Joining me tonight is the  creator and star of Netflix's "F  is for Family", 
  and one of the greatest comics  ever. Please welcome back to the  show, Mr. Bill Burr. 
  I don't know why I need the card  here. I feel like we could do  this without the card. 
  Did you watch the World Cup?
  >>I watched some of the games.  And then I watched the first  half of the final. 
  You should watch the second  half. It's way more important. 
  >>I didn't like the first goal!   You should watch the second  half. It's way more important. 
  >>I didn't like the first goal! 
  >>That f*ckin' guy flopped on  the ground and then they gave  him the kick and then it goes  in...
  >>...and he's jumpin' around  with like no guilt
  >>whatsoever and he's f*ckin'  pointing at himself. 
  >>F*ck that guy. Dude, like, if  I was that guy's dad
  >>If I was his father and he did  that--f*ck, don't ever f*ckin'  do that again. 
  So, you're glad France won,  right?
  >>I love France, but I mean...
  Really? Who loves France?
  >>Yeah, it's great!
  Oh god, I find it a painful  bunch. I don't actually, I don't  mind France--
  >>Well it's nice you just don't  like America. 
  Ohhh here we go. 
  >>Oh, here we go!
  I don't dislike America--
  >>Ah, if I see one more f*cking  British or Australian c*nt  hosting a show over here. 
  >>Sh*ttin' on America...
  >>Jesus Christ. 
  >>Acting like you're squeegeeing  our third eye. Really, Jim? Is  it f*cked up? We didn't notice!
  How are you, Bill Burr, telling  me--
  >>That should be a red flag  right there that I'm telling  you--
  telling me that I'm a little bit  curmudgeon-y.   >>That should be a red flag  right there that I'm telling  you--
  telling me that I'm a little bit  curmudgeon-y. 
  >>That should be a red flag!
  I always say about you, when  they go, "What's Bill like?" and  I go...
  "He's gonna make an awesome 80  year old man."
  You're gonna be the best f*cking  guy at a nursing home going  "Where's that other f*cking  nurse, that other one was sh*t!"
  "This one's stealin' my stuff!"
  "I don't want the foreign woman.  She complains too much!"
  >>I love being old. 
  You just turned 50, how's that  workin' out for ya?
  >>It feels fine!
  Yeah?
  >>Yeah, I don't feel any  different. Although I did 4  shows this weekend and I was  tired. 
  >>And that never happens. I was  like, tired from telling jokes  and my back hurt. 
  >>So, maybe that is something. 
  You an exercising guy?
  >>Yeah. I keep myself in--dude.  You travel the country. For  being 50, lookin' like this, I  mean...
  >>Most people blow out their  bodies by the time they're  like...
  >>like 30. That's when I knew I  was getting old 'cause I started  meeting people on the road going  "oh, this guy's got like 6 years  on me"
  >>And I'd be like, "how old are  you?" He'd be like "28" and I'd  be like "F*ck!"
  I substance abuse the f*ck out  of--I've been very open about  cocaine use and alcohol and what  not...
  And then sometimes I meet people  and it's like "I'm the same age  as you!" 
  I'm like, what the f*ck happened  to you?
  I don't have good genes. My  parents are unattractive people.
  My mother f*ckin' pissed in that  gene pool. Pissed in it!
  >>I don't know, I really don't  know what to do with that!
  Nor do I!
  >>Oh, I was gonna say something  positive about drugs--
  I've never heard anything  negative!
  >>There is something about if  you did heroin at some point in  your life, you have abs until  you're like...70. 
  >>Have you noticed that? A lot  of those rockstars--
  And they get a lot of f*ckin'  credit, heroin addicts. 
  Like, if they give up heroin  people are like "you know he  used to be on heroin, but he  gave it up." They're like,  "That's really impressive."
  It's like if you give up  smoking, everyone always praises  you, like "well done giving up  smoking".
  No one ever compliments the c*nt  who never smoked!
  No one goes, "well done for  avoiding that!"
  They always get to the junkie  and give him a hug, like,  "you're a good person."
  >>There's no movie, there's no  arc. They're not living under a  bridge. 
  I had a friend who was a junkie  and now everyone praises him all  the time.   >>There's no movie, there's no  arc. They're not living under a  bridge. 
  I had a friend who was a junkie  and now everyone praises him all  the time. 
  And his lowest point was, he was  at his grandmother's funeral and  it was an open casket--
  and he acted like he was crying  over the coffin and he was  stealing rings--
  >>Oh wow. 
  And then he tells the story and  he goes, "that's behind me", and  then people are like
  "I wanna marry that guy". 
  And you're like, "That's a  f*ckin' piece of shit!"
  >>Yeah. Yeah.
  >>If he didn't do heroin, he  would've been a banker or  something. 
  >>Stealing old people's pensions  or something like that. Yeah,  I--
  >>I know a guy with mental  illness and he tries to blame it  on mental illness all the time
  >>and it's just like, "nah,  dude. That was very...thought  out..."
  >>"...c*ntiness that you just  did there, so. Stop acting like  you're outside talking to a  tree."
  >>You're not that kind of crazy.
  Alright, ladies and gentlemen,  Bill Burr!
  Bill Burr's Monday Morning  Podcast can be heard every week  on All Things Comedy. Thanks,  Bill. 
  >>Yeah, man. I had a great time.
     
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