Hi! I'm Dr. Lindsey Doe, a doctor of human sexuality and a clinical sexologist.
This is Sexplanations where I share my knowledge of sex with you.
Today's sponsor for your sex education is AdamandEve.com, a sex store where you
can buy play things for great sex.
[WHIP CRACKING, COUGH]
I was reading through one of my old human sexuality textbooks and came across a section
called "What is great sex?"
The textbook describes research from 2009 by Kleinplatz and colleagues of 64 people
who self-reported having experienced "great sex."
This is a really small sample size so of course it didn't include all sexual identities
or forms of expression.
However it reached older participants and many sexual minorities, so this isn't a
list of hetero cis college students either.
The researchers distilled the information they collected from interviews into eight
components that constitute great sex.
I'm going to share them and give a suggestion to actually put these broader ideas into action.
Great sex, major component number 1: being present and focused.
I think this is something that makes life in general great but has become harder with
the ability to be in a physical location, a mental headspace, and online at the same time.
If we're going to have great sex -- limiting external stimuli might help.
You could put phones in another room or on do not disturb, turn off the TV, give the
dog a bone, ask the roommates for privacy, and or see that the kids are occupied.
Be where your hands are.
This could be giving a massage, shampooing each other's hair (head and pubes), or masturbating.
Great sex is the next first thing on the to do list.
You'll have time to do the dishes later.
Focus.
Component 2: Connection
One of the oldest how to guides on great sex is called the Kama Sutra.
Kama meaning desire and sutra, meaning a thread that binds or connects things.
Connection gets you to great sex and it could be as simple as having something in common:
a mutual friend, a fandom, or a favorite beverage.
It could also be a shared experience, like taking a class together or shopping for ingredients
to make dinner with each other.
The key is to form some sort of bond even if only for one romp.
Component 3: Intimacy
One of my mentors, Dr. Ava Cadell, describes intimacy very simply, in to me see.
When we show others who we are and see them for who they are, this is intimacy.
Personally I access intimacy by talking about my fears.
Not just that I am really uncomfortable around parasites, but deeper fears like my fear of
doing harm, my fear of abandonment, my fear of being misunderstood.
I'm letting others see into me.
Component number 4: Communication - verbal and nonverbal
In the early days of Sexplanations I did a video about how to get the sex you want featuring
this tool: a want/will/won't list.
It's such a great way to get conversations started.
You write down your ideal sex life in the want column, what you might not desire but
you do consent to in your will column, and your hard limits, absolutely nots, don't
ask me agains in the won't column.
Then you talk about them, maybe even DO some of them.
Another fun suggestion for great sex communication is to follow the steps in this Sexplanations
Flirting video (linked in the description).
Meet out in public, like you don't know each other, flirt with non-verbals like eye
contact and head tilts, then ask each other out.
It's very hot!
Component 5: Authenticity and transparency
Authenticity refers to how aligned one's behaviors are with their beliefs.
So if your partner says they really like performing oral and they perform oral often with enthusiasm,
that's authentic.
If you think great sex is part of a healthy sexual relationship, but you lie there like
a starfish unengaged or dodge out on opportunities to be sexual at all, that's less authentic.
Transparency is about why.
Can you express why you value great sex in your mind but neglect it in your actions?
Can you say, you're feeling insecure about your body or things are moving faster than
you want them to?
It might not improve sex right away, but being authentic and transparent will give future
sexual encounters a better chance of being great.
Component 6: Transcendence or bliss
If you've been around Sexplanations for a while, you know that sex does not have to
include orgasm.
Even great sex does not have to include orgasm.
It is possible to feel out of body and euphoric from being touched, understood, and or held.
Here are two exercises: first, try to achieve transcendence and bliss by being sexual without
genital contact.
The other is to spend some time on your own practicing orgasm:
stimulating yourself, moaning, and writhing.
Even if you don't come, put in some time practicing.
Component #7: Exploration or risk-taking
Revisit the want/will/won't list and choose four things that you haven't done together
but you're willing to try.
I'm not looking for you to take physical risks like contracting an STI or trying hardcore S&M.
I'm thinking more about emotional exploration and risk-taking, like new positions where
you might not feel confident, dirty talk during sex even if it feels awkward.
I want you explore the first two columns of your Want/Will/Won't List.
Lastly, on the great sex checklist: Vulnerability
If you're raised in the U.S., chances are sex itself is a vulnerable experience.
Go a little deeper though.
What about being fully naked in front of your partners for a minute or more, just there
not, having sex yet, just letting them see you.
If you really want to level-up you can do the same with your crotch.
With the lights on, invite your partners to examine your folds and curves and veins and
layers and hair follicles.
Not to go down on you but to appreciate you -- to have intimacy, bliss, and focused attention
while they explore more of who you are and who they get to have GREAT sex with.
I have my own list of what makes sex great which I'll share in a future episode.
For now, do a little of your own research to determine how these improve your life and
stay curious.
And hey!
If you want some fun toys, lube, condoms, all the playthings for having the great sex,
check out AdamandEve.com.
You can get 50% of an eligible item plus free shipping in the US and Canada.
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