Welcome to Episode 20 of The Painting
Experience Podcast. On the podcast,
founder Stuart Cubley explores the
potential of the emerging field of
process arts and shares inspiration from
his ongoing workshops and retreats. In
this episode, we see how, when viewed in
the light of process, something we first
thought was a mistake usually turns out
to be anything but. [Stewart:] The miracle of
mistakes? Well, they certainly don't feel
like a miracle when they show up. I think
we all agree on that . . . that when you're
happily painting along and then you take
that extra step and something shows up
that is just totally unacceptable and
irrelevant and out of place and
inappropriate and doesn't belong there,
we really believe it. We really buy into
it and we can go down that road pretty
easily and think, "You know, really that is
a mistake, there's no question. I'm going
to get rid of it or cover it up or start
over or something."
It is just so easy to kind of flow into
that way of thinking and to not
recognize or even consider that there
may be a larger dimension. In my
experience facilitating the painting
process it's become more and more clear to
me that these so-called mistakes are
actually transformational moments. They
are actually opportunities that are
disturbing for sure and disruptive for
sure, but that they have an intelligence
behind them. They don't just come out at
random, they're not something we did just
out of inadvertence. Certainly they were
spontaneous but I think to consider that
they have a deeper root is fairly
interesting. This goes way beyond
painting, of course, this feeling of
having made an error and having done
something
that's inappropriate, said something that's
inappropriate, taken some action that
you really regret. We all know these in
our lives and it's very easy to dig our
teeth into them like a dog with a bone
and pull them apart and process them to
death and work entirely on a mental
level that certainly has emotion
involved with it but that is not really
productive, that keeps us on the level of
this belief in the mistake. In my own
experience facilitating painting over
the years I've sometimes made huge
mistakes. I mean sometimes I have just
put my foot in my mouth so big time that
I can't believe that I said what I said,
and it was sometimes hurtful to another
person and really inappropriate and
insensitive and, of course, this has been
part of my experience. And I've come to
see these in a very interesting light
because first of all when I do it I have
to recognize it, I have to be willing to
acknowledge to the person that it was
really inappropriate and even apologize
for hurting them and to say that, "You
know, I don't really know why that came
out of my mouth. My intention was
certainly not to disrupt you or to
disrupt the process or to hurt you in
any way. I'm sorry if it sounded
judgmental or in some way diminishing."
And to really own it personally that I
made a mistake. This is important because
otherwise there's no way to move forward
with a person. If I'm feeling defensive
about it or in some way trying to
justify it, then the barrier is going to
stay up and I know that if I can really
meet that moment of my mistake without
protecting myself against it, that then
at least there's an opportunity to move
forward. Because I know that if we stay
with it and by staying with it I don't
mean processing it and talking about it
and trying to fix it and trying to
justify it, but by staying with it I mean
I know that if we
continue in that environment of
spontaneous action . . . the painting being a
really important tool in this
circumstance because it's a way of
acting without thinking . . . and so if we can
clear it enough emotionally to hang in
together and to trust that the process
will continue and that we really truly
don't understand what happened and how
to resolve it . . . that we can leave it in a
kind of limbo without having to fix it, I
have a trust that something will come
out of that. And it's amazed me over the
years how if it's, say, a longer workshop,
maybe it's a five-day workshop or even a
10-day, that at the end of the experience
the person and I often will stand back
in awe looking at the ramifications of
that experience and realizing that the
fruits that were born from that
disturbance went way beyond what either
of us could have imagined in the moment
and that, on the contrary, it was a rather
necessary interference and force that
came in that was challenging and
difficult but that it actually shook
things up and brought a degree of
understanding and a whole new level of
perception around not only the painting
and the painting process but the
personal perception of oneself as well,
and that there was an intelligence
behind that so-called mistake and
neither of us are really in control of
that. We're both in the painting process,
we're both in this process of moving
into the unknown and having to deal with
what comes up and I don't say this and
any way to justify, because in the moment
it truly feels like, "Boy I really blew it
by saying that." So I've come to have a
very deep respect for these so-called
mistakes and sometimes I call them
"the miracle of mistakes" because I do
believe there's something miraculous
behind these situations that arise that
we are so
convinced in the moment that are not
appropriate, that are not intelligent,
that somehow don't belong. And so
when someone reaches these in the
painting process I get very interested
and I noticed that they occur in two
levels: There's actually the first level which
is the mistake itself, the object, the
thing that appeared, the color or the
form or the shape or the image . . . something
has arisen in the painting that we're
convinced was a mistake and doesn't
belong there and we can get very focused
on that.
But the perhaps deeper level of this
mistake is the feelings that it brings.
This is a very, very rich internal
experience of making a mistake because
it has a physical, visceral quality of
disturbance about it and you can feel it
in your body. You can feel the adrenaline
gets riled up. The first tendency of
course is to throw it off and not to
have that disruptive feeling which would
be tear the painting off the wall or
blame the teacher or cover it up or
change it or fix it . . . something to get rid
of the feeling because we believe that
there's truly been a mistake. And if I
can in those moments, I'll try to bring
another level of perception and perhaps
intrigue somebody, if I can, around
considering the fact that maybe there's
more going on here than meets the eye.
What if we stayed close to the bone
here? What if we, instead of flying off
with the blame and the change that we
want to impose on it, if we didn't fly
off and we stay close to the bone and we
could actually . . . sometimes I call it
staying in the burn . . . being willing to
feel the intensity of that emotion and
sometimes it has a quality of regret
about it, sometimes it has a quality of
shame, sometimes it has a quality of
blame but to stay close to the bone with
it so instead of projecting it out you
let the burn burn, you let the fire rage
and you keep painting.
And you keep painting with a quality
respect. I might at that point suggest
taking a little brush and painting with
care because there's such a
contradiction in those two states, in
which you're raging internally and yet
being respectful externally in your
actions brings about a transformational
moment in which, through those two opposites coming
together, something new is born and I
see this happening again and again and
again. There's something that arises out
this so-called mistake which is of
course a changed perception of your
painting and you actually feel, having
stayed with it and lived through it, that
you're actually really liking what
happens next and that this thing that
you thought was a mistake is actually
rather intriguing and interesting but
more than that, your actual state of
being has changed,
that your internal sense of self has
shifted and for me this is the most
important part of the transformational
moment: the perception of the painting
changes but that's a reflection of an
internal shift. For me, that's the
intelligence that is at root behind the
spontaneous action and the arising of
so-called mistakes . . . that there's a wisdom
in this unconscious life that we don't
appreciate. We don't realize how much of
our lives are actually orchestrated from
a place that has much greater order than
we would normally give it credit and so
we struggle, constantly trying to bring
order and bring acceptability on a
superficial level. When we finally
let go and allow this deeper order to
have its way with us, there's a
tremendously powerful mystery there and a
deep satisfaction that opens many doors.
And to see it beyond the painting
process . . . the painting process is a mirror
in which to ask that question: Is there a
greater intelligence behind
spontaneous action behind acting from a
place other than the mind? [Announcer:] You can learn
more about The Painting Experience and
find a list of upcoming process painting
workshops by visiting our website at www.processarts.com.
If you enjoyed what you heard today please share it
with a friend. The theme music for this
podcast comes from Stephen Jacob. We thank
you for listening and hope you'll join
us again soon.
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