DO HAVARD STUDENTS HAVE SEX IN MONEY?
WELL, WE ARE ALL MORMONS SO LIKE YOU ARE PROBABLY ASKING LIKE THE WORST GROUP OF PEOPLE.
HEY, IT'S CONNOR MALBEUF AND IM AT HARVARD UNIVERSITY TODAY TO TRY TO FIND OUT HOW MUCH
TUITION IS AND HOW MUCH SEX THEY HAVE. TAKE A LOOK.
DO PEOPLE HAVE SEX IN A PILE OF MONEY?
HAHAHA
I WOULD DO IT.
DO YOU ASK THEIR NET WORTH BEFORE YOU INVITE THEM OVER?
YES, WE GOOGLE IT. WE GOOGLE IT.
BEFORE NETFLIX AND CHILL, DO YOU ASK THEIR NETW ORTH.
OF COURSE.
YAH.
IS IT IN YOUR TINDER BIO?
I DON'T HAVE A TINDER.
BUMBLE? NO.
E-HARMONY? NO.
CHRISTIAN MINGLE? NO.
NO ONE AT HARVARD HAS TINDER. MAYBE THEY ARE ALL ON GRINDR.
I DON'T REALLY KNOW.
DO YOU HAVE TINDER?
NO
AND ARE YOU ON TINDER? NO. BUMBLE? IM NOT ON ANY OF THEM
OH, WHY NOT?
UM, IM REALLY REALLY TRADITIONALIST?
SO YOU WANT TO MEET THEM AT A PARK. READING THE BIBLE. WITH A SMOOTHIE IN YOUR HAND.
YEAH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
ARE YOU ON TINDER? NO! WHY IS NO ONE ON TINDER? NO ONE!
OUR ROOMMATE IS ON TINDER. OUR ROOMMATE IS ON TINDER.
OK, AND DO YOU THINK SHE PUTS HARVARD UNIVERSITY IN HER BIO?
YES! SHE ALSO WILL MATCH WITH PEOPLE BASED ON WHERE THEY GO TO SCHOOL.
IF YOU GO TO HARVARD LAW SCHOOL IM USUALLY GOING TO SWIPE RIGHT ON YOU.
IS IT TRUE THAT BURBERRY SHEETS ARE A THING HERE?
I HAVE NO CLUE.
WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR SHEETS? BED BATH AND BEYOND.
AWH, GIRL.
ARE BURBERRY BED SHEETS A THING?
I THINK SO.
I WOULDN'T KNOW. WHERE ARE YOUR BED SHEETS FROM?
TARGET.
OH SHIT.
WHICH FACULTY HAS THE MOST SEX? I MEAN WE CAN COUNT OUT ENGINEERING, LET'S JUST PUT
THAT ON THE SIDE, OK? IT'S NOT THE MATH DEPARTMENT. PROBABLY FINANCE.
YEAH! CAUSE
THEY GOT TO GET THEIR CONNECTIONS SOMEHOW.
I CAN TELL YOU WHO UH PROBABLY DOESN'T HAVE A TON.
THE MATH DEPARTMENT MOSTLY.
I FEEL LIKE YOU
MIGHT BE RIGHT THERE.
DO YOU KNOW MUCH TUITION IS TO GO HERE? I WOULD SAY $50 THOUSAND A YEAR.
I THINK IT'S
50$ THOUSAND A SEMESTER.
A SEMESTER?! OH, NO KIDDING.
TUTITION IS EXPENSIVE.
OH REALLY? I DON'T KNOW THE PRICE TO STUDY HERE. IT'S LIKE
HALF A MILLION DOLLARS.
OKAY, I WILL STAY IN TAIWAN. THANK YOU!
YEAH, I'LL STAY IN CANADA. BA-BYE!
SO, $70 THOUSAND DOLLARS LET'S SAY, PER YEAR, FOR FOUR YEARS. I'M NOT GOOD AT MATH
BUT THAT'S LIKE HALF A MILLION DOLLARS, AM I RIGHT? UM… ABOUT.
I WON'T EVEN MAKE HALF A MILLION DOLLARS TILL I AM THIRTY. I KNOW. SO HOW THE HELL
AM I GOING TO PAY IT OFF? SCHOLARSHIP GRANTS?
YEAH, I GUESS SO, OR WE CAN ROB A BANK.
WITH ROOM AND BOARD AND FOOD, SOMETHING LIKE OVER $60 THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR.
ARE YOU ON A SCHOLARSHIP? NO.
*SIGHS* DO WE HAVE SNACK WE CAN GIVE HER OR SOMETHING?
OR LIKE A GIFT CARD
THIS POOR GIRL.
AND DATING SCENE'S GOOD HERE, YES OR NO?
UH, I HAVE JUST BEEN DOING HOMEWORK.
UH…
IF YOU ARE DATING YOU ARE PROBABLY MARRIED.
GIRLS DON'T REALLY LOOK AT ME, SO...
DO THEY LOOK AT YOU?
NOT AS MUCH AS THEY LOOK AT TRUMAN.
MAYBE IT'S THE SIDE BURNS?
*LAUGHTER*
UH…. NO.
WELL, I'M GLAD I DIDN'T GO TO HARVARD.
WELL, FOR MORMONS IT'S LIKE PRETTY CRAZY.
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO ONLY DATE MORMONS,
CORRECT? NO, NO YOU DON'T. BUT MORMONS TEND TO DATE… MORMONS.
NOW, WHAT'S THE DATNG AT HARVARD SCENE LIKE?
I WOULDN'T KNOW, I CAN'T TELL YOU.
A LITTLE SNIP SNIP AT THE FRONT.
SHAVE THE SIDEBURNS.
A NICE POLO. I LIKE YOUR GLASSES,
THEY KIND OF LOOK LIKE TOM FORD.
AND I GUARANTEE YOU SIR, YOU WILL BE DATING BY NEXT WEEK.
UH.. UH…AH .. IF YOU'RE LOOKING.
THIS WAS YOUR FACE. UH…UH..UH.UHH.
HERE'S THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT BOYS AT HARVARD.
BEFORE HARVARD, THEY JUST HAD THEIR LIVES,
THEIR LIFE WAS PERFECT. THEY GOT WHAT THEY WANTED.
SO THEN THEY GET HERE AND THE GIRLS
WERE ALSO LIKE THAT SO GIRLS ALSO LIKED TO
JUST HAVE FUN, YA KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING?
SO THEN GUYS ARE LIKE "OH MY GOD, I AM HOT SHIT. LET'S GET IT"
WOULD YOU TRY TO FIND A HARVARD BOY?
NO I THINK THEY ARE BORING, IF WE GO OUT ON A DATE,
THEY SAY "LET'S GO TO THE LIBRARY."
YEAH, THEY'D PROBABLY WANNA LIKE, YOU'D BE HAVING SEX AND THEIR WOULD BE LIKE A DICTIONARY
THERE. IF I WANT TO GO SHOPPING. "NO STAY IN THE LIBRARY."
I HATE THE LIBRARY.
THE LIBRARY ARE FOR TWO PEOPLE,
BORING PEOPLE AND UGLY PEOPLE.
I DON'T HAVE TO SAY THAT!
THE HOOK UP SCENE GOOD AT LEAST? CAUSE IF YOU CAN GET IN THE BEDROOM YOU CAN AT LEAST
START SOMETHING! MAYBE IF THEY HAVE MONEY AROUND YOU CAN JUST GRAB A COUPLE THINGS.
YEAH, FOR SURE.
UM… IT'S A COLLEGE HOOK UP SCENE. SO, IT'S KIND OF MESSY? IT'S MESSY…IT'S
A NO.
WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A SPOUSE? KINDNESS.
AND?
MONEY.
DO HARVARD ROWERS HAVE BIG PENISES?
YES.
IS THIS FACT OR FICTION?
FACT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW HE KNEW, BUT I AM OKAY THAT HE DID!
SO I FOUND A COVETED HARVARD ROWER.
IS IT TRUE ALL THE THINGS IN THE MOVIES ABOUT HARVARD
ROWERS? OH, UH, DEFINITELY NOT. THOSE ARE A COMBINATION OF HEAVY WEIGHT ROWERS AND GUYS
IN THE PRISCINLINE.
HARVARD UNIVERSITY. WHERE'S THE NAME COME FROM?
JOHN HARVARD.
AND WHO'S JOHN HAVRARD?
A DUDE.
IT'S A GUY.
I THINK JOHN IS HIS FIRST NAME.
HE WAS JUST A RICH MAN THAT DONATED.
DO YOU THINK HE WAS
A NICE GUY?
I WOULD HOPE SO. HE HAS A UNIVERSITY NAMED AFTER HIM.
YEAH, BUT THERE'S A LOT OF STATUES OF OLD WHITE MEN AND THEY'RE NOT THE GREATEST PEOPLE.
I FEEL LIKE THE RESIDENCES HERE ARE NICE!
UHHHH….
THERE'S LIKE RATS, AND MICE AND
COCKROACHES.
WE LIVE IN THE SAME BUILDING THAT JOHN. F. KENNEDY LIVED IN WHEN HE WENT
HERE AND IT'S LIKE.
YOU COULD POTENTIALLY HAVE SEX WHERE JFK HAD SEX.
HIS ROOM IS NOW
THE ELEVATOR, SO TECHNICALLY YES.
WHAT'S THE BIGGEST STEREOTYPE THAT SHOULD NEVER EXIST? I'D SAY THAT YOU HAVE TO BE
LIKE SOME SORT OF GENIUS.
AND, I'M LIKE FROM DURANT, OKLAHOMA. IM LIKE THE MOST AVERAGE
PERSON ON THE PLANET. YOU'RE FROM WHERE?
DURANT, OKLAHOMA. WHERE'S THAT? IT SOUNDS
LIKE A SNACK.
DO YOU THINK IT IS EMBARRASSING THAT LINDSAY LOHAN WENT HERE?
NO. NO?
LINDSAY LOHAN WAS HERE IN FIRST YEAR AND NEVER MADE IT TO SECOND.
ARE YOU SERIOUS? NO.
SHE DID? SADLY. OH.
IM JUST KIDDING, COME ON YOU GO TO HARVARD.
WHAT ABOUT LINDSAY LOHAN?
LINDSAY LOHAN! REMIND WHO IS LINDSAY? SHE WENT TO REHAB A LONG TIME
AGO, SHE WAS IN A MOVIE CALLED MEAN GIRLS.
LINDSAY LOHAN WENT HERE WHICH IS KIND OF SAD. DO YOU THINK HARVARD REGRETS THAT SHE WENT
HERE?
NO, WE LOVE LINDSAY. SHE IS ONE OF OUR FAVORITE ALUMNI.
HAVE YOU RUN INTO OBAMA'S DAUGHTER HERE?
YEAH. I HAD ONLY SAW HER ONE TIME AT CVS.
SHE WAS IN ACTUALLY ONE OF THE FRIDGES. SHE WAS ACTUALLY LIKE ENTIRE BODY WAS IN THE FRIDGE.
HAVE YOU SEEN HER AROUND YET?
NO, BUT I KNOW SHE LIVES LIKE TWO BLOCKS AWAY FROM ME.
WELL, IF YOU EVER SEE HER, SAY CONNOR IS LOOKING FOR HER AND WE WANNA ASK HER ABOUT HER NEW
BOYFRIEND, BECAUSE APPARENTLY HE IS A RICH BILLIONAIRE.
YEAH, HIS NAME IS LIKE RORY FARQUHARSON
OR SOMETHING. FARQUAH? POURQUOI-FARQUAH!
WHEN YOU FIRST GOT INTO HARVARD, WHAT WAS THAT MOMENT LIKE?
I OPENED IT FIRST OUT OF
ALL MY IVEY'S BECAUSE IT THOUGHT IT WAS THE ONE I WAS GOING TO GET REJECTED FROM.
I LOVE HOW YOU SAY "ALL MY IVEY'S."
DO THEY EMAIL YOU? OR DO THEY LIKE SEND A PIGEON AND DELIVER IT TO YOU ON YOUR DOORSTEPS?
HOW DOES THAT WORK?
SO THEY SEND YOU THE PIGEON AND THE EMAIL. BUT THE PIGEON COMES A LITTLE
LATE, THAT'S WHY I WAS EXPECTING IT ON MONDAY.
WHY HARVARD OUT OF ANY UNIVERSITY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD?
YOU COULD HAVE GONE TO BUFFALO UNIVERSITY,
BUT YOU CHOSE HARVARD!
I … I COULD HAVE GONE TO BUFFALO UNIVERSITY, I'M KIND OF
REGRETTING NOT GOING THERE.
YOU DON'T THINK YOUR SMART? NO.
MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HARVARD. THEY SAY
IT'S MY DREAM BUT MAYBE FOR MY CHILDREN.
FOR THOSE WHO ARE THINKING ABOUT HARVARD, BUT WANNA GO TO STANFORD CAUSE IT'S A LITTLE
WARMER. WHAT WOULD YOU TELL THEM?
YOU ARE RIGHT NEAR BOSTON! YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!
BOSTON! BOSTON!
ARE YOU GETTING THE ACCENT DOWN WELL? I CAN'T GET IT DOWN. I DON'T WANNA GET
IT DOWN WELL.
HONESTLY, IT IS THE MOST UNATTRACTIVE ACCENT YOU COULD EVER WANT, IN ANY HUMAN BEING
EVER.
ARE THERE GAY PEOPLE AT HARVARD?
I'VE PARTIED WITH A LOT OF THEM. THEY ARE VERY FUN.
HAVE PEOPLE TRIED TO EXPERIMENT WITH YOU?
NOT YET.
IT'LL COME. OCTOBER I'M THINKING IS THE
PEAK TIME FOR THAT.
HARVARD IS SO FANCY THEY HAVE PATAGONIA ATTIRE.
ARE YOU A PART OF A TENNIS CLUB? YES.
AWH, SHIT. RICH PEOPLE EVERYWHERE!
DO YOU HAVE A SUMMER HOME IN NANTUCKET?
NO.
DO YOU USE
GOLDEN CONDOMS?
I USE RAINBOW CONDOMS.
DO PEOPLE ONLY PARTY WITH CIROC AND VEUVE CLIQUOT? NOT, I DON'T THINK SO, I DON'T.
YOU'RE GOING MORE SMIRNOFF, BUD LIGHT? YA KNOW, JUICE.
UM, AND DO YOU HAVE SEX IN A PILE OF MONEY?
NOT YET.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BOSTON
AND CAMBRIDGE PEOPLE?
BOSTON PEOPLE ARE COOLER.
WHO'S CANADA'S PRIME MINISTER?
JOHN! JA-TRUDEAU.
TRUDADDY! TRUDADDY, DEFINITLEY! WOULD YOU
PICK JUSTIN TRUDEAU OVER TRUMP? ABSA-FUCKING-LOUTLEY.
I WOULD TO.
WHY DIDN'T HILLARY WIN? TELL ME IN TWO WORDS.
DIVISIVE POLITICS.
YEAH, IDIOTS, IDIOTS IN
MISSOURI.
WHO IS CANADA'S PRIME MINISTER? I HAVE NO IDEA. I'M NOT A GOV. MAJOR. YOU DON'T
NEED TO BE. YOU JUST HAVE TO READ THE NEWS.
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO LOOK INTO THE CAMERA AND SAY TO YOUR MOM AND TO YOUR DAD?
*LAUGHS* I LOVE YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND IF THIS COMES OUT BEFORE THIS WEEKEND, I HOPE YOU HAVE FUN IN
NEW YORK.
COOL. AND UNCLE, SEND HIM $18 DOLLARS SO HE CAN GET A HAIRCUT.
AND YOU PAID ALL THIS GODDAMN MONEY, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TELL YOUR PARENTS? WANT TO
THANK THEM? SORRY THEY COULD NOT INVEST IN THAT COTTAGE THEY ALWAYS WANTED?
THANKS FOR BEING GREAT PARENTS AND MAKING SURE I WAS ON MY SHIT.
WE HAVE A HARVARD ROWER HERE, SOON HIS NET WORTH WILL BE $3 BILLION DOLLARS.
WE ARE GOING TO START A GO FUND ME PAGE FOR SOPHIA IN THE COMMENT SECTION BELOW. YOU CAN
PITCH 20, 30 OR 100 DOLLARS!
HOW OLD ARE YOU? 22! I'M 22! I GRADUATED. WE ARE THE SAME AGE.
IF YOU WERE AMERICAN
I'D PROBABLY ASK TO MARRY YOU SO I DON'T GET DEPORTED. BUT I WONT.
THAT'S CREEPY…
ALSO I'M GAY. SO THERE'S THAT.
THANKS FOR WATCHING!
AS WE'VE LEARNED, HARVARD STUDENTS ARE VERY VERY RICH,
AND I AM STILL
VERY VERY POOR. BUT,
I BOUGHT A HAT, SO WE ARE HALF-WAY THERE. MAKE SURE TO SUBSCRIBE
BELOW AND I WILL CATCH YOU LATER!
BYE GUYS!
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