the worst things we do in this country
Abortion is murder
Absolute murder and and I will continue to fight on that as lieutenant governor and from that position
You'll have a bigger platform to promote the other legislators to support your legend criminalize abortion. Yes
Yes, there should be no abortion. And anyone that has an abortion should pay
Yeah, so death penalty
Based on the law
Based on the kills law based on the case law. Yeah
Minnesota state Rep Abigail Whelan for spontaneously offering up Jesus to her colleagues and
Constituents I have an eternal perspective and I want to share that with you and with the people listening at home
that at the end of the day
When we try to reach agreement with divided government
We win some we lose some nobody's really happy
But you know what happiness and circumstances not what it's about there is actual joy to be found in
Jesus Christ
Jesus loves you all if you would like to get to know him if you're listening at home do here in this room
Please email me. Call me. I'd love to talk to you about Jesus
He is the hope of this state and of this country, Texas lieutenant, governor
Dan Patrick for his impromptu connection between school shootings and abortion Jorge
Should we be surprised in this nation? We have devalued life whether it's through abortion, whether it's the breakup of families
through violent movies and particularly violent video games which now outsell movies and and music
and
the golden probe for best performance an unscripted digital short goes to
Idaho State Senator Bob. No Nene
This is Bob know Nene's first nomination
And first win Bob is also credited with being arrested in the eighties for cocaine possession with the intention to distribute
Bob couldn't be here tonight to accept his award
We don't know where he is
Have a hunch probably fellating a priest and a truck stop in Idaho somewhere. I know the type
Again, just a hunch pure speculation. Thank you very much
The golden probes are brought to you in part by clam bein
Having trouble being racist and then staying racist ask your white doctor if Klan bein is right for you
Stay with us. You won't want to miss Sandra Bernhard the Pro Lifetime Achievement Award and a moving tribute to those we've lost
Hey everyone, this is Jay back with abiandsarah. And by the way the woman with the dog, oh my
She ever owned a dog. What kind of dog digs through the dumpster?
I'm not going to eat it. I just found it. No, Timmy. The fetus is trapped in the dumpster. Oh
It was ridiculous and she holds probably God this yeah, yeah
I thought that the woman who said that the fetuses were having a party in heaven was robbed though friendly like sugar
she earned that you know a
know little inside scoop
So Mike hot pants actually forgot his pants at home and he had during the show you had to go back and do his pants
For the actual show literally in his name. Yeah, you might die though. He was so much fun
He was so much fun. But he was almost like regular pants
But anyway Sarah with we have a lot of stuff coming up the next one
Stay tuned this guy from Missouri. You're not gonna believe trigger warning
But also before we go, let's make let's take one more time to give a big shout out to our former partners both old choice
WWB PC guy we can't say this enough. This is where you need to go. It's not just it's not just pro-choice
These are the people that have souls these the once you want to get in office
Cuz the ones that we're showing you are in office now
And we need to get rid of them mode about EPC guy doesn't vote pro-choice go and drink enjoy the party
I think Brett needs a drink
Only not beer
When I say the word election, there's probably one thing that comes to mind
You don't need a reminder. If you have an opinion on how things are going now is the time to raise your voice
There's another election coming up and it's just as if not more
Important than the one in 2016. I'm talking about the midterms. Let's break it down
Midterm elections happen, once every four years near the midpoint of a president's term
They give voters a chance to elect their representatives
across every level of government federal state and
Local and a chance to approve of or clap back at the people currently running things this year all
435 officials in the House of Representatives and one third of the Senate
Will be decided in the midterm election 36 governors and hundreds of state and local representatives
And issues are also on the ballot. Look at this. This is like
Everything the entire country is up for grabs in Washington, DC
Republicans currently control the House and the Senate and they want to keep it that way so they can pass laws the president
treats about or
cares about
And that they like to if Democrats want control they need to hold on to the seats
They have and flip 24 seats in the house and two in the Senate if either of those scenarios happen
They'll be able to block Republican laws trigger more investigations into the Trump administration
And oppose Trump nominees like Supreme Court judges
Republicans currently have an advantage on the state level too
There are 33 Republican governors in power compared to 16 Democrats and one independent
What's up, Alaska? Everyone is watching
dozens of toss-up states where a Democrat or Republican
Could be voted in. I'm looking at you, Iowa, Kansas in California
you can see why Democrats are looking to shake things up and
they are they've put up six hundred and eighty-one new candidates for office this year compared to
371 in 2016 and
347 in 2014 this potential blue wave of Democrat could make
history a record-setting number of women are running for the house including
Congress's first potential Muslim American women members and three states will have the opportunity to elect their first
african-american governors
Don't sleep on local elections, either your rent your schools your streets making sure that damn bus runs on time
You can influence all of that with your vote
Here's the bottom line the people we elect to office in the midterms decide how we move as a nation on health care
immigration gun policy reproductive rights the environment
Equal right mental health taxes student loan debt and the economy. I mean like did I forget anything?
Okay, if you're still thinking does my vote really matter
Yeah, it does
Our generation has more power to shape what this country looks like and what we believe in than ever
Before if we don't show up the things we care about
Don't show up either and the people who represent us won't truly reflect America. So bring your friends
Bring your mom bring your grandparents that dude down the street your fun aunt bring a plus-one with you to the polls this November
Six now, you know now we vote
Can I get your attention, please
The time is now this is the last weekend to save our democracy the midterm elections
This year are really important. It's up to me and up to us to do everything
We can do the last weekend before midterm elections is our last chance
This is the last weekend. Give it our all to do everything we can our
Democracy works best when more people participate and you are the people the most effective way to make sure that voters
Turnout is actually talking to them face to face or on the phone in the days leading up to an election
Are you ready to do more this year than just vote?
We need you to knock on doors to pick up the phone and call voters get out in your communities volunteer
There's so much at stake. I'll be volunteering my time on the last weekend. Where will you be don't just vote this year
volunteer volunteer volunteer
We're counting on you. It's the most fun you can have while saving our democracy
Hi, I'm Jane Fonda, I'm Lily Tomlin, I'm rashida Jones do you care about gun control?
Women's health income inequality the environment healthcare and I call my dentist back
I've already six months late on my annual cleaning Rasheeda. Oh, no, is that a toothache Rasheeda?
Come on, this is important. You're right. Yeah, I know our democracies at stake. I'm sorry I do
Have a great dentist, by the way, I'll give you her number one. We're done. Are you hearing my thoughts?
It's not important. Just get back to your lines, please
Uh voter turnout during midterms is historically terrible with nearly half the voters compared to years with presidential
Elections and that's just not gonna work this November Wow
I can't believe we're still fighting to protect basic human rights and the planet. I'm exhausted. You're exhausted
I've been fighting for six decades
We gotta get people to volunteer to make sure other people vote thinking we're gonna lie down somewhere maybe with a beach
Very good, sir. Sorry, are you are you two talking to each other with your minds? No, yes
Okay, look we know it's hard. You might feel unsure about what power you really have. But we've seen unprecedented
Progressive momentum all over the country in the past year because you spoke out you marched you
Participated but we cannot get complacent. Remember how you all felt on November 9th
2016 did you lie awake wondering what you could have done during those final critical days before that last election and if you had another
Chance what more you would do next time well now is the time we really need you to volunteer
Starting now, but particularly during the last weekend before the midterms. Don't just vote this year
Volunteer thank you. I
Wonder what that is on the bottom of Jane and Lily shoes. I
Knew it
Honestly, I don't even want you to tell me how you do that it is freaky and I'm super into it
Can you hear me? Yes
You
Welcome back to the 2018 golden probe awards coming to the stage feminist buzzkill
Hmm
Man's curiosity
goes back to the dawn of time and
So does the scientific understanding of our next nominees?
In the category of Best Original science your nominees are
Missouri state Rep Mike moon for actually gutting poultry while discussing abortion who even called back for the special session for
the primary purpose of
supporting life
Protecting the unborn specifically and I think we need to get to the heart of the matter here
So today I'm filing a bill that will
Lead to the stopping of abortion in the state of Missouri, and I hope they'll support it. So stay tuned for more details
Wyoming congresswoman Liz Cheney for creating new realities around abortion
we are on this floor today talking about a bill that will protect babies who are born alive after abortions the
Shameful behavior. Is that on the other side of the aisle? They want to talk politics. They want to talk posturing
They want to talk process. They don't want to talk about babies who are born alive after abortion
I know why they don't want to talk about it because it's uncomfortable. They would rather ignore that. It's actually happening. Mr
Speaker New Jersey Congressman Chris Smith for creating a link between malnourishment and the abortion pill
Abortion is violence against children
It dismembers a child if decapitates a child it chemically poises a child and one of our earlier speakers talking about are you?
46 and how a teleMed abortions are being promoted by Planned Parenthood
Are you 46 actually operates in two ways the first chemical starves the baby to death?
So the child in utero the child in the womb simply cannot get nourishment to continue living and the second
Chemical brings out the the expulsion of that baby who was usually dead but not always New Hampshire state Rep
Jeanine not her for reimagining the uterus as a skateboard park
Kind of a writing up the uterine wall playing I think I had a child that was an avid soccer player in future
I mean, it's unbelievable
I think that's what the word means taught her. And I know because I'm her that he sucked I
Saw my baby crying on the sonogram
Look he's opening a mouth. I said, oh I this was my fifth child. I know what time baby looks like. Yeah
The golden probe for Best Original science goes to
Missouri state Rep Mike moon
This is my twins first nomination
And first win Mike is also known for advocating for the legalization of twelve-year-old child brides Oh
Mike so wishes that he could be here today to accept this award, but he's filming his upcoming video
Explaining the dangers of Merak marriage equality while dick deep and a fellow swine carcass
Congratulations, Mikey
The next state nominated for legislature of the air has quite a big reputation
The Lone Star State has always been ahead of the curve when it comes to protecting women from themselves
and in Texas relieving people of the burden of bodily autonomy has always been
Priority numero uno Wow, excuse me priority number one. Sorry. This is America
So, let's press one for English and welcome to the stage, Abby Holland
Ecstasy the best place to be a woman if you're looking for some control
Me and my friends at the State House of passing laws till abortion is our logo
Come over instead up the Sybil debate and trust me. I will give you a chance
When it comes to your body we have autonomy and will never change our stance. I'll go in like pregnant teens
We are the girl your feet wasn't made for a body like me
Come on, now follow my lead. Meaning abortion must mind
Please say your parents don't con stand up to a judge and book. That's body on trial
The only way you can proceed if attention sighs, that's what you need
They're obsessed with enzyme
Talk abortion. That's what we do joke has 20 weeks. No procedure boil. We're obsessed with your body
Because of laws you have to drive over a hundred and fifty miles. You may go to a clinic that's on you
We're obsessed with your body
We call the shots for your body
We want to own your body
Where success is your body
Every day with the booze and something new we're obsessed
and we spend all your taxes and restricting a bush and so there's no money left a
Water is taxing. Income of monoxide in the air is clogging our chests week
I talk about hours and hours about our uninsured kids in our education budgets a mess
But we will not pause to make restrictive laws on abortion, excess
I'm going a girl
You know
We are the good
Yo bake was an Eightball off buddy likely come on now follow
My lead need an abortion must mind me steak. You must listen to us. We know what Liz
All that you are us. Come on don't make up us your judgment. We cannot trust
If you want an abortion do then it is that you need are to a bunch of Hoops is what your dumb through
We're obsessed with your body
Insurance you cannot spend full of pregnancy you can do anything to a clinic that's on you
We're obsessed with your body
Like all the shots for your body
We wanna own your body
We're obsessed with your body every day we're bubbles is something new for
Your host Margaret Cho
The golden probes pro lifetime-achievement award is named for the late marta
Vassilis m Schlafly
This honor is given to a person or organization that has made a lasting impact in areas that are none of their business
here to tell you more about our
2018 honoree is best-selling author and enemy of toxic masculinity. Dr. Willie Parker
On behalf of the lady of the academy of lady parts and sciences
It is my honor to present the Phyllis Schlafly Pro Lifetime Achievement Award to E
Scott Lloyd the Trump Administration's director of the Office of refugee settlement
Lloyd is a true renaissance man with an ideology not seen since the Middle Ages
Where there's trying to unburden women from the pleasure of sex or unburden families from a better life
Scott Lloyd never misses an opportunity to insert himself into the lives of those who don't need it most
His dedicated himself to fortune in a path for women making it easier for them to pursue the future that he is chosen for them
So let's take a moment to get to know the man behind the detention center mirror
Wherever it's possible
we need to do everything that we can to protect the dignity of human life from conception through natural death and
Aside from a sabbatical to take his girlfriend to have her abortion
Scott Lloyd has dedicated his life and career to creating an abortion free world for every woman. He didn't impregnate
Immediately upon graduation this young upstart used his law degree from
Catholic University to merge church and state
Forming legal works apostolate a boutique law firm that quote takes cases
Consistent with our deep and abiding concern for the right to life and the sacramental nature of marriage
While many credit jules verne as the father of science fiction it was Scott Lloyd who took the concepts of science and
Fiction and turned them into a job with the Bush administration
it was there that Lloyd's brand of unscientific medical musings first became policy with his
2008 conscience rule this was historic
Finally doctors and pharmacists could deny filling birth control prescriptions on the basis of their morality
emancipating them from the burden of medical ethics
Shortly thereafter Scott Lloyd was replaced early in the Obama administration
Nevertheless he persisted he continued his focus on women in the private sector with blog posts
recruiting others to join his mission
You see Scott Lloyd doesn't just see himself as a woman's chief operating officer
He wants everyone to have the opportunity to weigh in on her health care decisions. I
suggest that the American people make a deal with women Lloyd proposed in 2009
so long as you are using the condom pill or patch I am providing with my
You are going to promise not to have an abortion if the contraception fails which it often does
It was these kinds of deals that in
2017 caught the eye of Donald J Trump who brought him in as director of the office of refugee resettlement
Now Scott Lloyd is not only an unqualified healthcare policy maker. Mr. Lloyd. Do you have medical training of any kind? I
am
if I if I need advice regarding any medical situation regarding any populations
I serve I consult the medical. So the answer is no you don't have a medical training of any kind
He's also an unqualified
refugee policy maker
Mr. Lloyd, do you believe that a woman's constitutional right to abortion depends on her immigration status?
yes, or no any number of Rights depend on
Where they stand in terms of our immigration system, I'll take that as a no
But Lloyd didn't let a few naysayers shake his confidence
typical liberals only focused on his rocky start at our our
But totally ignored his meticulous system of tracking every single
undocumented minor who requested access to an abortion as the New York Times reports
He has instructed his staff to give him a spreadsheet each week that tells him about any
unaccompanied minors who have asked for one and how far along they are in their pregnancy and
He took that personal dedication one step further
taxpayer expense
He apparently flew himself down to Texas from Washington DC
So he could personally intervene with a pregnant
Undocumented teenager in a shelter run by the federal government to try to pressure her into not having an abortion
Jane Doe as she is known was an undocumented minor who came to this country to escape the rapist who impregnated her
She set up everything she needed to access her abortion from her detention center
And Scott Lloyd was there blocking that access every step of the way
Is there any circumstance where you would find that an abortion isn't in the best interest of a minor? I don't know
It has not happened yet
No, even after attempts to stop her by Lloyd and other men including he to survivor Brett
Kavanaugh Jane Doe ended her pregnancy
but the work continues
Jane Doe may not have followed his guidance
but this intrepid womb Raider continues to share his riches of
Inexperience with other immigrant teens and shows no signs of letting up
When the going gets tough you just the tucky going I guess
Scott Lloyd
His unyielding dedication to changing the lives of people in ways. They never asked for earned him the
2018 Phylis in Schlafly Pro Lifetime Achievement Award
Scot Lords being detained and he couldn't be here tonight to accept this award
However accepting on his behalf is the woman who spent the 4th of July mounting Lady Liberty
Here tonight is immigrant rights activist Patricia. Oh c'mon
Thank you, I am honors car chose me to deliver his message his remarks tonight
As a person with a uterus an immigrant from a shithole country I
Represent the majority of his focus a
Focus so intense I had to climb the Statue of Liberty to escape it
Scot wanted you to know he is honored to have his work at the office of refugee
resettlement
recognized
He had plan on being here tonight with families he worked so hard to resettle
But unfortunately, he doesn't know where they are
He will never stop saying he's looking for them, thank you
He's here tonight representing straight white dudes and she has forsaken the marriage bed of a man
Please welcome Jordan Klepper and Sandra, Bernhard
To have the opportunity to represent the American people and then completely let them down is a
privilege only a select few will ever have and
when privilege comes responsibility
And that responsibility is to maintain that privilege
For outstanding under performance by a legislator in a leading role. The nominees are
Oklahoma u.s
Senator James Lankford for making the leap from equine carnage to pregnancy termination
we spend time talking about humane treatment of animals being put down like in horse slaughter and
We completely miss
Children being ripped apart in the womb and
their body parts being sold
Pennsylvania state Rep Mike Kelly for redefining god as a branch of government
I know there is a law that says they have the right to make that decision
It may be legal, but I don't think it's right
As far as giving a gift to the half a million or so people there in Washington today and the pro-life March
This is not a gift from the Republican Party to these people. This is a gift from our Creator himself on reproduction
Iowa Congressman Steve King for providing color commentary of an ultrasound at a congressional hearing
So man, you are awesome
some there proceeded with the procedure of the ultrasound and
We happen to have put that up on tape so you can see this in a in a compressed form, right?
There's a good shot at him
Looks like rocky on the top of the steps
Move that arm. Will you Lincoln suck your thumb? Okay
Yeah, that thumb was good, but I
Can't wait to be born and see what this world's like out here. There he is again
Watch Lincoln here. Now. He's munching away or else on his hand. That little guy is
I'm partial to Lincoln myself. I like that name that says a lot about freedom and emancipation
I
heard star Parker's testimony about the
emancipation of the slaves and it's time to emancipate and
every little unborn, baby
Minnesota congressman Jason Lewis for thinking he showed some restraint as a talk radio host read right now
we have prepaid medicine if I tell you if I'm Sandra Fluke and I say I
Don't want to pay for my condoms. I want you to pay for them that has nothing to do with insurance
That's first dollar prepaid medicine. That's going to jack up the cost for everybody. It's not insurance for a catastrophic event
She is a parasite
I'm not gonna call it a slut
But I will call her parents on Idaho State Senator Dan Foreman for dismissing constituents in a hallway
instead of an elevator abortion
Lord have mercy and
the golden probe for outstanding underperformance by a legislature in a leading role goes to
idaho state
senator dan form
That is this is Dan Foreman's first nomination and first win
He also believes that the earth is actually cooling and endorsed a congressional candidate who has written three books about the rapture
Dan couldn't be here tonight, and we are honored to accept on his behalf. Actually actually Sandra
Dan has asked me to say a few words on his behalf
Abortion is murder. I am a Roman Catholic. I am a conservative Republican and I think what you guys do stinks
Well, that's your choice. Yeah, you're damn, right? That's my choice. Sandy. So stay out of my office
quote
Please welcome a woman who documented the Yeti pubes of the current occupant of the White House in her New York Times bestseller full disclosure
stormy Daniels
Tonight as we celebrate together, we also take a moment to mourn the many legends. We lost this past year
Each and every one was a cherished member of the patriarchy
Whether it was a congressman who lost his job to accusations of harassment or a senator
Who will lost his job to accusations of harassment each and every one?
Was a harasser in their own, right?
so, please
Let's all take a moment to pay tribute to the harasser that we've lost
Congressman Trent frames resigned after offering female staffers five million dollars to carry a child for him and his wife
Congressman Blake Farenthold resigned after using 84 thousand of taxpayer money to settle with the staffer he assaulted
State Rep Nick Starr
Resigned after catfishing several men on Instagram using nude photos of his ex-girlfriend
State senator Ralph Shorty anti-abortion crusader resigned after being caught with an underage boy in his hotel room
Congressman Tim Murphy
100% anti-abortion voting record resigned after repeatedly urging his mistress to get an abortion
State Rep Tony Cornish resigned after soliciting a fellow rep for sex over text and abusing his ex-wife
Senator Brice Marlatt resigns after being charged with sexual battery of his female uber driver
State senator cliff hight anti-choice crusader resigned after months of begging a female staffer for sex
Assemblyman role
Bocanegra
resigned after being accused by six women of sexual harassment including
Putting a staffers bracelet in his pants and asking her to retrieve it
Judge Alex Kaczynski Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals and Bret Cavanaugh's mentor
retired after being accused of sex harassment
By more than 15 students lawyers and clerks
State senator Jack Latvala resigned after being accused of sexual harassment by five former staffers and lobbyists
Governor Eric Greitens resigned after assaulting and threatening to blackmail his hairdresser
There's so many more
LGBTQ politician resigns after having affairs with multiple men
Stay rub
The on shooters has been Jamaica raises comments and sexually harassing nine women including three fellow state reps
And is running again this time as an independent now
State Rep Dean Westlake resigned after fathering a child of a 16 year old State Senator
Tony Mendoza resigned after being accused by six female co-workers of sexual harassment
Patty and resign
Still the army stormy stormy stormy
Hello again, a storm is coming. This is Sarah
One of the LPGA writers also up J and Abby and that was amazing stormy killed it
It was a very somber to see all of those terrible dudes Blake Farenthold in the jumpsuit will haunt me forever
Yeah, Trent Franks. And yes, this is a gripping playing. This is a drinking drinking game
There's one in the sea Farenthold. Yeah, I got one, too
I'm a big by the way little behind the scenes stormy was so funny. Oh my god behind the scenes. She killed it
Yeah, as did Abby and so oh my god. Yeah. I know. I was wearing a wig and it was really really fun
Um, but now I have my hair down and I'm wearing this amazing lipstick which you can actually buy
It's our lady parts justice lipstick lipstick called read my lips and you can buy it at elixir e.com
And we get 50% of the proceeds
And it's good at everybody. Yes
You can't put lipstick on a pig
gorgeous
and if you don't want to buy lipstick or if you do
But you also want to give us more money
You can go too late for it's justice calm and then you want to click on the button that says
Donate and then you want to do that you want click it donate and then you donate it'll be great
And once again we want to thank our partners at both
Pro-choice you guys this is a big deal. They have this guide that
Puts out all of the pro-choice candidates that you want to vote for and then and they have info on anti-choice groups. Yeah
yeah, so you can find out who they're funding and you can vote people into the office to replace all the people that had to
Resign that storming was talking about and get good people
WWWE see
I'm winning
I
Say this often and I believe it firmly the moral arc of the universe as dr
King said is long but it bends towards justice and we
social justice activists progressive legislators are part of bending that arc and
The good news is that new generations of women and men are rising that endorse and support women's reproductive
Freedom for women so much of our life revolves around our reproductive freedom and rights
And it's so so so so important reproductive rights
Access to affordable quality childcare paid family leave their ability to go to college
Your ability to get a job and if you want a thriving economy
Then you want women to have autonomy over their decisions that they make about their bodies
our economic success depends on being able to control our fertility and
Decide when we want to have families and it's not just women's locks. Of course, it's their children. It's their husbands. It's their partners
It's their parents
Those are real lives that are being
impacted by this and
It was important for me when there was an open seat in my district to step up and be that voice for people who?
Don't always have a voice in our state capitol
I have seen the growth over my political career of the organizing that's been done by the right wing to stir the
pot to where women
become hated if they
Seek to exercise their autonomy
Oh my gosh, it makes me so mad because it's like the majority of the people who are legislating this issue
Don't even understand how women's bodies work. They don't understand the challenges of having to manage
Pregnancies and reproductive freedom their entire life. It's mostly men
When I was first elected eight years ago, it was really difficult to talk about these issues
People didn't want to work on them
Sometimes I would come up with an idea for a bill and people would actually laugh at me or tease me for a long time
Women in particular have been told not to speak up about what they need
And I really feel like that what that has taught us is that you will not get your needs met you got you know fifteen
men legislators telling women to sit down and shut up and
Get out of my space and there are consequences
When I'm talking to my colleagues who most of them don't agree with me
but I am able to connect the dots for them and tell them the real life stories that are
impacted by the decisions that they make every day
Not everybody who runs for office and says I'm pro-choice really feels it in their heart
And so holding people's feet to the fire is also part of the job
a lot of the work that you do in the minority party is making sure that you can push back against bat legislation and
There is no shortage of that
We saw two bills that were aimed at targeting women's abortion rights in Georgia. Just this past session
We're not in 1950 anymore. Thank goodness
We are coming in and we're not doing respectability politics
We will not shrink away about what we believe in and it has given other legislators more courage
So courage is contagious
in
The past year we have three new women serving in the Georgia Senate and so our our numbers are increasing in
2016 Maryland passed the contraceptive equity act which I was happy to sponsor and then in 2018
We actually expanded that to allow for 12 months of birth control dispensing
I was really proud to see a number of states follow suit and replicate our work
I've had the opportunity to see newly emerging voices and legislatures around the country that are
battling to promote a
Progressive pro-choice agenda. This is not just an issue about women. This is an issue about equality
it's an issue of our justices of issue about making sure that we are providing opportunities for
Everyone to participate in the cross my bill HB
2222 which guarantees all female prisoners in Arizona unlimited access to feminine hygiene products
Necessary for their periods every year that I've been in office. It's been trying to get long-acting reversible
Contraception covered we bring it up in debate and it gets voted down on a party-line vote every time
This year we got it into the budget and it passed
We passed legislation that would address postpartum depression
We passed legislation that legalized midwives in the state of Maryland the most wonderful thing I have seen is not
individual policies but rather a change in the culture in the legislature we have
Decades upon decades upon decades of women organizing and I cannot underscore enough
the importance of
building
Progressive voices in the state legislatures across the country and working in a strategic way together
To move the needle on public opinion and public policy and the fight goes on
Call lin-manuel Miranda
Hey Lin, are you registered to vote whore? I am NOT throwing away my opportunity to make my boy shirt
There's November if we really want our voices to be heard
We need to vote in every election not just for president
But for every office school board state House Senate all of them. Can you help me get people registered? Okay
I'm already on it. Well, keep up the good work. Let's see who else we can get on this
Yo LAN, what up
Hey, Chris
We're looking to feel the full team to make sure every American cast their ballot this November
Drill easy from your phone or tablet to get the info you need to vote. Also. Michelle said so well, I'm on it
There's no offseason for getting out to vote cause you know, not now I'm registering voters
Did they take this 4 million Americans turn 18 this year?
That's huge and we know every last one of them to register and vote because let's be real
It's gonna be the young people of this generation
That will change the world
It's time our nation requires it our democracy in the country
we love requires our attention voice and
participation when we vote we prove that we are a
democracy
with the government of the people and by the people
So every community we visit it's important for them to know they can really make a difference if they go and vote in every election
Absolutely. So we're asking for your help help us start a conversation across America about being active
participants and our most basic American
responsibilities voting talk to your friends and family and neighbors
Tell them your hopes and dreams for your family your community and our country
When we all vote we determine our future
Dear young people don't vote don't vote that I think's fine the way it is trimmed
That was us he's our guy tax cuts for the rich
Hell yeah. Alright fuck climate change
That's a you problem
I'll be dead soon. Sure school shootings are sad, but I haven't been in a school for 50 years
I can't keep track of which lives matter sure. You don't like yourself
You'll like some meme on Instagram if the weather is nice
Maybe you could go to one of those little marches you might even share this video on Facebook
You young people never do but I do I do I do
midterms
Primaries every single election will be there
About you out because we're a generation of doers not whiners and we're doing great
I
Was born a gentleman I
Always hold the door open for a lady. I tell women at work when they look nice and as a 32 year old man
If I want to date a 14 year old I make sure to ask their mother for permission first
But growing up I didn't know much about my man sestri
So I went to man sestri calm put my name in and tons more gentleman start popping up on my tree
It turns out I am ten thousand times removed from Thomas Jefferson
This is my man sister
TJ
Man sestri calm find out the story. Only white male priviledge can tell
This message brought to you by lady parts. Justice calm kickin politicians out of vaginas since 2012
You
You
State representative Dan Kirby asked an aide for topless photos
Ooh ed Murray state secretary of Wyoming assaulted an intern and a babysitter
What the fuck a different ed Murray former mayor of Seattle molested a bunch of people Jesus what's wrong with these guys
Pennsylvania Rep Nicholas micronic. Oh, that's fancy
Was kicked out of his job after assaulting two former partners
Welcome back to the 2018 golden probe awards. Once again your host Margaret Cho
The state of Arkansas is our fourth and final nominee for legislature of the year in
2018 alone they propose dozens of
anti-abortion and anti-gay pieces of legislation
It's that kind of Christian compassion that inspired them to erect a giant monument of the ten commandments at the State Capitol
Showing the world Arkansas has its priorities straight not gay
Help me. Welcome to the stage to sing the praises of your final nominee for legislature of the year
Tina Lee s key
Consultancies don't get a break
Real fancy shit laws deciding nothing
By misogynists in a stay
When you legislate
What the actual fuck
Permission
What the actual my choice and access to
We don't need
Laws designed to eliminate
Only three left in the state
Compared to 35 chick-fil-a's
Which really your fucked-up priorities
What
What action
What about us in our uterus
Audience because it wouldn't be an award show if I wasn't in the audience with a surprise
So first, let's do a selfie. Come on Brent. Come on. Let's do it. All right, not a dick pic. That's not a selfie
Well, actually it is technically a selfie but let's do it. Come on
Yes
Now I am NOT ordering pizza for everyone or dropping candy from the ceiling. My gift is something much better the gift of
Protection so everybody look under your seats
You are all getting booth pepper spray
for men
This is a scary time for men you could be attacked at any time by a false accusation
Masculinity is fragile protect it with booth by Ivanka booth. It's like farting right Brett
Okay, now we're gonna hear from the people
please welcome to the stage defender of the terrorist organization black lives matter and
correspondent from The Daily Show comedian Dulce slow
Hello friends
The war on women can't be won by politicians alone
It requires a militia of foot soldiers. The people's probe honors the servicemen and
mostly men who tirelessly
volunteer their opinions as
reproductive life coaches outside abortion clinics across the country
the nominees for the people's probe are
Mississippi pastor austin pill green for reminding abortion patients that it's not a medical procedure
It's a hex the bible says it children are blessing from god
Peace but a sword
Which into that sword will you be on
Will you be on the end of the sword that is saying come with me? Well done my good and faithful service
Will you be ever saw that as a spirit of a word of god for you beyond the sword of division?
That is the very wrath of god
North Carolina activists on tape of Kovac for calling out the table manners of abortion doctors
They kill babies
They poison them they dismember them and then they say as they wipe their bloody hands
Across their lying mouth. We've done no evil. We've done nothing wrong
We're helping people by murdering their offspring
Alabama sidewalk poet David day for best use of plumbing references in a religious tirade
Look what you do, man
Sleep with men women sleep with women you boast about it how perverted and wicked
Is that what you hate God and you love death cuz you murder babies and you show it
Guys listen to yourself. Seeing has made you so stupid that you murder babies
Every week don't you get tired of it?
There's the babies wash down the same three that these people take a dump in doesn't that bother you?
No, cuz you don't care you care about yourself
Texas Facebook abuser Ryan Roberts for showing the dangers of being drunk on the Lord
Jesus loves you so much and he loves your baby so much
Will you let us help you today? Your baby's gonna be beautiful like you
Your baby has a heartbeat today
Wednesday Wednesday, oh my court date. Yeah
Hey, it was crazy mark. I
Walked in there. I was the only one in court that didn't have a pie
Everybody else was there cuz they got drunk in public. I
Got after I said your honor I'm here to testify today on behalf of myself
For being drunk on the holy spirit and for begging for the lives of babies outside of that abortion clinic at Fort Worth judge
I am drunk on the Holy Spirit
Please convict me. Find me guilty
Ohio's Dave Dobbin Meyer for his dedication to being a life coach and a wife coach. Oh
Yeah, you girls can't wait. Can't wait to murder that little baby
When it's inside you now that may be what happened to most of you but I got a feeling you don't
Like to see your man
Nobody nothing no man. No, man, let his wife come and do this
No, man, some sissified banal might he might
Yeah. Oh
That was a lot
Ah shit
And the golden probe goes to Alabama sidewalk poet David day
This is David day's first nomination. And first win day has also professed the belief that Satan created yoga pants
David isn't able to be here. So accepting it on his behalf. Is America's vulva
Thank you you can you can go now I mean, I thought it was gonna look like mine no
All right, that's enough pussyfooting around
I
Don't know about you, but I am a hole probed out
Wow Wow
Aren't you looking so fresh and sprightly
after the month, we've had and by month, I don't mean how long this show has lasted but
It's close
Well, whatever that life is good for you. How about a hand for all the nominees?
All these men
That think God can only hear them if they're screaming
at women
Let's lift a glass to all of them. Hmm
Now let's talk about Dave he couldn't be here tonight
He's currently serving his God by doing water ballet in the Alabama septic system
He's smeared with shit
And I love it. Let's lift a glass to Dave
On second. Thought let's
lift a glass
to me
Now these nominees have one thing in common they're all obsessed with me
It's flattering now the hell it's kind of embarrassing
That kind of attention could make a clit blush. I
Mean if only any of these guys knew where or what a clit is
And finally, may I just say I know we're not supposed to get political at these things
But let me just remind you, please I beg of you always wipe from front to back
We close out tonight's broadcast with the golden probes highest honor
Legislature of the year as you've seen tonight each state has such monumental achievements that it seems unfair to choose just one
Once again your nominees for legislature of the Year, Mississippi, Ohio
Texas and Arkansas and the golden probe for legislature of the year goes to
The great state of Texas
Second nomination and first win Texas couldn't be here tonight
So I will accept on their behalf
But I'm required by Texas flooded review this state
Mandated message Thank You golden probes for this honor and for recognizing our work in
reimagining Texas scientific landscape and for creating so many jobs in the field of factual inaccuracy and
patriarchy we promise to continue to create laws that erode abortion access from
conception in the legislature and natural death in the Supreme Court that
concludes the
2018 golden throne
Ladies and gentlemen that concludes the 2018 golden probes go out and vote and drive safe. Thank you and good night
Hi guys Lizz Winstead here with ladyparts justice
I hope you enjoyed the golden probes and I hope that you understand how important it is for us to get the information up to
You about just how dangerous these extremists are that are running for office
I just wanted to give a special thanks to our sponsors Ruth Ann Hornish
And of course the amazing vote pro-choice who have the most comprehensive progressive pro-choice voter guide
Maybe ever you can access that guide to find out the people you should vote for
against these people at VP C dot guide
It's crucially important if you feel like I don't know who my city council person is. I don't know who my state rep is
VPC guide is gonna get you everything you need you can access it at VPC guide or
You can find the link to it at lady parts. Justice comm I
Just wanted to say our work is so important to learn more about our organization. Go to lady parts
Justice comm you'll see how we travel all around the country and help grow activist bases to really get the word out about these people
and also that we do
Local events all over the place
So, you know, we need you as much as you need to know this information and just one other thing
Kind of roll back and look at these credits. We had over 200 volunteers
Helping us make this possible lady parts justice is a volunteer run organization, and we really can't do it without your help. So
Finally, I want to say if you got a couple of bucks and you can hit that donate button at lady parts
Justice, com. Gosh, we'd really appreciate it
We're here for the long haul we're here to help you and we're here to make sure that we all understand
What does that stake? So when do you go vote November 6, how do you know the best candidates to pick?
VP see guide is gonna walk you through it. Thanks for watching
We'll see you next year, and hopefully we'll see you out in the streets or see you making change. Thanks so much
Hey spider-man pal Franklin
John Connors reporter Weinstein flour, CK Cosby Spacey
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