In November 28th, 2016, I posted my very first video online.
"Why did you post that video?"
was the question that people who watched it, carefully asked me.
In all truthfulness, I don't have one defined reason or intention.
I left a job two weeks prior to making that video,
the job that paid well but I chose to leave because it wasn't fulfilling and rather disappointing,
and more than that, I wanted to do something else.
I wanted to write.
I honestly thought I could write a book.
I wasn't certain about all the details, but I had this vague but strong determination that I will write.
And a week prior to posting that video, the idea came pouring into my head
and even before giving second thoughts to it, I wrote them all down as it came.
All of them.
I was soo focused on it that I even forgot to eat.
It took me three entire days to finish an 8-page-long article.
And then I realized 8-page was too long,
and there were parts that I didn't feel so comfortable sharing.
The other things I was sharing were already very personal and took a lot of courage to share,
so I removed those parts and after reconstructing and size cutting,
the final draft became a 4-page article.
And then I was certain I need to make it into a video.
I felt scared, of course, but I just did it.
I don't know. It just happened.
And it was fun.
I used an old camera at home that I never used that much before,
and I could afford to buy a good microphone.
My friend helped me film a video at my house and
I hired a person to teach me how to use video editing program for one whole day.
And the video was ready.
It's funny because while I was making that video, I never second-guessed my decision,
but right before posting it, I was so nervous
and thought "Do I really need to share this?"
I even sent the video link to three of my friends and asked what they thought.
Anyways, it eventually happened.
The video was up. People watched it.
And… everything was fine.
I mean, it shocked and puzzled some people
but also some of my old friends and even complete strangers sent me kind, loving and encouraging messages
through Facebook, comments, Kakao Talk etc.
But the best part about sharing that video was the after effect,
and by after effect I mean all the video ideas that came after making that video.
Because sharing the first one was the hardest mountain to climb,
the mountains that came after it felt relatively easier
and I felt more comfortable putting myself out there than I would have otherwise.
And, I genuinely enjoyed it.
YouTube was my very first official and public creative outlet,
and what felt amazing to me was that I can share my thoughts and ideas to people
even without being an official writer or being a famous figure.
Adobe Premiere Pro, the video editing program, was like my sketchbook
and my raw footages and all the effects and functions Adobe has were my crayons.
With my crayons and sketchbook, I made my pieces of art.
For many people, it might be just a YouTube video, but for me it was my art
that I put so much work and love into.
And then… there was a problem.
Somewhere along the line,
I became too focused on creating "important" contents, whatever that means,
and that prevented me from being open to creating "not-important" contents.
How I defined important back then was putting a lot of work,
sharing the message that has some kind of values in it,
and I couldn't dare think about doing vlogs, inviting a friend to my video etc.
In hindsight, I think I wanted to make my YouTube channel a sacred place,
like this is not where the fun stuff happen but only the serious stuff,
which is totally the opposite to the first message that I started my YouTube channel off with.
I mean I still liked doing it,
but it slowly killed the initial joy,
and it was sometimes discouraging because of some side effects that my YouTube videos brought me with.
And I want you to know that I'm not saying this as a bitter regret.
This is just an honest contemplation about my past and
all I'm saying is it could have been better if I did things differently,
not that it was a complete misery.
So 2017 went like that,
nothing too special, just constantly making contents, me constantly working many different jobs to stay afloat,
trying to deal with life issues and all that.
And then 2018 came and I made a decision to go to China.
There was one determining factor that led me to make that decision at that point in my life.
But I don't want to share that openly.
A part of me used to think being honest is sharing every single detail about my life to everyone.
But now I know that's not really necessary.
. I have my own privacy, other people in my life have privacy too, so I won't share that.
Anyways, I decided to go to China,
and that was I guess a big turning point in terms of how I think about my YouTube channel.
While I was in China, I felt less pressured to make "important" contents,
because I simply didn't and couldn't care about what was going on in the online world.
I mostly cared about what I'm gonna do today here in this foreign land
that I was so unaccustomed to and where everything was uncertain.
Survival in the real world was my main concern.
Not to mention, YouTube doesn't work in China and even with VPN there's limit.
So that was the first time in almost a year
when I had little to no attachment to "YouTube" and "important contents,"
and I shared whatever I could and naturally felt like sharing.
So sharing my experience as a KTV girl took some guts because
because I knew that was going to shatter the "good girl" image I seemed to have established on YouTube unintentionally.
But it was also freeing
and made me realize many new things that I hadn't been open-minded enough to learn before.
So my trip to China has been quite a big shift in the way I see things and see myself
and reminded me of a lot of things that I have forgotten.
It's true that YouTube took a large part of my life,
my attention and energy all these years although number and money wise it has never been big.
It was always small.
The most viewed video on my channel doesn't amount to 300,000 yet,
and I know that's considered nothing in this game.
But regardless, it did have a huge impact on my life and that's an undeniable fact.
I was able to express myself like nowhere else, and I never regret starting it.
However, I have to be brutally honest that it did mess up my head sometimes.
And I want to talk about that more .
I recently read the book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" and it could not have come at a better time.
We live in a society where we think we need to be important, happy, and successful,
and I am definitely guilty of promoting those things.
In my earlier videos, I use a lot of those words.
And don't get me wrong.
My intention was pure. I really did want to spread out the message that
we are all equally great in different ways
and I wanted to share what I learned through my experience that I believe to be truthful.
However, words, as positively influential as they can be,
can also have side-affects
in that it makes us get attached to those words
rather than letting it serve as a signpost to guide us to a certain concept and perception.
And my own words messed me up in that way.
I got attached to the word "happy" "extraordinary" "enlightened" and "important"
without me even realizing.
I think it's good to promote something positive and we need more of that,
but I think it's equally good to not get attached to that positive.
Back to the book, the subtle art of not giving a Fuck,
although every single part of it was amazing and truthful, the part that struck me the most was this one:
"The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience.
And paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience."
It means wanting positive experience is a negative experience
and accepting negative experience is a positive experience.
If you're angry, you're angry, if you're happy you're happy,
if you're lazy, you're lazy,
if you like to do something, you like to do it,
if you don't like it, you don't like it,
if you enjoy your time, you enjoy your time,
if you don't enjoy your time, you don't enjoy your time.
If you want to sing, to dance, read that book, to go for a run, spend time with that friend, go somewhere, you do it.
If you don't, you don't.
That acceptance is far more important and should come before everything else.
The message that I was trying to share in my first video was
I became happier after I realized I'm none of the labels.
I'm not a something, something person, because I am just what I am in my present moment.
That's who I am.
I am not a smart person, I am not a tall person, beautiful, ugly person, person who achieved/failed this or that.
I'm just a nothing but how I am right now.
And I slowly forgot this while being on YouTube and trying to "matter."
One of the reasons I love watching videos on YouTube is,
it's inspiring to see people's natural growth and fun.
And some of the people I follow are wildly successful and talented,
but it's not just their success or talent that inspires me;
it's people's natural growth, natural struggles and pain it took them to get there
and more than that, their current natural self, whoever that is, I find charming and beautiful and inspiring.
You see, it's good to have a dream,
but I think it's also good to be not attached to your dream.
Just like what I said about words.
Let it be a guide, but not the ultimate, one and ONLY destination.
You shouldn't be a slave to your dream because
although your dream can be a good driver, it's a bad master.
Just like money.
If you have a dream, have it. If you want something, want it.
Just let it be.
Let yourself be before judging.
That's the art that we can first master. Being ourselves. Not trying.
As this book puts it, not giving a fuck so that you can give a fuck in better things.
We're almost nearing the end guys. Just one more thing before I wrap up.
Let's talk about death.
We live in a society where it's all about the result.
We focus so much on the result.
But what is the result really?
There's no result other than death.
Death is the final result of our whole life, thus of everything.
Therefore, every result that's not death is a process.
Your highs will turn into lows,
once the problems solved another problem will begin,
you earn money and then you spend it,
it's all life's cycle and then at the end of it, there's death.
So nothing is a result.
And being mindful of this changes the way you see yourself, what you do,
and what you consider worthy of your attention.
And I should admit I forgot about my own mortality as I was focused on the vague "results,"
and that fed my fear to grow bigger blocking me from taking healthy actions that I could've taken.
I was talking about adventures in my videos, but I don't think I was being adventurous enough,
at least not in the way I meant it.
Although my fear had legitimate reasons and cause just like any fear,
I should not have let that rule over me. But I did.
So that's it! Draw My YouTube Life video.
It's not a happy or unhappy ending, because there's no ending, really,
unless YouTube breaks down and shuts down all channels,
but even if that happens,
what I experienced and learned being on YouTube will carry over to whatever I do next.
It always works that way, whether we realize it or not.
Thank you so much for watching.
And I'm sorry again I haven't uploaded Q&A video yet,
but I think this video covers some of the questions that you guys sent me.
I'll see you on the next video.
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