hey everybody so I haven't done a Sunday
spiel or a life update in a while and I
miss them I think I stopped doing them
because I was writing the book and I
just felt um inspirationally tapped
out and I feel like I need to restart
this it's something I need to to bring
back and this week feels like a really
good week to bring it back because I've
been thinking a lot first and foremost
let's just talk about the facts my book
is done it is not only written it is has
audio recorded its final and it's on its
way to the printing press actually it's
at the printing press and it's available for
pre-order it's called a life full of
glitter this is it
and I'm really proud of it at first I
was petrified of you know was it good
enough was it you know worth it and it's
you know it's funny I'll tell you guys a
story that made me made me feel really
strongly that what I've written was was
good
my it's hard I'm gonna cry I'm just
grabbing random things on my desk now my
grandma passed away and she was just a
really important and special person in
my life that's the easiest way to say it
I and you'll read about this in the book
if you purchase the book or borrow the
book or somehow get the book I didn't
have like the easiest childhood growing
up and I definitely wasn't the most well
behaved kid I was not lovable I wasn't I
was it was really hard to love me you
know I talked to my friends sometimes
because her child like a little tyrant
and I was like that was like me as a kid
you know you you loved me but you didn't
necessarily liked me as a parent and um
I was bad I got in a lot of trouble and
there was only one person in my life who
I really felt loved me through
those times in my life where I was hard
to love not that they didn't love me but
just never doubted me I guess
and that was my grandma now I didn't
right about her in the book because I
wanted I didn't feel like I could tell
her story if that makes sense and
there's a lot to our relationship that
is personal and it isn't something I
want to share on the Internet and it's
not something that she signed up to have
shared on the internet so out of
respect she's not mentioned in the book
but just sitting there and thinking
about her passing at first it was really
hard actually it's still kind of hard
not so much that she'd been super
supportive recently because you know
she'd been sick and kind of bedridden
for the last couple of years but it was
just like for me and this is like such a
greedy thing for her she's gone on to
somewhere better where that is I'm not a
hundred percent certain but she's not in
pain anymore and she's not suffering and
she's not tired and exhausted and
overwhelmed she knows she's at peace but
me I feel like I've lost someone who was
my only 100% consistent cheerleader in
my life from the day I was born until
the day she passed she was on my team
and I didn't realize that that would
affect me so much and you start to think
about things you start to think about
the things that she's going to miss that
she's not gonna see me get married she's
not gonna see me have a kid she's not
even here to get to read the book it's so stupid but she's seen all
these parts of my life when I wasn't
good enough for most people and now as
my life has changed
she's not going to get to see me finally
live up to the type of woman she
always knew I was and that's painful I
mean she's seen some of the changes but
she I don't know if she knew and I just
want to make her so proud I just want
her to know that without her I wouldn't
be here and I might have given up on
myself before I had the change of heart
that really helped me develop into the
strong woman I am today because there
was a time in my life I was incredibly
weak uh she held me through that moment
she was an angel she literally was oh
man tears tears are flowing it was funny
though because I was really kind of
struggling through all of this and it
felt still so cheesy but I went back and
read the chapter I wrote on
challenges in my book and I as I read
it I was like man I'm pretty smart and
it's just weird but it's just like I
felt her there with me like like the
reason I did it is because she was
just reminding me that like just because
she passed doesn't mean all the progress
and change that I've made in my life
were gone it's just that she was gonna
see them from somewhere else now a lot
of other really crazy things happened
but my grandma married my grandpa they
were together for just about 50 years
yes no maybe
I can't remember exactly there was a
major milestone anniversary that my
grandpa when he got sick with cancer
may not wasn't going to make it to
and so he bought her a ring and this
ring was gorgeous now he passed away she
wore the ring my grandma got remarried
and the ring was lost
well we cleaned out her apartment we
found the ring and my stepmom put the
ring on so much tears in this video and
it was supposed to be gifted to me the
ring and she wanted me to have it you
know she would always say these things
before she had passed and my stepmom
took a picture of the ring on her hand
and said you know here's here's the ring
and I just had this feeling that she was
supposed to wear the ring and when I
came home she said the same thing and
they just felt like my grandma was
trying to communicate that that my
stepmom who you guys all know and love
Sheri was gonna be that cheerleader
that she had been for me and that night oh
my god I'm so crying today I had a
conversation with with Sheri and I told
her how hard it's been in my life never
really having a mom my mom got
terminally ill when I was really really
young and because of that I never did
the mom things and she passed away when
I was about 18 years old so I never had
anyone to call I've never you know my
grandma taught me make up I never had
that mother figure and my grandma played
that role a lot and when my grandma kind
of lost consciousness I I not consciousness
but the ability that really
a conversation I felt that mother-figure
kind of slip away from me so I had this
conversation with my stepmom and she she
said you know I'll be your mom you can
call me and we both bust out into tears
just like crying and she kind of said
like I can't I couldn't just offer to be
your mom like that's like a weird thing
for a stepmom to do and I've always felt
you know that close to you but I just
didn't feel like I could be that person
in your life and and I felt awkward
asking you and it just felt like this
ring my grandmother's ring led us to
have that discussion it's like before my
grandma passed everything magically
worked out so that she could go and that
the people around her could be at peace
and it was a really sad time but it's
really beautiful in how it's all
unfolded oh my gosh I'm crying so much
yeah of course the day I wear so much
makeup is the day I decide to bawl on
camera anyway oh gosh oh gosh so
watching her pass but having the issue
with my not issue it's not an issue
with the gift the gift of my stepmom
becoming more active in my life I just
became really recommitted to what I want
in life and what I want in life is not
to be rich not to have a million
dollars not even to be famous but I want
people to have a warm place to go and
just find strength
now I don't have a building and I
don't have coffee it's not a Starbucks
but I can do that with words and I think
that's the gift I've been given going
back to my book when I went back and
read that chapter I just I just felt
that again I just felt like this is what
I'm supposed to do it's scary because
it's completely foreign to promote
myself in my executive career when I was
in in software I didn't do that really
well back if I did one thing terribly in
my career it was that I did not play
politics and I did not promote myself
internally enough and now I'm here with
this book and it was literally my child
and I have this strong feeling that it's
supposed to be what I'm doing and and I
don't even know how to do it right I
guess I'm sharing this with you to tell
you that like I don't have it all
figured out I don't know exactly what
I'm doing but I know where I'm heading
and sometimes that's enough sometimes
that's enough sometimes life gives you
this great vision of what could be and
then leaves you hanging on how thanks life
that's how I feel right now I have this
vision of where my life can be all the
good I can do and I'm seeing that happen
but how I'm gonna get there I guess I'll
just keep writing and sharing and
talking and someone's gonna listen
eventually some of you are already
listening
but if it's five people or if it's
fifty I mean that's not the point
so oh my gosh that is that just uh so
you guys know the book comes out on
September 15th there is a link to order
it down in my bio so now this week I
head into this fury of activity I'm kind
of terrified because for the past the
past two-and-a-half weeks I've been
grieving and I've literally been just
sleeping a lot like I basically
assimilated to being retired I would go
see my grandma for a couple hours each
day and then I would sleep because it
was really exhausting I don't know how
to explain it but when you're mourning
someone it's it's like your whole body
is worn out and you've done nothing and
then I would sleep and then we would go
to dinner or we would cook dinner we
would do something like that and then it would be
time for bed and somehow the whole day
would get away from me and I would do
absolutely nothing so it's terrifying to think that next week is
Fashion Week and I'm going to be so busy
that I don't even know how I'm going to
breathe and I've spent the last week
living like literally like I'm retired
it's um it's you know jumping back in
headfirst well at least at least I will
be busy and won't have a lot of time to
just sit and stew but maybe I need that
we'll see and maybe I'll end up crying somewhere
after a few drinks since I'm up what we
will see I'm really excited about this
Fashion Week I did something you know
different
a lot of girls you know when Fashion
Week comes around you like reach out to
the designers and try to get invited and
I didn't do any of that this year and I
was kind of nervous because um I was
afraid I wasn't gonna get invited to
anything because I'm not I don't know I'm not that cool
oh I mean I'm cool my own mind but I'm
not like cool like you know that type of
cool but I ended up getting invited to some
really cool things and some things that
I legitimately wanted to go to and it
took a lot of the anxiety of like trying
to campaign for myself to for something
that maybe wasn't my dream scenario or
you know maybe I wouldn't value as
much as someone else and it kind of just
worked out for the better so I think I'm
gonna do that in the future me while I'm saying I need to
promote myself but I'm enjoying not
promoting myself in this situation
man this is a contradictory spiel yeah so I dunno if you
guys are going to Curvy Con I'm going
in fact I got another random thing to
talk about on my Instagram I'm giving
away a ticket to Curvy Con so if you're in
New York and you really want to go and
you don't have a ticket there's a link
to my Instagram down below on it'll link
you to the post and how you can enter
I'm just throwing that out there not
required to but I figured if you are
trying to go you can go that way
whoo so yeah that's my life I'm grieving
I'm busy and I found a renewed passion
for what I want to do I just want people
to wake up and hate themselves less be
part of that now to the doing the fun
part well guys that was a lot of crying
a lot of babbling some real talk I don't
know what else to say I hope each and
every one of you has an amazing rest of
your week and I hope that somehow this
touched you in some way it sounds creepy
when you say something
touches you it just sounds creepy I know
that's like the normal you say it but I've
always thought that that sounds creepy
this is not related to the topic at hand
I'm going back on track
I hope that it
that someone else out there who's
grieving was helped by this or one of
you buys my book I know I mean I really would
like people to buy my book because I
can't write FYI I can't write more books
unless you guys buy books so I want to write more books and I'm like please
enough people buy my book so I can write
more and which I never thought I would
say because of how hard it was to write
the first book PS I don't make a ton of
money off of it that's a misconception
yeah I wish I wish I was gonna be a
millionaire from writing a book unless
you're JK Rowling let's be real not how
it goes
okay I'm literally babbling guys I need
to peace out because I'm just I'm stuck
in a mental thought and I'm going nowhere but
that's what these conversations are
about that's what the spiel is all for just
keeping it real on a Sunday night and
spielin not glockenspielin spielin
as in talking chatting conversing havin
a conversation yakety yakety gift of
gab Girl Talk some other words I ran out
of synonyms I'll check you guys later
peace
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