our children will learn something from us even if it's nothing when you are
with your children go with them walk along the road and be with them don't
just give them 20 bucks and have them go by themselves
welcome to the focus on the family broadcast helping families thrive well
there's no question dad that you have a tremendous impact in your child's life
for good or for bad and today on focus on the family we'll get some insight
from a couple of dads who talk about the power of a father's words and actions
John many of us know the heartache of not having a dad maybe he's present
physically but not emotionally or maybe absent all together and it creates a lot
of problems our guest today will share some great
examples of the father's influence and they'll offer some wonderful principles
that should help all of us dads do the best job that we can do I want to say
welcome to both of you thank you thank you so much for having us
hey let's go with Joe P okay you heard the introduction about the power of the
father's words let me start with you tell me about your relationship with
your dad what happened what kind of relationship did you have with your dad
my dad was a very good man but he wasn't necessarily a great teaching father my
father used reverse psychology on me which he believed would make me stronger
and I guess it did but the reality is it also led me down a really bad path
because I wanted his approval so bad and I wanted to be somebody so badly that I
did a lot of things that I wish I wish I never did as a matter of fact guys I
told so many lies when I was younger that to this day I don't know what
actually happened in my childhood because I made up this whole fantasy
world and about having the good dad not necessarily about having a good dad
about being a good man me person okay what were some of those lies would they
sound like oh my goodness I don't know I was probably the the captain of lost in
space you know all that kind of stuff and I look everything I made myself look
better than I was because I didn't have a good
grasp on who I was I didn't have a man who was speaking into my life telling me
and encouraging me what a man really looks like you know I grew up with the
idea that a man had to be strong how to have a lot of women and that kind of
thing and that's just not what a man is yeah let me go a little further though
what drives that insecurity I mean where does that come from for many of us guys
it's a kind of a male thing to be bigger show yourself bigger than you truly are
or better than you truly are oh I believe we're hardwired I believe God is
hard well hardwired men to have an understanding of who they are and
anything they're not and and Crick actually the who they're not is is
probably more important than who they are in a lot of ways because we need to
eliminate all those things that society is telling us and really focus on that
which God crafted us to do and if when we study Scripture and we look at it we
can get a very good sense of who we are in Christ and when we do that it changes
the game well and that's what we talk about in terms of being rooted in him
his truth human transcendental truth bigger truth than what we are and that's
what you're driving that's right all right Joe you have a daughter I do share
an occasion where your words made a big impression on her let's put you right on
the firing line this is a great story and I you know basically what happened
one day was my daughter said hey dad let's go for a trip to the mall which is
teenage euphemism for dad I want you to buy me something retail therapy retail
therapy yes it's so and this is the important thing is that I went with her
right and so we go to the mall and we go into and I won't mention the store on
air okay but it was one of those places where when I walked into the store there
were pictures of half-naked young women adolescent young women lying on top of
equally on a tired young men and at this point I'm steaming and I'm saying what's
this about and my daughter is about 13 or 14 and elbows me in the ribs and say
says dad don't because she knows I will say something and so we walk up to the
counter and there are two young people standing there of course you
they're just working and so she says again
dad don't so I put the shirt on the counter and then I asked the young man I
want you to tell your manager please that I really don't like what I see on
the walls here because I don't like the messages it's giving out and I think
it's dishonouring to our children and so he kind of sheepishly turns away and
then I look to the young lady and I say young lady do you like what you see up
here how does it represent what you feel about yourself and she kind of
sheepishly turns away as well at which point my daughter yells out dad they
don't care on cue the young man turns back to me and says I wish my father
cared as much hmm silence and as we walked out of them all that day my
daughter said to me well dad you know he had to say that and I said honey you
will learn that people will only say what is on their heart to say hmm and so
I think it's incumbent upon us as men and particularly as fathers to
understand that our role is a teacher in Deuteronomy 11 18 and 19 Moses assembles
the men from the camp and he says this to them fix these words of mine in your
hearts and minds teach them to your children talking about them when you
walk along the road when you sit at home when you lie down and when you get up
the reality is that we are teachers primarily and basically that's what we
do and my call to men is to say when you are with your children go with them walk
along the road and be with them don't just give them 20 bucks and have them
sit you know by themselves or go by themselves and so what I like to just
leave men with is to say our children will learn something from us even if
it's nothing yeah so true if I can interject here in psalm 119 9
it says how can a young man keep his way pure by living according to your word
but if they don't know what the word says if nobody's pointing to the word
how can they learn how can young men learn we need to come alongside that
these men and encourage them edify them build them up but give them truth so
that they will understand what the world holds for them and when we do we are
leading the next generation guys I'm I'm fearful for the next generation
it's strange everything is topsy-turvy right now and we are not understanding
that our words and our actions go will go so far for these kids to grow and be
who they are in Christ because no matter what we know one thing everybody was
carved out for purpose everybody has purpose built into them
but in order for that purpose to come out we need to be able to help stimulate
the conversation so that they can recognize that they are crafted for
purpose and and I think we're seeing so many people on drugs and alcohol no it's
because they're losing their way they don't recognize purpose in their lives
and they there's no hope there and a father brings hope a man brings hope let
me just give you an idea of the fatherless homes and you remember I I
came from one so I'm not speaking down to anybody because I have come from a
home like that with God all things are possible and that's the key point
looking forward but when you look at the data which sociologists certainly do 63
percent of youth suicides which is almost epidemic right now are from
fatherless homes five times the average 90 percent of all homeless and runaway
children are from fatherless homes I'm 32 times the average eighty five
percent of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless
homes now I don't want to paint a picture for the single-parent mom
because again my mom was in that spot and I think she did an incredible job
raising five kids and we've all become Christian and the Lord's hand was there
I think mostly because my mom honored the Lord and as she kind of filled that
role that a dad would fill and yet man it really stacks the deck against us so
the question in here is why are we at this point why have been given up on
family why have we abandoned our
and then secondly speak to that single-parent mom who may feel hopeless
because she's got a troubled teen boy or a troubled teen girl and doesn't quite
know what to do those are two big questions yeah I think a father's role
has been so misunderstood in the home because I don't think they understand
what happens when you're not there and I'd like to speak about that for just a
moment to those who may be listening and wondering Wow well I'm not really that
important to the home I'm not that really then the
culture tells you that all day long yeah and they feed us these lies and let me
tell you why it's important I'll give you another story men help absorb
feelings and help kids process things in a way that a mother cannot it's a matter
of security and identity as well you know my situation you know with my
family and my wife suffered from MS for years described a little bit of this yes
and so she was unable to do the things that all the soccer moms in my
particular area were able to do because it was a rather affluent area and so one
day when my daughter and she was about 10 could no longer could not go out and
do something because my wife could not take her mmm she just was not capable
she then just burst into tears ran down stairs and started crying and said it's
just not fair hmm and what does it dad do it's not what you say it's just by
being present just holding her and saying nothing because you don't need to
say anything it's not about the words it's about the presence it's about
enabling your child to understand that there's a process of how you filter
these things these feelings that they're too young to understand their brains
aren't developed enough right at that age to understand all these things
coming at them they just don't like it they have anxiety that's what they're
really experiencing and so when the father is not there he provides strength
and security just by his presence and that alone enables a child to help
process feelings and not feel abandoned and I think men don't understand that
fully because they've been lied to they've been told they're not necessary
they're not part of the equation the culture tells us that and so that is
something that is so untrue that men must stand up and have courage and I
think a lot of it has to do with courage people in our current politically
correct climate to say everything is ok whatever you do whatever aberrant
behavior is out there is ok we need to stand up and say and as civil away as we
can as winsome ly as we can know not everything is right not everything is
correct and we need to stand our ground yeah and we need to fight that because
most of what we believe as Christians is counter-intuitive and countercultural
to what the culture was saying Jesus is my North Star period yeah when I follow
him I have a definite line in the sand that I will not cross and my children
need to see that and so the fun thing is that years later the story I mentioned
earlier my daughter called me one day she was with her friends he was in her
20s now she said dad I'm reading your book with my story in it to my friends
they think it's really cool that you stood up and said that and so what will
happen is that you don't know it now but when you stand for what is right and
what is true and what is honorable your kids will process that later on and it
will make sense to them and they will rise up and call you blessing answer the
question about that single parent mom who doesn't have that influence in her
home where does she derive some hope that her son or daughter can get that
kind of influence that kind of steadiness so we we use the word father
say or the phrase father's say we're not only talking about the words from a
father we're talking about from a grandfather or from a mentor now there
are single women single moms in the church are probably the most underserved
people in the church and what we need to see are more men
stepping up to the plate and saying listen let me come along your son let me
help him let me take him to the ballgame let me let me teach him a little bit men
gotta do that they they have to do it it's their responsibility and you know
when I talk to men that I don't have any sons or I guess what you always have a
son that you can adopt into your life and it makes all the difference in the
world right now I'm mentoring three young men three young men who have come
from severe drug backgrounds one who attempted suicide and they just never
had a model in the home of a man who was would love them unconditionally would
teach them and you come alongside them and you start giving them this love and
this discipline in words because we're not so all you know flowery it's got to
be truth and you have to tell them you can't do this this is not pleasing to
the Lord and do you understand why and and what you do is they come back to you
and then they'll send you that text that says thank you so much I tried that it
worked thank you the bottom line is gentlemen
when you're listening to this the show step out rise up and say I'm going to
reach another life a young man who has not been blessed like I'd been blessed
or who is not understanding of what I know right now step up guys we need to
step up that is some great passion from our guest Joe Pellegrino and Joe
Battaglia in the studio as well with us today on Focus on the Family and the
book is called father's say give the gift of blessing to your children and I
love what you guys are saying I'm just thinking there are guys who are feeling
like I am such a hypocrite I can't do that
I mean I've I've messed up so much in my life you guys you've you've got it
together so what can I do today to get over that sense of guilt that I don't
measure up and I don't even have purpose how do I give it to a kid okay that is
that is the $1,000,000 question here I will give you the answer based on my own
life I've made every mistake in the book I have screwed up and you know my first
son Joey was he was my first and and you know he didn't come with instructions
and so what first Born's yeah yeah and I unfortunately Joey had to bear the brunt
of our learning and one time I'm a big baseball
guy I love baseball and and I took Joey on the side of my house and I told him
if you hit the ball over my head I'm gonna buy you that pirate Lego ship you
always wanted and you know he was practicing he never hit the ball over my
head or so I say years later it would always
come up you know you never got me that pirate Lego ship I said you never hit
the ball over my head so this is good-natured back and forth well I
thought it was until I moved him down to Jacksonville Florida when he was 24
years old and on the drive down you know we're very similar I mean my son is a
great man of God but we were butting heads all the way down and when we got
down there we went to Walmart to get him stuff for his apartment and and as God
would have it he led me through the Lego aisle and I saw the brand-new version of
the pirate Lego ship and the Holy Spirit spoke boldly to me I knew exactly what I
had to do I when I got on that plane I went back to New Jersey and the next
morning I went right to Walmart I bought that pirate Lego ship I wrapped it I
took a piece of legacy mind immense stationery and I wrote words similar to
this dear Joey forgive the tardiness of this note for I have witnessed so many
home runs in your life and I'm so proud of you love dad and I determined I was
gonna give it to him at Christmas when he came home so Christmas comes we give
out or all of our gifts and I had this one gift and I said Joe this is from me
to you but before you open it you have to read the card he reads the card he
throws his head back and he puts his head on the box and he says I know
what's in here that afternoon we went by my brother-in-law for Christmas and he
stood next to me and my brother-in-law said would you get for Christmas Joe and
he put his arm around me which was him you know wasn't as normal and he said to
me my dad got me something that he never has to get me anything else again and
from that point forward I've noticed an unbelievable change we are so close
he's a great man of God I'm so proud of him but gentlemen the point is this it's
never too late it's never too late to write that note to send a video to to
speak boldly into the life of your child and simply say I was wrong I'm sorry I'm
sorry I was wrong because God guys I could tell you this I believed he did
not hit that ball over because I wouldn't have done that but he
believed it and therefore I had it be the man to step up and say something
needs to be done because his relationships got a little bit of
brokenness to it yeah yeah I mean we're all get tears in our eyes it's the power
of a dad right there yeah I mean people have to understand
particularly men that brokenness is do-rag or for the Christian life hmm
that Jesus does not accept us because we're right and perfect the foot of the
cross is the greatest level playing field of all time and everybody has to
come there and when you can come there and see someone dying for you then that
makes a whole lot of more sense Sophie I'm not perfect no one's expecting me to
be but I can learn to be to be someone better well and it's so well said and if
you think of the garden we're still there shame we're Adam we're shame we're
feeling shame rather than freedom in Christ and you're hitting the very core
of the nature of manhood you talk about celebrities in the book we haven't even
touched on that you compiled these stories give us one or two examples why
did you go with celebrities what do they show that may be normal folk like us
don't possess what well the simple truth of that Jim is that we went with
celebrities because people are more apt to want to hear and read about somebody
that they know you know a friend of mine says molarity there was familiarity and
that's important you know the reality of having these people who we only know one
dimensionally right we only know them by how we see them on television how we see
them perform on the field or so forth and so the idea of getting people
outside their millyar of how they're understood is a really good way of
engaging people to read their stories and so that's why we chose what's an
example of one or two that really popped for you guys my favorite is Corbin
Bernsen LA law and he talks about his father he starts off by saying this is
not a man that should be in a book like this but what he taught us is that no
matter how difficult or disconnected the father
might be there are always some great teaching words that can come from it and
that's what Corbin he learned when his father would say don't blame others for
your failures and that impacted him mightily because because of his father
struggles with fidelity his mother took to the bottle and because of that the
mother was disconnected from him and he was upset with his mother and his father
said this out of the blue and it just impacted him tremendously and again the
power of words and here's a man who has been very successful in life but he
recognized that there was a major nugget there and I also loved the fact that he
was so honest about it he spoke boldly about his father he
loved his father but the reality was he wasn't a great dad what sticks out for
you would stir well I like Delilah's story she is an incredible that's the
radio that's the radio host yes and most people just know her as you know the
subtle 7:00 to midnight evening host but she is an amazing
believer and a strong Christian and which he has done to personally save
orphans in a refugee camp in Ghana is a movie in of itself and it's just amazing
but with her dad that it was really grassroots and he she remembers him
saying I can't means you won't that's what sticks out and so the reality of
don't tell me you can't because it's really about you won't and the issue of
men stepping forward to saying well I can't do that is really more about I
won't do that and I think when we talk to men the opportunity to say oh well I
can't do that because I'm busy I'm playing golf or I'm you know out with
the boys or I can't because you know I'm just too busy at work or whatever the
reality is a priority will always take priority over everything and so the
obvious is really obvious here and so to me it always resonates when I say well I
can't that always comes back to me well I really I can't or is it because I
won't what is the response to Bill that God has called me to well I think
we're all feeling a bit of that guilt right now because there's things that I
wish I wouldn't have done last weekend like take too much time on some of the
chores rather than with the boys at the end here how do we tie this in a bow for
the guys that this is real life this is what happens I am working hard I do
travel a lot I I am distracted from my core mission of raising my sons or my
daughters give it to me I try me by the ears what I would love to see is for
people to recognize that the world is telling them what men are supposed to do
and when they do they're putting men down there holding that the reality is
we would love to see a movement of people coming out and telling their
story about the power of a man's words in their life if we could start doing
that we could start really encouraging men to recognize and step up - it's
great to be a dad it's great to be a man but you know what we need to encourage
them and your words listeners your words are the ones that are gonna make it
happen encourage them let them know that their words matter let them know that it
makes a difference in this world because the greatest problem in the world today
are men who have abdicated their role as leaders husbands and fathers and we need
to step up to the plate let's do it football coach I'm ready to go I'm just
like there was a football coach I had in high school grabbed me by the facemask
called me out said if you're gonna be the quarterback you finished the wind
sprints first and that I'm telling you when I'm feeling low that scene that
story comes back to my 16 year old presence you know of that coach grabbing
me yank in my head probably illegal today but did you get my attention just
like you just did that's the heart of manhood you guys have brought it today
thank you so much for being with this here focus on the family thanks for
sharing your stories for compiling this great book fathers say and I'm telling
you folks this is the kind of resource or tool that you need it's not too late
even if your kids are 30s and 40s they'll have ideas in there about how
you can in that relationship hey I'm John fuller
and thanks for watching get more info about focus over here and more from our
guests over there and be sure to subscribe to our channel as well
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