Penguins.
These birds live in the Arctic and are famous
for their lasting monogamous relationships...
Sofi, don't you think I might be your penguin?
Of course not!
And that was the day I convinced him to get circumcised.
Let's congratulate Xavi. He cooked this himself, and it was delicious.
It's just some dry noodles.
-I made them with love, though. -They are a little dry, yes.
-Xavi, I think we're dating. -No way.
We're married!
-Left or right? -That way!
-Stop yelling at me! -I'm not!
-Left or right? -That way!
I'm married to a homosexual man!
Like half your female friends, Sofía.
...who takes care of their offspring...
DATING
You're born, you grow up, you become a fashion slave.
You regret having bangs for seven years.
Then, it's all about finding the perfect partner and kids to share on Instagram.
How come you're dating Xavier? I thought he was gay.
It's not like that, Mom. We aren't a couple.
Oh, thank God.
He still has time to find a good man.
Speaking of which, guess who your brother's dating.
Well, surely, someone he met about five minutes ago.
With Pitititita de Poza.
They're perfect for each other.
She arrived recently from Europe and loves art.
-And as your brother is a filmmaker-- -Mom, he's not a filmmaker.
He directs black and white infomercials.
Well, whatever.
Well, as long as the same thing doesn't happen again...
Not that, the other thing.
For your information, I'm right here.
And Svetlana was a smart woman.
-She knew how to speak Russian. -Son, she was Russian.
She knew how to write Cyrillic.
And I'm seriously considering settling down.
I'm in a mature relationship now.
If you don't like sushi, we can go somewhere else. It's fine.
I can't believe you don't remember I'm allergic to seafood, Pia!
It's our first date!
Sure, very mature.
I'm glad you're looking for a boyfriend.
Maybe then, you'll stop hanging around so much with homosexuals.
Maybe she wants to take advantage of the fact they can get married now.
So, where are you looking for this so-called boyfriend?
I'm using the Internet for that. Plus, Gaby's going to introduce me to someone.
-Sounds exhausting. -I know.
-Hi! -Hi.
How are you?
Thrilled to finally go out with a strong and independent woman.
What does it say there?
-Pasta. -I can't, it makes me gassy.
You're so special.
I love feminists
because they go all the way on the first date.
-And that's like-- -No, wait.
-I-- -Don't worry. There's no rush.
Eyes rolled back, it was horrible.
That was the first time I saw a corpse.
So, are you a poet or...
Hi.
Do you have craft beer?
CRAFT BEER - COCKTAILS - SHOTS
You're the kind of woman that gets the check, right?
So, how is it going?
How is the search for your future ex going?
I give up.
I'll leave it to fate. The Internet is so treacherous.
-Yeah, it is. -How about you?
I saw you staring at me.
Would you like to go somewhere?
What time do you get off?
Something came up. I need to leave.
Now.
My date from the other night?
I knew it! You didn't take him to your apartment
-where you live with your 16 roommates? -No!
We went to his apartment.
Nice place!
How does an amateur comedian
and barman at Cafe 23 manage to live here?
I got it cheap. I inherited it.
I won it in the divorce. Kiss me.
-Wait! You live alone, right? -Yeah, of course.
At least it worked for one of us.
FROM: MOM BREAKFAST AT HOME TOMORROW.
-What is it? -Breakfast tomorrow at my parents' house.
DRESS UP!
I'm sure Mom wants to hook me up with someone.
Awesome!
COME OVER FOR BREAKFAST TOMORROW.
BRING CONDOMS!
The referee says it's a penalty!
-It wasn't a penalty. -Of course it was.
-It was not. -Of course it was a penalty.
-What, are we expecting the royal family? -We're expecting the de Pozas.
I already told you that.
Of course you didn't, Mom.
I did, several times.
I had to forbid your brother from taking the car again.
And don't forget the de Pozas are coming over.
I don't know, Mom.
Have you decided what to wear for our brunch with the de Pozas?
I'll let them know, Mom.
It's a global conspiracy to destroy the Church.
Anyway, I'll see you next Sunday, at our brunch with the de Pozas.
I have no idea, Mom. Diego has the password.
-Of course not, Mom. -Sofía, please.
Rosita, open the door.
Socorro!
-Hi, Piíta. -I'm finally here!
Hi.
-Hi, ma'am. -Hello.
Hi, Diego.
TO: XAVI THIS IS HORRIBLE. I WANT TO LEAVE!
FROM: XAVI WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE WHIPPED CREAM?
And, suddenly, you don't hate makeup or high heels anymore. And, why?
Because you've fallen in love.
But don't forget the old Chinese proverb:
"Those who fall in love are screwed."
So, I told the manager,
"I feel your waiters are not giving me enough respect."
So, you forced the restaurant to close, right?
It's genetically impossible that our kids don't have blue eyes.
Rosita is like family to us.
-Really? -Yes.
Rosita!
Take away our plates, please.
You're lucky your grandma lets you live here.
Yeah, Grandma Socorro is the best.
Do you want to go see a movie?
-Don't you want to stay here? -Let's go out!
Let's go to the museum, or the park, or ice-skating.
But I can't go out like this.
Give me just a moment, I need to make a phone call.
Hi, girl! How is it going? Are you done playing cricket?
No, the game starts when the men get back from hunting.
Don't worry, take your time.
Just let me know when you're coming back.
Sure.
She doesn't have any!
I hope this is the beginning of a longlasting relationship
between the Niño de Riveras and the de Pozas.
A relationship that lasts for generations
and begins...
The third Mexican Empire.
They want to go back to castes.
...like the leaves falling and giving us--
-Cheers! -Yeah, let's drink. Cheers.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
Jaime de Poza.
Anchorman, actor, philanthropist and biker.
He changed the face of Mexican television.
Creator of the "Total" concept.
How do you find the time to do all that?
Silence! We're trying to watch this.
His shows are exciting, all day, every day.
Total.
So, how was Europe? Is your brother single?
I think he is. And Europe was amazing.
There are a lot of opportunities, not like in New York.
You're an art collector, right?
No, shoes. In fact...
Nah, nevermind.
Rostros Magazine three-time winner of the Sexiest Man Award.
I wanna get out of here.
-I'll give you a ride. -Really?
Yeah, let's go.
-Are you leaving already? -Yes.
But we haven't played cricket yet!
Bye!
Jaime de Poza and I spent the most amazing day together.
Jaime de Poza?
The anchorman, actor, philanthropist and biker?
Rostros Magazine/three-time winner of the Sexiest Man Award?
The creator of the "Total" concept.
Everything inside the same show, all year, 24 hours a day.
-He's amazing. -Tell me all about it.
His father couldn't stop talking crap.
Bullshit about families and generations
and how we would be creating the Third Mexican Empire.
And Jaime said,
"They want to go back to castes."
He's hilarious.
What?
Are you sure he was joking?
Of course. What are you saying?
JAIME DE POZA RACIST!
Nothing, but his family was involved in a scandal
about racism, abuse, slavery--
What? That can't be true?
-Girl, </i>Rostros Magazine is never wrong -All right, let's go back.
This country went to shit when we granted rights to the natives.
Get out of here! What was that?
This country went to shit when we granted rights to the natives.
-It's not possible! What an asshole! -Are you sure that's the only thing?
Well...
He's the worst scumbag!
I hope he goes broke and has to sell his body
and ends up getting herpes on his penis.
And I hope it falls off so he has to eat it in front of everybody
so he'll end up having herpes on his mouth as well.
At least now you know.
And you don't have to see him again, unless you want to.
-You don't, right? -No.
-God damn it! -What?
-Diego. -He's an asshole.
No. Yeah! He's dating Pia de Poza.
Your brother is dating Pia de Poza?
That socialite that came back from Europe with that
"no obligations, lots of parties and lots of men" philosophy?
There was a long line at the supermarket,
so I read the latest issue of Rostros Magazine.
Yeah...
I'll take you slowly.
Please stop talking, okay?
Be quiet.
Diego!
This is our living room.
Where we used to watch Bambi.
Did your Internet go down, Mom?
No. I was just going to the kitchen.
Good evening, ma'am. Hi.
Hormones...
It's all right.
It's your mom, Diego.
Diego, get off me, please!
Who is that? What?
Monse got a ring, too, baby.
It looks horrible.
Always go for classic rings, okay?
Of course. Classics are classics.
What do you mean by "classic"?
Platinum, single diamond, square-shaped.
It kills me that I have to lay this all out for you.
I think I got it.
Perfect.
Besides, the whole proposal was terrible.
Why?
If you're going to dress like this,
at least hire some mariachis or something.
See?
We think very much alike.
I adore you.
Diego, please.
-Diego, please! -No, it's fine--
I'll head upstairs because it's late,
and I have to work tomorrow.
Okay, Mom.
Sleep tight, ma'am.
You, too, in your own bed.
Diego is a grown man, I'm sure he learned his lesson.
With Svetlana?
Okay, maybe his last two relationships taught him something.
You know what? Good for them.
I hope Pia can teach Diego to relax and have fun.
To know that you don't need to fall in love with everybody.
FROM: DIEGO - I'M IN LOVE! PIA IS THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS!
Sofía, I'm so glad you called.
Diego, pay attention.
You must be very careful around Pia.
No, you listen to me.
Remember Grandma's ring?
The golden ring, with two marquise-cut diamonds?
Really vintage?
The one Mom has on her dressing table?
Thank you!
I need to make some plans, so I gotta go.
This is going to be the best Diego Production ever.
Diego, don't. Wait!
I'm in love!
Diego is about to do something stupid.
Yes.
And you'll try to stop him, even though that means
that you'll have to see Jaime de Poza again, right?
Yes.
There was an old man asking for money in exchange for towels.
How can they complain later that they are poor?
This double date was a fantastic idea.
I'm sorry to hear about your Grandma Socorro.
She was really old.
I was looking forward to moving out, so...
Listen, Xavi.
I'm invited to a wedding this Saturday, and I'd like you to come.
I want you to come as my boyfriend.
You know? Coming out isn't that important.
But it's because of you that I was able to make up my mind!
Listen, Edgar.
I'm Ivan.
I'm not sure I'm the one you should take to Lagos de Moreno.
It's in Salina Cruz.
Or to meet your mom, Alejandrina.
-Her name's Berta. -And dance
with your cousins, Rodolfo and Ignacio, all night.
You didn't forget them, huh?
What I mean is...
We're just having a good time.
But...
I'm not sure I'm right for you.
Thank you?
Here's the check.
This is the hottest new restaurant in town.
-We're only 72 business partners. -So interesting.
-I love it. -Pia, tell us all about Europe.
I read you had a lot of experiences there.
Did you learn something new? Some new life philosophies?
Sofía, chill.
What can I say?
Everything is so different over there.
You've been there, right?
Love is free and nobody judges you there.
Everybody looks down on you here, saying, "You're going too fast.
You need time to get to know each other. She doesn't speak Spanish."
-People here are so nosy. -So nosy!
-Are we ready to order? -Sure.
-No, I-- -Waiter!
Waiter!
Tell Monkey to send the short rib with rice.
Truffle oil.
And a salad for two for the girls to share.
I don't work here.
I don't care. Call the manager.
-I'm kind of hungry. -A salad won't do?
Excellent choice.
Whose nipples are those?
Rafa's, my gay friend.
Sofía has one, too.
What a coincidence.
Excuse me.
Maybe they're friends?
Hi, sexy beautiful!
How are you, sweetie?
Look! One of my cousins. I'll go say hi.
-Who? Where? -You don't know him.
You have no idea, Rafa! This guy is so into me!
He's such an idiot. A real idiot.
Yeah. For real.
He's so basic.
Unsophisticated.
Unbearable.
Pretentious.
Mediocre, stupid.
Dude, if you guys need another partner...
Let me know, I've always wanted to invest in this business.
Sure.
It's been years since I've watched any TV, but your concept is revolutionary.
It's amazing. How did you come up with that?
We have 90 million for a new show.
It must be innovative, but in the same vein as our other shows.
What do you recommend?
Who are we paying that's not working right now?
That idiot, Jaime de Poza.
Bring him to me.
It was written for me, man.
God, you're lucky.
Illiterate, doesn't have a beard...
He looks like a dog standing on two legs. Protruding eyes...
You know your sister and I have a deep connection, right?
It's really something. And in the past few days,
I feel my eyes are open and I'm complete, at last.
Unibrow, close-minded, incompetent.
I don't believe in fate,
but meeting Pia can't be just a coincidence.
And I want to ask you...
Can I ask for your sister's hand in marriage?
He's such an idiot. The biggest one I've met!
-But in bed, he's a-- -No! Yuck!
Sofía?
-Where is Diego? -No idea. Have you seen the manager?
No way!
I can stop snoring in the mornings.
I can work from dawn till dusk.
I can climb the Himalayas or win a duel to remain by your side.
I can be your faithful driver, woman.
I can be anything you can imagine.
Because I've been reborn in your love.
You were my breath, my illusion, but if you go,
what will I do?
Lay my heart to rest, once again?
This poem will weep.
I want to marry you
Stay by your side
Be blessed by your love
That's why I want To leave my past behind
And have you by my side
To die in your arms, my sweet love
No, Diego. Don't do it.
Sofía, I'm not a child anymore. I'm a man, let me grow.
You're my big brother!
Leave him, babe. He's going for it.
What do you say, darling?
Will you marry me?
I...
Diego, I'm not looking to commit right now,
but I love the ring. It's awesome.
Get out of here, dude. You're such an asshole.
And you're a scumbag!
Babe, even you said he was an idiot
who thinks he's Iñárritu because he directs infomercials.
Advertisements are a wonderful medium.
What about you, asshole?
Your dad used his influence to make you a TV star,
and you're an anchorman now.
You're just a party boy,
a creep, classist, uneducated and ignorant.
You're just an arrogant and stupid prick.
I don't want to see you again.
I was going to dump you, anyway,
because you walk too slow.
What is it, Pia?
I mean... What kind of name is Pia?
Let's get out of here, Diego.
If this was a movie, I'd punch you in the face, dude.
Hold me back, before I kick his ass!
This sucks! How embarrassing, man.
How can they do such a thing in front of my other 71 business partners?
Ladies, raise your hand if you can find even one man
who is worthy of getting a Brazilian wax for?
Really? Nobody?
Exactly.
Diego, are you okay?
I don't understand why this keeps happening to me.
Am I wrong to think love can happen in an instant?
Thanks for standing up for me.
Don't even mention it.
Pia is just a bitch.
She's a pretentious, stuck-up bitch.
She's just an unsophisticated, air-headed trophy girl.
She is stupid and has no talent. She's a Kardashian.
God damn it!
I should have said all that to her!
I hate when that happens!
Listen, troll.
Do you think Jaime will upload my fail to YouTube?
Yup.
I hate that asshole.
-Me, too. -I admire him, too. No idea why.
Mother seal lets go of her puppies without much thought
even when facing danger, because she knows she's still young
and will have many opportunities to breed again.
Hey, Sofi.
Don't you think I may be your--
No. Don't start again, Xavi.
I'm done. I'm going to bed.
Xavi! Why is the toilet seat up?
I'm sorry!
People call him the "Obsidian Idol"?
No, I haven't really followed his career.
Gentlemen, can you hear that?
It's a storm.
A brainstorm, gentlemen!
-Clowns. Small clowns. -I love clowns.
A wind tunnel full of women with long dresses.
-And they're dancing. -Of course, sure.
I love it.
That's great. Investigative journalism.
-Centered around celebrities! -Yeah, that's good.
-Really good. -Yeah!
-Good job. -Let's keep going.
-Yeah, it's really good. -Sure, let's do it!
I'm married to a homosexual man!
Xavi, what are we doing? We know nothing of this Cavazos guy.
Wasn't Cavazos involved in some narco shit?
-What? -Yeah
I think he is the leader of the new Jalisco Cartel.
-What? -No, that's not true. I must be confused.
It's the Zetas.
Sir?
Could I ask you for a charger?
My battery is almost dying. I haven't been home since the party last night...
Sir?
Sir, where are we going, exactly?
Sir?
These bureaucrats are worse than organized crime.
I heard some people just seem to have disappeared.
Damn you, Chuy! You were right.
I'm always right, Sofía.
It's not my fault if you don't believe me.
Xavi, please. They'll make us disappear.
Translation by: Lara Cecilia Garau
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